it’s always like this

January 5, 2010

ovary excitable

Filed under: absolutely fabulous, growing pains, the love boat, wonder years — notsojenny @ 8:42 am

oh yes, it’s one of those posts

the ones that you’ll get from every newlywed blogger that’s older than the average bride.  the posts about wanting a baby but not quite being there yet.

i know it’s fairly similar to my ache for planning a wedding back when M and i were almost there and i decided to start filling my google reader with wedding blogs.  bad idea.  all it did was make my desire to host a wedding bigger and bigger until we spent waaay too much money on our actual wedding.  i sincerely loved our wedding and wouldn’t change a thing about it but might we have had a slightly different event if i hadn’t been reading so many blogs and drooling over many gorgeous images?  um, yah, that goes without saying.  everything we did was still “us” but how we represented “us” was definitely influenced by things i’d seen or ideas i’d read about that i wouldn’t have known about otherwise .

so now that we’re married i don’t read most of those blogs anymore.  but the few i do, well those girls whose weddings i really enjoyed reading about are now having babies.  and every time i open up a post about “okay, secret’s out, BABY IN MY BELLY!” the same thing happens. 
i get this twinge of jealousy in my ovaries wishing it were me! 
even though that’s NOT what i want to happen right now.  i’m very clear on this.  but i think most people who know they want a family go through this.  you have to keep weighing the desire to have your family and the desire to enjoy the only time you’ll ever have just being married.  because, as i’ve mentioned before, you can NEVER get that back.  never.  and that thought alone scares me enough to continue to put off babies for as long as i can.

but “as long as i can” isn’t that long given M’s age i kinda want to have one now.  not just because i don’t want him hauling an oxygen tank and iv drip to our kids’ high school graduation but because when men reach a certain age it gets a little sketchy.  i know, we never hear about this but when you’re concerned about such things it’s easy to find the info all over the place.  all we ever hear about is how women are in more danger when they have babies at “an advanced age” but no one talks about how the quality of the baby a man can produce goes down as he gets older.  

and, honestly, i know what our timeline is for baby havin’.  we’ve talked about it plenty and i may or may not have decided to try to conceive during a certain month so our baby will be babysitter age by the time Hokie football season rolls around.  and i’m totally on board with what year/month this will all be happening. 

so logic tells me i don’t want a family right now, i know that.  but i REALLY want to BE pregnant!  i can’t explain it. 
– maybe it’s the idea of shopping for maternity clothes
– maybe it’s the idea of the baby bump
– maybe it’s the excitement about how we’ll tell our family
– how i’ll tell M
i dunno.  part of me doesn’t even want to be pregnant until i have a job with an office i can go into.  i mean that’s half of the fun, right?  figuring out what to wear to hide your baby bump.  because we all know you can’t tell the company until you absolutely have to and then you have to play the whole “i’m definitely coming back to work after my maternity leave” game. 

there are many of the elements i’m not looking forward about pregnancy too but the maternity clothes and the whole having a baby of our own things are so tempting!  ever since our wedding came around i do sometimes find myself purchasing a dress or a shirt and thinking “and look at the cut, i could totally wear that through a first trimester too!”

i guess i just wanna be soap opera pregnant.  where you never get to the fully 9 mos. swollen and enormous size but where you’re perpetually at the 5 mos. cute belly size and then 6 weeks later you have a beautiful little 4 month old baby!

br

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~ today i learned… the Dutch believe that eating donuts on New Year’s Day will bring good fortune ~

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1 Comment »

  1. Oh. My. God. ME TOO! It’s killing me. I have serious baby fever. I feel like I have to wait forever too because of the whole job thing. I feel totally jealous when I see other pregnant women AND it’s all I think about. It’s so unhealthy. I’m so glad I’m not alone.

    Comment by Megkathleen — January 5, 2010 @ 5:55 pm


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