it’s always like this

July 8, 2009

what used to be

 ** editors note: i just found this in my draft folder.  i obviously wrote it back in January when i was moving, i’m not sure why i never hit publish but i figured better late than never**

one of those great things i’ve discovered while packing is my journals.  i didn’t bother opening the older ones but i found the last one i had… before i turned to electronic journaling (basically just using word instead of paper) and then to a blog.  of course once i found that i cracked it open and began reading.  i couldn’t read page by page because it’s just way too thick but i did skip to the middle/back and started reading, at first reading entire entries and then skimming them.  i know i’ve talked about this before when i found my journals from high school but it’s so neat to go back and read your writings from another time.  it’s almost like reading someone else’s work.

i read about past guys and realized all the things i’d forgotten.  a boy dancing with me in my living room at 2am that melted my heart.  a boy saying something that i placed as “the greatest compliment i will ever receive”.  what was that?  i have no clue but as soon as i read it i remember feeling that way for years and i even remember when i wrote that i didn’t feel the need to clarify because i thought i would cherish it forever.  even though i now i have no clue what he’d said.  i read about heartbreaks.  the heartbreaks not long before M that hurt so much i could feel the pain just reading about it.  i obviously don’t feel the same now as i did then about these guys or the relationships we had but it was a little painful to really read about what i’d been going through.  there were some pretty good entries in there where i really challenged myself and questioned my thoughts and feelings.

but reading through all this i came away with 3 things –

  1. i forgot about a very hard year.  i would categorize it as one of the hardest years of my life.  you would assume it was the year my dad passed away and i was laid off from my job while planning his funeral but while that is definitely in the list of “hardest years of my life”  it’s not the one i had forgotten about, the one i’d apparently blocked out of my mind.  it was between the ages of 24 and 25 and although i never thought i was capable of those feelings i believe i was clinically depressed.  i never sought help.  i cried alot.  i mean ALOT.  while i was reading about it i was flooded with memories of leaving work at lunch times and being in tears before i could even get to my car, i’d drive around town just crying until i could get myself together enough to grab food and get back to work.  i cried in the mornings.  i cried at night.  i cried any time i was not in front of someone else.  i cried myself to sleep most of the time.  i know how pathetic all of this sounds and i never thought i could EVER be that person, but i was.  life was very hard for me.  it was one of those times where it seemed nothing was going my way and i just couldn’t get my feet under me.  i think the thing that made it even harder was that it seemed no one else had time for me either.  everyone was getting married and having babies and i just had no one to turn to.  i’ve not admitted this to anyone but one person in my life but there were thoughts of “what if it could all just end??”  i’m hesitating to say the “s” word because i can’t guarantee those thoughts were there, but i have a feeling they were and i blocked them out once i was out of that frame of mind.  it’s nothing i could ever wrap my head around now, or even before then, but i’ve definitely thought about those who feel that way differently since then.  i never knew how anyone could think that was a viable option, how they could be so selfish.  but when you feel like no one would even notice if you were gone because you didn’t even talk to a single person outside of work for months at a time and no one noticed, it starts to make more sense.  i remember filling that journal up during this time because it was really the only way i got thoughts out, i didn’t talk to a single sole on a personal level.  i remember realizing one day that i hadn’t been physically touched by a single person in months… hugs, handshakes, a tap on the shoulder, nothing.
    i’m not saying i agree with it even today, but i understand it a little more.  but what’s crazy to me is that i’d completely forgotten about this dark period of my life.  i’ve always been able to look for the bright side of just about anything (when i want to) so to get this low was scary.  i don’t think i will ever get there again, at least i hope not.
  2. at the end of this time in my life i had one friend that i turned to for everything.  a man i have been friends with for many years but haven’t seen in at least 6 now.  this friend was DMD.  and he’s always been there.  he’s always been like that stranger you run into and can tell your secrets to because you don’t think you’ll ever see them again so you don’t care about their judgements.  that’s been his role in my life as long as i’ve known him.  and recently i had realized that he knew nothing of M, i’d never told him anything.  granted we don’t talk as much as we used to but that’s when i decided that i wouldn’t invite him to the wedding like i always thought i would. 
    after reading those entries i remembered why i’ve always considered DMD one of my dearest friends even though we never see each other.  there’s one distinct line in my journal about a phone call with him, and once i read it i was transported to that call instantly.  i was lying on the bathroom floor, sobbing uncontrollably at 3am and i had been that way for hours.  i called him and he made sense out of everything.  he always could.  he always knew exactly what i was feeling when i was too afraid to tell anyone, he knew how depressed i was.
    *editors note: obviously if you read my blog you know how this all turned out, and DMD will not be invited to the wedding and is actually no longer considered “in my life” *
  3. the last entry in my journal made all the tears from reading the previous pages make sense, it was the ending i’d needed and to me it makes total sense that i had left the remaining pages blank,  i no longer needed them.  it was after M and i finally decided to start dating.  i’ve already made this post extremely personal so i’ll leave you with that last entry…
    “I remember that night [DMD] and I had a really good talk.  Well he talked and I sat on the other end of the phone crying.  He had called me and proceeded to tell me about my life.  Not about things I’d told him, in fact it was about things I hadn’t told anyone.  He hit alot of things that night but one thing that still sticks out to me was when he told me ‘You’re looking for something’ and when I asked ‘what?’ he said ‘I don’t know but you’ll know it when you find it.’  I’m daring to say that I’ve found it.  It’s not in the package I always thoughts it would be and it wasn’t delivered the way I thought it would arrive but I’m sure this is it.  What’s I’ve actually found is what I’ve always wanted.  I wanted someone who really understood me, and if they didn’t was willing to try.  Someone who wants to fight for me.  Someone who’d even fight me for me.  Someone who is willing to wait for me.  Someone who can love as much as I can. …
    … Absolutely, by far, the best relationship I’ve ever been in.  I was just thinking about how they say ‘all good things must come to an end’ but I believe all bad ones must too.  It’s crazy because I just can’t explain it.  What I feel.  What I’m thinking.  How he affects me.  I can only say I’M HAPPY!  And I feel something I’ve never felt before.  And it’s great!”

  

  

~ today i learned… if you were to start with zero and spell out every number you wouldn’t find the letter “a” until you got to 1,000 ~

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