it’s always like this

December 21, 2009

mean girl(s)

Filed under: maybe it's me, wonder years — notsojenny @ 2:28 pm

i was talking to S the other day when she said something that caught me off guard and started a chain reaction of conversations (okay, one other conversation) that put me in a funk for days. 

we were talking about a friend’s comments on facebook, how she’d commented that she was wearing Uggs out that night.  i joked around asking her if she was pairing them with leggings and a down vest.  apparently she didn’t get the joke and replied that it was leggings and a long sweater.  so S and i were discussing this and somewhere in this conversation S said “i have a pair of Uggs.  i’ve been hiding them from you because i know you don’t like them.”  she went on to tell me she bought them last year, yadda, yadda.  and it didn’t really sit well with me.

i don’t care what kind of clothes she buys or wears, but really, she felt she had to hide this from me??  we don’t live in the same state, it’s simple enough for me to not have ANY idea what’s in her closet but she was consciously making an effort not to mention these to me.  i didn’t know what to think/say.

later that night it was still bugging me and i jokingly mentioned it to M.  i asked “what do you think that means?”  he said “i think it means that you’re mean.” 

he didn’t say it in a mean way, just a simple matter of fact way.  and it hurt.  it didn’t sting in a way that made me burst into tears but i wanted to.  of course i had to wait before reacting, i still wasn’t sure how i felt about the whole situation.  i wasn’t sure if i was upset because my husband thinks i’m “mean” or if i was upset because i am afraid it’s true.

part of me is kinda bummed, why would she feel she needs to hide this from me?  i mean c’mon, yes, i don’t like them.  many people don’t.  but it’s not like i would ever be mad or even care that she had them.  we’ve always had different taste in clothes.  i’ve never been shocked with her fashion choices, she’s always been more trendy than me.  yah, when she bought the britney spears boots in college i was sad for her but never commented on them.  i mean did she really feel that i would berate her if i knew about the Uggs?  the most i’d say is “oooh, S” and then move on.

part of me is mad that i get called “mean” because i have an opinion.  who cares what fashions i like or dislike?  if i liked something i wouldn’t care if someone else didn’t.  heck my own husband doesn’t like my fascination with one-piece bathing suits but i keep buying them and wearing them on our vacations.  but do i hide what i like because someone else feels differently?  no.  so why should i hide how i feel about things for the fear that someone i know will disagree with me.  i don’t expect anyone to hide their opinions, why should we?  isn’t it just being honest??  if i have no opinions do i have no personality?

and then there’s that part of me that is so sad.  the part that is heartbroken that people i love and care more about than anything in the world think i’m “mean”.  i’ve been here before.  where i’ve hated the way others think i’m a bitch and i’ve spent day after day being sad.  wondering what i can do to change that.  do i keep my mouth shut from now on?  do i not tell anyone how i feel about anything?  but isn’t that then just hiding who i am from everyone?  i mean everyone dislikes things, surely i’m not the only person out there who’s said “ugh, i hate those!” or “i think those are tacky”.  and it’s not like i say it to people who have them on or (i know) own them.  i’ll say it when the person i’m talking to asks my opinion or if we’re just discussing it in general.  so am i supposed to say “oh i love those” about everything if i want to shake this label?

but it’s consistent enough that i hear these things about me and how people see me so i have to change.  there’s got to be a balance.  and i have to find it.  i’ve tried before and i’ve failed.  i always end up going back to the defensive position of why should i be considered the bitch just because other people aren’t confident in their own decisions?  but i don’t want people to think i’m mean.  i don’t want my best friend to feel she has to hide things from me.  i don’t want my husband to think i’m mean.  and i DEFINITELY don’t want my children to feel that.    i can’t figure out what i need to do to find that balance but i have to try harder.  and i’m going to.  i know i can’t just stop having opinions but maybe day by day i can pay more attention to what i’m thinking before i say it.  i’ll stop letting them out.  slowly until i can keep them all in.

i’m just afraid of what happens then, when i keep all my opinions to myself and no one really knows me anymore, what do i do then??



  1. :( This post made me so sad for you :( I don’t think you’re mean or a bitch for it. Just b/c you have opinions doesn’t mean S had to hide from you. One of my best friends (and a bridesmaid in my wedding) is a stylist in NYC. She is UBER fashionable. She teases me about my Uggs. But it doesn’t stop me from wearing them when we hang out. In fact, she redid my entire outfit for my bachelorette party. I didn’t think it was mean and I wasn’t hurt that my first attempt didn’t work for, I was just happy to have some input and styling!

    Comment by stealthnerd — December 21, 2009 @ 11:48 pm

    • see, that’s the way i feel too. i’m happy when people give me their opinion. sometimes i may disagree with it but who cares. other times it may help me… especially when it comes to fashion. i hate going out with people and then when i get home i look in a mirror and see that i looked like a total idiot, or something was off kilter, or whatever and i know people noticed but no one said anything. it drives me nuts because i’d totally tell any friend “um, your bra strap is showing” or whatever. i thought that was being a good friend, being honest.

      i guess that’s why we’re all different.

      Comment by notsojenny — December 22, 2009 @ 11:56 am

  2. I mean, there are ways to be tactful yet honest. I think it’s in the delivery and not necessarily the opinion itself. Unfortunately it’s so subjective. Some people are more sensitive than others.

    I mean, I personally despise Uggs, *especially* paired with mini skirts (oh my god, why-eeeee?!), but I don’t think I’d share that opinion with someone unless I know the individual may share my total disgust with that particular trend. I usually leave it at this: “I personally don’t like Uggs.” It gets my opinion across but it’s not necessarily attacking another individual’s style. I’m not insinuating you are… that’s just how I draw the line. I get my message across but it’s changing the focus from them to me — “I don’t like Uggs, therefore I don’t wear them. You do what you want.”

    If I said my true feelings I would have been mauled by a million girls in Tallahassee because there are an overwhelming number of them who wore Uggs and mini skirts. I was greatly out-numbered.

    Comment by Sara — December 22, 2009 @ 3:42 pm

  3. […] under: growing pains, maybe it's me, perfect strangers, step by step — notsojenny @ 8:55 am once upon a time i took some things that were said to me to heart.  and it made me upset.  and i spent much […]

    Pingback by thumpf (the sound of closing the book) « it’s always like this — February 24, 2010 @ 7:56 pm

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