it’s always like this

January 22, 2010

thumpf (the sound of closing the book)

Filed under: growing pains, maybe it's me, perfect strangers, step by step — notsojenny @ 8:55 am

once upon a time i took some things that were said to me to heart.  and it made me upset.  and i spent much time reflecting on what it meant about me, about who i am.  and what i can do to change that.

and then a dear friend, one who i’ve always considered older (by a little) and wiser (my leaps and bounds), read about it.  and i had no clue she’d seen any of it until this arrived in my inbox (if you’re reading today – i assumed you wouldn’t mind my posting this but if you do by all means let me know) –

DON’T CHANGE A SINGLE THING ABOUT YOURSELF!!!!  You are who you are, and you are uniquely you, and you are wonderful just the way you are.  I LOVE your sarcasm and your candor – it’s one of the things I like most about you, and I wish I were more like you!!! SCREW everyone else!!!    Seriously, this is the girl that (M) fell in love with, and this is the person that your family and friends love….  I can understand how all of this has hurt your feelings, but remember that you are a kind, thoughtful person and you are genuine and true to who you are.  You should never change that….

and it put me in tears.  okay, not just tears, full out bawling.  for hours.  even reading it now, and the many other times i’ve opened my inbox just to reread it again and again, it touches my heart.  THIS is the reason i am who i am.  because being who i am has led me to the most amazing friends in the world.   and this is the exact reason she’s right, and i shouldn’t change.

sure not changing could also been seen as the easy route.  and stamping my foot and saying “i am who i am, don’t try to change me damnit!” is much easier than admitting my flaws.  but i know my flaws.  and the emotional tailspin that this entire situation has had me in, from start to finish (now), is proof that i’m aware of my many flaws.  the subject of me being labeled “bitch” has always been a sore spot for me.  yes, i can brush it off most of the time but it still leaves a little crack in the armor, and each little crack adds up until one day you just crumble.  and apparently this was my crumble point.  i had no idea just how heavy it was all weighing on me this time until i opened that email.  and the dam broke, the armor came crumbling down, whatever euphemism you prefer, i was broken.  and i honestly had no idea how deep down this issue had really settled in until that moment.  and it simply took one person that knows me, really knows me, to change that.  one person who never had to acknowledge that she’d read my post (i never would have known), one person who read all of my self doubt and felt the urge to stop me (instead of just shake her head and agree).  and it’s changed everything.

i still haven’t gathered up the nerve to discuss all this with M.  it’s the first thing i’ve ever posted about that i haven’t talked about with him first.  it’s hard to really address your flaws with someone who loves you so much.  i guess maybe i’m afraid that once i bring it up he’ll suddenly realize “oh yah, she is quite a bitch” and leave me.  i know that won’t happen but this girl has neurosis – add it to my list of flaws.

after reading what she wrote to me, having my break down, and coming out on the other side i’ve done even more thinking and all it’s left me with is that there is no RIGHT way to be.  yes, there’s common decency and being polite, i believe i am those things.  but everything else… i think it’s all just about what’s right to YOU.  because i love i love my friends and family and they’ve never meant to hurt me with comments but yet i’ve been hurt.  and after all these years they’ve piled up to the point where i started to doubt myself. 

but while i may be considered bitchy/mean because i have opinions and i voice them i am still VERY careful with people’s feelings.  and i would NEVER say something i knew was going to hurt someone.  and while the comments over the years were never intended to hurt me, well, they have.  and i’m not saying anything wrong, just that everyone sees things differently.  and that’s okay.  but i’ve never commented to anyone about how they get walked on or they need to stand up for themselves, how they need to be tougher.   because it’s not my problem and it’s only my opinion so i keep it to myself (or sometimes between M and the internets).  because the way i see it i don’t have time for people who irritate me, who don’t ‘get’ me, or who have wronged me.  so i move on.  the people who are opposite of me don’t.  and i don’t think either of us is wrong… it’s just what’s right for US.

in general, i feel life is about being happy.  and if that’s X for me and Z for you then have fun with your Z, i’ll be over here enjoying my X.  neither is wrong.  just different.  that’s pretty much how i feel about everything in this world, it’s about what works for YOU.

and with that i’m closing the chapter on this bitchy issue.  sure, i can be better, we all can.  and i do still want to work on my delivery and voicing all of the wonderful things i say in my head rather than mostly the negative.  there’s always work to do but i can’t let how other people see me bother me this much.  i’m happy.  i have a loving family, the most incredible friends and the best life i could ever ask for.  why did i ever think i needed to change that?!

br

br

~ today i learned… that old saying “a true friend only gets in your way when you’re on your way down” is so very true ~

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2 Comments »

  1. I’m glad you’re not changing who you are to please other people! I’ve been told a few times that I’m “scary” and you know what? It could bug me, but just b/c the people who say it are people who are (to use your word) spineless, why should I let that stop me from having and voicing my opinions?!

    Us opinionated girls gotta stick together!!

    Comment by stealthnerd — January 22, 2010 @ 12:05 pm

  2. People think I’m “bitchy” all the time…and I’ve had to learn to not care. I’m glad you’re learning the same. Be proud of who you are.

    Comment by Amy --- Just A Titch — January 23, 2010 @ 1:40 am


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