it’s always like this

August 17, 2009

spotlight

Filed under: a wedding story, maybe it's me, perfect strangers — notsojenny @ 9:04 am

neither of us are good in the spotlight.

we don’t freeze up and shrink or anything like that, we just don’t choose to ever be there.

you see we’re both okay with attention, from each other, from our family, from our close friends.  no brainer, right? i mean that’s what our guest list is made up of.

well yes, but it’s not that simple.  we can take the attention, one person at a time.  but with the wedding i have no clue how this is going to go being the center of attention with all these people at once!

people have always pointed out to me that when i sing along to songs, i usually do the backup.  i think that actually sums up alot about me, because while i do think Diana Ross has a fabulous voice, i don’t think the songs would have ever been the hits they were without the doo-wop-wop-wop in the background that the Supremes provided.  does that make sense?  so yes, i gravitate toward the harmony.

M is like me in this respect, we both prefer to be in the background.  still being an integral part of what’s going on, just not the part the center lights are shining on.

that being said i have a pretty good idea how this is going to manifest itself.  you see while we’ve been planning the wedding certain things have come up…
at the jeweler when M slipped his ring on his left hand
after my bridal shower when i told M how nice it was to have all of my family there along with his
at the Pastor’s office when he said “and that’s when i’ll say Do you take this woman… and you say I Do”
when i finished and held up the photos of our parents’ weddings
when i typed up the words of our vows for our quaker certificate

all these moments and more brought me to tears.  i can’t help it.  when it comes to our wedding, when it comes to how much i love the man i’m engaged to, the man i can’t wait to marry… i cry.  when it comes to all of these things i’m a puddly mushy gooshy ball of love and emotion.   

but when i get in front of people, people who are not just an audience of a singular M, the tears dry up.  i’ve had this fear all along of coming down the aisle with the “ugly cry” all over my face but honestly, i have a feeling it’s not gonna’ happen anyway.  i’ll do what i always do in front of crowds, i stand tall and i compose myself.  i don’t show my emotions.  i mean, we’ll see if something unexpected happens but the more i fret about this the less i actually fear it’ll happen.

no matter what, i’m looking forward to it and it’ll be interesting.  i don’t mind shedding a tear (or a thousand) when emotions come over me but there’s just something about my personality that doesn’t allow me to do this when i know people are watching me.  i think it’s part of the tough love we were brought up on… there was alot of “suck it up!” “don’t be such a baby”.  granted i think it’s because i cried about everything but still, it’s definitely affected my adult life and how i share my feelings and emotions with people.  no matter how much the emotions will make feel like tearing up i’m not sure i actually will.   then again i BAWLED through my sister and S’s weddings and i bawled through our wedding video interview so who knows, i guess anything can happen.

  

  

~ i’ve got too much going on right now, no time or room in my brain for learning… i’m taking this week off from learning so you must too ~

Advertisements

2 Comments »

  1. My wedding day is a hysterical blur. I came to the realization when those doors opened and 200+ people (where did they all come from??) were staring at me that even though I majored in theatre and adored being the center of attention in college, that all came with a script. The result of this realization was hysterical laughter. But it was wonderful hysterical laughter nonetheless :)

    Comment by littlespoon — August 17, 2009 @ 6:24 pm

  2. I’m not a fan of being the center of attention either. I did solos when I danced competitively in high school, and that was fine, but there was music – loud music – and I was so focused on the steps and it was all over in 2 minutes and 30 seconds. I never thought that i would have a problem with being the center of attention at my own wedding though. But the more and more I think about it: standing up at the alter, our first kiss, our first dance – i get nervous. And we’re not even engaged yet!!

    Comment by DanceintheRain — August 18, 2009 @ 4:17 pm


RSS feed for comments on this post. TrackBack URI

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

Create a free website or blog at WordPress.com.

%d bloggers like this: