it’s always like this

September 3, 2009

on to the wedding!

Filed under: a wedding story — notsojenny @ 8:29 am

okay, so with those things being said it’s back to wedding, wedding, WEDDING!

let’s start with the week of the wedding… the days prior.

we were good… busy, but good.  no stress.  no worries.  then my family happened.

as they are wont to do.

it started with the flower girl dresses.  those god damned flower girl dresses.  just to recap you these were the dresses my mother insisted on making and by “insisted” i mean “wouldn’t talk to me until i said FINE you can make them!”  i’d already found dresses i wanted but she was set on this, and since i knew she couldn’t help out financially in many other ways i opted to let her do it.  i’m a sap for sentiment so i liked the personal touch as well.  and at this time (St. Pats day) she said she had a week off from work and “had to” make them then.  whatever.

then the process started and she was suddenly making these dresses without any input from me, i just wanted to make sure they fit with everything else that day and that they were more MY style than hers… we have VERY different taste.  each time i inquired about the dresses i was answered with comments on how pretty they would be if they were floor length, i had to argue that i wanted knee length party dresses until i was blue in the face.  unfortunately i know how she is and she’ll sit there and knod okay then do whatever she wants anyway.  i was very fearful about what the final outcome would be.  i asked about them often, always getting the same responses.

and then i got a sewing machine at my bridal shower… i knew what that meant… she was going to have to finish the dresses when she got here just days before the wedding.  she swore they’d be done “soon”.  i heard that for months.  the week before the wedding they still weren’t done.  all i wanted was to see pictures of them.  and i finally did.  the night my mother was driving down here for the wedding my sister sent the photos.  i was less than thrilled.  the bows were almost bigger than the dresses and there was a huge flower in the middle.  WTF?!  i mentioned to my sister that i wasn’t crazy about it and she continued (in our mother’s style) to tell me how much SHE liked them, and how all the dresses they’d seen in the shops looked like this (mind you all the flowergirl dresses in shops were NOT what i wanted).  i said “don’t worry about it.  i’ve got a few days to check out some other options so i’ll see what else i can come up with.”  i thought that was the end of it.

until i received a call from my mom the next morning telling me that my sister is bringing her sewing machine so that my mom can fix the sashes.  what?!  that’s absurd.  i was partly ticked because i felt this was a silly thing to do and i was partly ticked because I wanted to have something to do with these dresses too!  why wasn’t i being allowed to do ONE DAMN THING when it came to these dresses?!?  if M were here this is where he would have talked me off the ledge and it would have been over.  but was working so i called my sister.  i politely told her not to bring a sewing machine down here (because of it’s inane) and that i’d find other options or we’d use what was on there, plain and simple.

that’s where it all began.  she went on to call me things and say that my attitude this whole time has been “this is MY wedding fuck you all”.  i ended up in tears because i’ve done everything possible NOT to have that attitude.  i was trying to save people trouble, trying to simplify, trying to go out of my way not to burden other people.  this was the case with everything and she brought up the bridesmaid stuff – she’s had a VERY hard time picking out her outfit and apparently that makes me a bitch.  how dare i not ask her to buy a certain pair of shoes, wear certain pieces of jewelry, and wear her hair and make-up a certain way.  from her view, my saying “whatever you want to do” when asked about each of these things does not fly and means i’m selfish.  maybe it could be seen as selfish but i had to figure out what to do with MYSELF for that day… i just didn’t have time to figure out other people too.  hell, i didn’t even ask them to pay for their $20 dresses!  and as a former MOH myself i would have LOVED to be able to do my own thing with my own style that day.  i digress…

the call ended with her yelling at me and then hanging up on me.  i was upset for a while then i called M and i was better, he has that power.  i knew this drama was bound to happen, she did this the night before my god-daughter’s christening as well… i knew it was a’brewing.  but i figured it would blow over.  she sent me an email, apologetic but mostly patronizing.  she left me a voicemail.  each time she called and i didn’t answer she hung up and called my mom.  it was frustrating.  especially since then my mom got on my case.  each day she spent with me she brought it up.  apparently since i didn’t call my mom crying i must be at fault… it doesn’t have ANYTHING to do with being able to deal with issues on my own, or with the help of my (at the time soon-to-be) husband.  not possible.

i’ve always had this role in my family.  i’m always the one “doing something wrong”.  i’m always the “selfish” one.  i’m always the jerk.  it all stems from the fact that my sister and my mom see things much closer than i do.  they agree on more, they have the same taste, they have the same opinions.  so naturally when i disagree it’s WRONG.  i listened to my mother, in the days leading up to my wedding, tell me about how mean i am and how i’m a bitch.

i lost it one night.  it wasn’t fair.  not a single person outside of the two of them had this view on me, especially about wedding stuff!  they were the only people making me feel bad about wanting to have something to do with the decisions for the wedding.  the only ones that outright didn’t like my dress and willingly told me.  the ONLY ones that stressed me out or made me upset about ANYTHING wedding related.  they’re the only ones i made concessions for and gave up things I wanted because i knew it would make THEM happy.  and yet i’m still an asshole.  i gave up at some point.  i don’t know when it was.  somewhere between being blamed for my sister’s insecurities and being told i’m just not a nice person i decided i could never win this battle… it’s been multiple decades and this is the only person they’ll EVER see me as so they win, i’m no longer wasting my breath defending myself to them.

so that was fun.  it’s what every girl wants in the days before her wedding right?  don’t be jealous.

oh, and in the end my mom did resew the sashes and the looked great.  many guests commented on how cute their dresses were!

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2 Comments »

  1. Oh. Wow. I’d have to agree that they’re wrong. From everything you posted on here, you seem like you were one of the least obnoxious brides I know and tried to be very accomodating. I’m sorry that they both acted like that, that’d definitely not what you want to deal with in the days leading up to your wedding, but I hope that beyond that everything was lovely and you guys enjoyed your day. It’s fantastic that M is able to calm you down so quickly. :)

    Comment by DanceintheRain — September 3, 2009 @ 9:04 am

  2. Your patience is amazing. I would have completely lost my shit and then not had my mother or sister at my wedding. I wish people would realize that when someone else gets married it IS all about that person. Drives me nuts!

    Comment by littlespoon — September 3, 2009 @ 9:36 am


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