it’s always like this

July 22, 2009

i wish

Filed under: maybe it's me, perfect strangers, wonder years — notsojenny @ 9:59 am

sometimes i wish i was more

i wish i was better

there are plenty of moments when i wish i was smarter/stronger/etc.  for example, last time i was at the airport and the gentleman going through security in front of me was deaf.  i didn’t know this until the altercations started with the security dudes.  they asked him to take off his belt, it took a while for the message to get through.  at some point i realized the communication barrier but the security dude never seemed to, i wanted to scream “JUST POINT AT YOUR BELT A-HOLE!” while he just stood there and repeated “TAKE OFF YOUR BELT” louder and louder.  this continued as the gentleman had a video camera and security needed to take it out to inspect it and he wasn’t sure what they were doing.  at that moment i wished nothing more than the ability to conjure up fluent sign language.  sadly i only know my alphabet and a few basics, mother, father, thank you, juice, and milk so it would have taken just as long for me to translate.  but it was one of those moments, one of those moments where i wished i was a better person, i wished i was more. 

don’t get me wrong, i believe i’m actually an extremely well rounded person, more so than most people i encounter.  i thank my parents for this as we were exposed to alot and always encouraged to try new things… that and i had commitment issues most of my life so not only did i try new things but i stuck with them for about 2 wks and then moved on to the next “new thing”.

sign language is one of those things i’ve always wanted to know, but never had the will/dedication to actually learn.  it’s on my wish list, along with so many other things.

i wish i knew japanese.  i’ve only gone so far with this as my brain is mush and the thought of actually using it while i’m driving doesn’t do it for me right now

i wish i was fluent in any other language actually.  i took french through school and i could get by but i’m by no means fluent, i often realize how handy it would be to know spanish or another language fluently

i wish i had more drive.  there are so many things i know i “should” be doing at all times (like getting in shape), but often i let life get in the way and suddenly i’m “too tired” to do anything

i wish i was more forgiving.  i hold people to such high standards and while i’m usually okay with it there are definitely times when i wish i was that girl with a huge group of girlfriends rather than just having a handful of those friends who are closest to me

i wish i was more responsible.  i’ve known that i shouldn’t buy yet another Maggy dress just because it’s on sale, we have a wedding to pay for.  but i’m so used to living paycheck to paycheck

i wish my work ethic was a notch higher.  i get my job done, i do what it takes, but i’m not happy there and i feel it every day.  and instead of making the best of it and really busting my butt i look around and see everyone else doing nothing and so i sit back, and i JUST do my job, i JUST do what it takes.

i wish i was a warmer person.  i grew up in a household of tough love, we didn’t say “i love you” we didn’t hug all the time.  we knew we all loved each other but i’ve always wished my family was more like my friends’ – i love you’s when you hang up the phone, hugs before you leave the house.  i hug my friends whenever i see them, but it still feels like a very conscious decision every single time.

i wish i’d stuck with my education.  i wish i’d set out to get my masters, heck i wish i completed my BA.  i don’t think this would change anything for me career wise, but it would make me feel less like a quitter.

i wish i was physically stronger.  i would love to be able to step in and help someone out when i see them unable to lift something huge.

i wish i was able to hand out large chunks of money to organizations and people who deserve it.

i wish i wasn’t so scared all the time.  i daydream about stopping to talk to that homeless guy with the dog while i bring them food, but in reality i’m afraid he’s one of the crazy ones and that i’ll get shanked.

i wish i really didn’t care about how others saw me.  life would be so much easier.

i wish i was younger.  i wish i still had my whole life ahead of me.  i wish i hadn’t made so many mistakes in my past.  i wish i’d been nicer to everyone from my past, not just the people who i wanted  in my present.  i wish that i felt like i was enough.  i wish i was more.  i wish i was better.

of course if things were different, if all of these wishes came true, i’m sure i’d still have a wish list… it would just be different

  

 

~ today i learned… i dunno ~

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3 Comments »

  1. I’m with you on so many of these things. Especially the work ethic, responsibility, drive, etc. You’re right though, I think no matter what, you will always have a wish list. I think, unfortunatley, there are very few people out there who are satisfied with the person that they are.

    Comment by DanceintheRain — July 22, 2009 @ 11:37 am

  2. This is a great post; really poignant, very beautiful. There’s always that hope to be more, isn’t there? I think you hit it on the head with the energy. I COULD be more … but gaah, where would that come from? I feel so exhausted as it is. I think there comes a time when we just have to accept who we are, the choices we’ve made and the things we’ve accomplished, as adequate. There’s always going to be more. That acceptance, though? WAY easier said than done.

    Comment by magda — July 22, 2009 @ 11:05 pm

  3. I, for one, think you’re pretty great. It’s good that you don’t think you’re perfect, you still have something to strive for, but you’re by no means a bad person.

    PS: Sorry about the movers eating your candy!

    Comment by imfb — July 25, 2009 @ 10:04 am


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