it’s always like this

August 13, 2009

procession

Filed under: a wedding story, growing pains — notsojenny @ 9:00 am

it’s tough.  and i can’t talk to my sister about it.  no matter how much she says ” i know” and how upset she gets over it… she doesn’t know.  she’ll never know.  as much as she can empathize, she’ll never know.  my sister has photos of dad walking her down the aisle.  a photo of them dancing during the father/bride dance.  she got those.  she even got a sober dad because i did my maid of honor duties and made sure he had no other choice.  i don’t get to have that.  i’ll never get to have that.  she’s sad for different things.  that her girls don’t get to grow up with their pop-pop.  but at least they got to meet him.  i’ll never have a photo of my dad holding my child.

and my best friend S well, she’ll never understand either.  i’ll never forget her tough dad crying before we started walking down the aisle.  i had to move quickly because he was about to bring me down with him.  yah, they live in another state now but she gets to bring her babies to see their granparents.  they get to watch the boys grow up. 

even M says he knows how i feel.  and i love him.  he’s the best thing to happen to me.  and he lost his father years before i lost mine so if anyone should understand it should be him… but he still doesn’t know how it feels.  he’s not a girl who always thought she’d get that dance, but knew that she wasn’t going to let them play that awful butterfly kisses song.

no one else is that girl.  other girls have lost their father’s before their wedding day but those girls didn’t have the relationship my dad and i had, they’re not that girl.  because that girl is me.  and there’s nothing anyone can say or do to change that.  i’m not going to be miserable about it because that’s ridiculous, that won’t change anything.  but it’s going to hurt.  it does hurt.  i’ve thought about this since he passed.  it’s not going to get easier.  it’s a part of my life that i’m having a hard time accepting.  i never thought he’d miss this.  these events.  i never thought i’d have a hard time not having him here, afterall i’m the one who walked away from him when he was still alive.

but my mom is here.  my mom has always been here.  for our family.  for me.  and she’ll be there once again, walking me down the aisle.  and when the pastor says “who gives this woman?”  she’ll say “I do.”  and i couldn’t be happier to have her there… but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt a little too.

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5 Comments »

  1. My dad hasn’t really been involved since I was less than two years old, when my parents divorced. In fact, he had two children before me, and I don’t think he’s seen or spoken to them in over 30 years. I’ll be walking myself down the aisle because while my dad will pay the catering, he’s not even going to show up. I’m a check to write, so he can write me off, not a daughter to love.

    It may not be the same, but I can empathize to a degree. I think I had some delusion that maybe, just maybe, he’d care about me getting married, but his complete and utter indifference has become salt on the wound that is the relationship we never had, and I desperately wanted.

    I’m sorry you have to go through this.

    Comment by ihavetwodogsandlovewine — August 13, 2009 @ 9:50 am

  2. Honestly, my heart is breaking for you a little bit right now. You’re a strong girl and you won’t let this get to you, but it’s still a really sad situation.

    I wouldn’t be too hard on the people who say they know what you’re going through; they’re wrong as you rightly point out, but they’re probably doing the best they can to let you know they care and are feeling for you.

    xo & hang in there!

    Comment by magda — August 13, 2009 @ 12:38 pm

  3. This must be really difficult for you because it’s not something you can help… or change. I agree withh Magda about those offering their words, they’re just trying their best to help you, even though there is little they can do. Enjoy your day and know that your dad will be there with you that day even if you can’t see him.

    Comment by DanceintheRain — August 13, 2009 @ 6:06 pm

  4. hugs!!

    Comment by The Northerner — August 13, 2009 @ 9:10 pm

  5. I can’t imagine. I am so sorry.

    Comment by littlespoon — August 14, 2009 @ 3:15 pm


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