it’s always like this

November 18, 2009

and then there’s that

Filed under: growing pains, wonder years — notsojenny @ 11:58 am

it’s amazing how once we’re completely happy, once we have everything we want, once we’re content… we suddenly have to face our mortality.

i’m not talking about a near death experience.  i’m talking about the fear.  fear of dying.  fear of losing everything.  fear of not getting to continue on in this wonderful life we’ve finally achieved.

there was a time, a few years back, when i didn’t fear death.  no, i didn’t do anything to tempt it or taunt it but i also wasn’t afraid of it.  i didn’t think it would change anything for me.  i was extremely unhappy with my life, the way i was living it, the things i was getting out of it.  i felt like a failure around every corner and nothing seemed to work out for me.  and believe me, i was trying.  i was getting my heart broken very often, and hard.  i was watching everyone else’s life take off – marriages, babies, promotions, etc.  i couldn’t seem to catch a break.  and it was killing me.  and at some point i just gave up.  i didn’t care if i lived or died.  i didn’t think it made a difference – for me or for anyone else.  one day i realized my phone hadn’t rung… in over a week.  this was the only way friends and family would reach me and no one had tried.  i’d had so many messages out there for people and no one returned a single call.  it was then that i realized i could have died and no one would have known.  sure, i knew people would have been sad when they found out but it didn’t affect their day-to-day life.  i felt dispensable in this world.

cut to today.  i couldn’t be farther from that.  i am happy.  happier than i ever thought i could be.  i have a job that is less than perfect but i have a nice shiny paycheck every 2 wks.  i have an amazing husband who is my best friend and can’t imagine life without him.  we have a wonderful house that, while it takes alot of energy and time, it has so much potential and our future is in it.  and now i have my puppy here, to spend the rest of his life with me.  and i’m incredibly happy every day… even when i’m having a terribly bad day i’m still happier than i used to be.  and now i’m more afraid than i’ve ever been.

i’m afraid of losing it all.  afraid of not getting the potential future we’ve planned and imagined.  afraid of not making it home one night when i go out to run errands.  afraid that once we start to try to have kids we’ll find out we can’t.  afraid that we’re getting too old too fast, and that poses some serious risks with having happy healthy babies.  afraid that some freak accident will end all of this.

i watch the news (never a good thing) and i hear the same stories i always have – car accident kills #, lady dies from the flu, woman diagnosed with deadly disease that there’s no cure for, freak accident leaves people paralyzed/blind/etc., etc.   and while i used to watch these things and shrug them off… those things don’t happen to me, they won’t happen to me, those just happen to those people.  now i’m more afraid with every story – that could easily be me, i don’t want to go to the store because i’m afraid of catching this disease, i’m scared to death each time i have to get on the road now just in case some idiot causes me pain. 

i know its partially getting older, watching life fly by faster each year, that really makes you appreciate how precious and short it really is.  but i’ve never felt more like i could die any day than i do right now.  and that scares me.  i don’t want to die.  i know that statement may seem obvious but i’ve never felt it more strongly than i do now.  i’m sure if someone had asked me as a child i would have felt the same way, but i never gave it thought then.  but i do think about it all the time now. and i’m definitely afraid, of so many things today that i never worried about before. 

most recently its babies.  having them.  and when.  because i’m getting older and so is M.  if age were not an issue we would wait another 10 years and continue to enjoy life the way we have it now.  but it is an issue, a very immediate one, and we have to make decisions.  how much longer before we start trying to have babies?  will having a baby risk my life?  what if there are other complications?  and this is the hardest decision we’ve ever had to make… there’s no “right” answer.  and time is slipping away faster each day.



~ today i learned… Americans are responsible for 1/5 of the world’s garbage annually ~



  1. You know, this feeling you’re describing of one’s own mortality is something I’ve been feeling recently, as well. Sometimes it’s in remission, but there are days I can be completely paralyzed. Outwardly, I appear fine, but inside I just want to cry.

    Either way, I feel ya.

    Comment by Liz @ The Klutzy Kitchen — November 18, 2009 @ 3:58 pm

  2. I totally understand. It’s amazing how much having someone to live for can make a difference.

    Comment by Megkathleen — November 18, 2009 @ 4:06 pm

  3. Honestly, I’m kind of relieved to read this, because I’ve been feeling exactly the same way since meeting the PhD. Totally. It’s almost paralyzing sometimes, to think that this idyll I’ve found can’t last and one or both of us is going to lose big. I think that’s just what experience teaches, that really good things either don’t last or are too good to be true. I hate that. Sometimes, it’s just good. But really letting go and enjoying it gets hard with this paranoia hanging out in the background!

    Comment by magda — November 19, 2009 @ 12:26 pm

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