it’s always like this

June 3, 2009

what a waste of guilt

Filed under: gimme a break, growing pains — notsojenny @ 8:53 am

i spent last night being kinda relieved, kinda irritated, kinda hurt, kinda mad… all about the same thing.

back up to november, when M and became engaged.  we started calling our friends and family to let them know.  of course we called the people we knew we’d invite to the wedding, those people who we’re close to and most people found out first hand.  there were some people we figured were fine finding out through family or an email but we called most.

a couple of weeks went by and there was one person on my invite list that i hadn’t told yet.  it was my good friend DMD.  i’ve known this guy since 2000, we met when i was bartending and he was an avid martini drinker.  he’d moved around to varoius places for his medical career but we’d always kept in close touch.  sometimes i even visited.  but we talked on the phone for years, we sent christmas cards and birthday cards.  even though i hadn’t seen him in almost 6 years i still always referred to him as a “good friend”, i really felt he was.  i mean he was always there for me.  he was the person i would talk to whenever someone broke my heart and i was curled up on the bathroom floor sobbing so hard i could barely breathe.  he’d sit on the other end of the line and listen, he’d tell me things i couldn’t express and he was always dead on.  he was a great source of happiness in my life and he knew so much about me, i really valued having him as part of my life… i just hadn’t seen him in years. 

so why hadn’t i called him yet to tell him this big news?  well, and i know how this is going to sound but, he didn’t know about M.  i know that sounds awful and it definitely made me question our friendship.  i mean M was the most important person to me in the entire world for years, how could i not tell someone i considered so important about him?  in all honesty i guess a part of me always considered the relationship DMD and i had to be a little flirtatious, and i think a part of me believed that had we lived closer we may have dated one day.  so was he kinda my backup guy?  i don’t know, i don’t think so but maybe i’m just in denial.

so anyway i couldn’t figure out how to tell someone that you tell everything else to that you’ve been dating someone for a few years and you’re getting married, surprise!  then one day when i was moving i came across a journal and read about one really terrible point in my life where DMD was really the only person i felt was there for me, and i knew i HAD TO tell him because i really wanted him to be there.  so i dialed his number, as the phone rang the nerves bubbled up inside of me, my hands shook a little, and my stomach turned.  i had no idea what i was about to say… that’s when i got voicemail.  so i told him the truth, that i was getting married, how wonderful M is, i didn’t know why i had never mentioned him, but how much he (DMD) means to me and how important it was to me that he be at the wedding.

and i never heard anything back.  i imagined how i would have felt being on his end.  if he had called me and said that he never mentioned something so important, i would have been hurt.  and if i had indeed had a slight crush, i might have been really really hurt.  so i felt terrible.  awful.  for months.  and eventually i let it go… i’d actually forgotten all about it.  then the other day i received a text message:
“if i haven’t told you – i hope you have a wonderful life in your new adventure full of pleasure and fullfillment.  you deserve the best!”

i felt terrible reading this… i wasn’t sure what to think but i knew that the person i cared about so much no longer cared about me, and it was all my fault.  basically i betrayed him and all he could do was send a text 7 months later (wtf, btw?!)

then yesterday i had a thought, i logged into facebook and went to his page to see if he’d unfriended me (totally a move i’ve put my signature on) and i figured something out…

HE’S FUCKIN MARRIED

WHAT?!  he never told me anything about finding someone or getting married (not mad about that) but here i was feeling guilty and like a terrible friend for over a half a year and he had the nerve to make me feel worse by sending that shitty message.  he could have at least said something like “haha, me too!” or anything but no, instead he chose to ignore me even though i’d expressed how bad i felt about leaving out such an important piece of information from someone that meant so much to me and was always there for me.

the bitter/upset part of me wants to write him an email telling him how i feel about it all but the part of me that’s written too many “why did you break up with me” letters knows better

  

  

~ today i learned… wearing undies with a lace band to pilates will emboss your skin, and it does not feel good At All! ~

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3 Comments »

  1. WOW! Definitely DID NOT see that one coming. [expletive] [expletive] [expletive]!! That’s just messed up.

    I do know, so much, what it’s like to keep something back … even something really really good. I have actually done that with one of my past relationships; I wasn’t sure if it was going anywhere, even though I really liked the guy, so I just … didn’t mention him to one of my long-distance guy friends. It was weird, but at the time, and in the moment, it made sense.

    I vote no response. You want him to know how you feel and that’s valid, but your words would miss the mark. He’s done.

    What a sucky situation!

    Comment by magda — June 3, 2009 @ 12:32 pm

  2. maybe you were his backup gal, too. and, like you, maybe he left it unmentioned for too long that he felt awkward about telling you.

    how long has he been married? is it possible that he got engaged after receiving that call from you?

    Comment by freckledk — June 4, 2009 @ 10:25 am

  3. So weird! Especially that it took him that long to respond to you. I agree with freckledk, maybe you were his back up and he didn’t know what to say. Very strange. Oh well.

    Comment by DanceintheRain — June 5, 2009 @ 12:21 pm


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