it’s always like this

May 5, 2009

falkor or a rock biter

Filed under: growing pains, maybe it's me, perfect strangers — notsojenny @ 9:28 am

i realized recently that i have this certain issue that remains from my childhood even through today… and i don’t know how to fix/solve it.  the problem is that i never want things to end.  and i’m afraid that this carries over into so many areas of my life and it may be what’s led to bigger problems and insecurities. 

when i was little i remember always having that feeling… when we’d go somewhere fun for the day, i hated leaving.  i was NEVER ready to go home.  even when we’d exhausted everything there was to do, i’d try to scam in doing things a second or third time.  when my dad took me to car shows i’d ask to do a second lap, or i’d stall by just staring at certain cars.  when we went to amusement parks, even after we’d gone on all the rollercoasters i’d ask if we could to that one again, and after that i’d ask if we could do another one again, and so on.  when i was finally told “no, we have to leave.” i was always heartbroken.  i felt so let down, like we didn’t get to finish.  finish what?  i don’t know.  we’d gone on every ride and seen everything i wanted to see and eaten every carnival food there was.

when i was a teenager it was driving.  i’d take the car out to run a quick errand but then as i was heading home i’d realize i just wasn’t ready to go home yet.  so i’d drive around aimlessly.  i pissed away more gas than i care to remember just driving around CT because i didn’t want to go home.  even when i was dating i distinctly remember seeing a guy and we’d gone out for the day to some event and even though we’d spent the whole day out and he was exhausted i remember him looking at me as we turned down my street and he said “you don’t want to go home yet, huh?” and he was right. 

even now, i never want things to end.  of course this is a slight overstatement as i want the bad and unenjoyable things to end as quickly as possible but when it comes to good things i just can’t get enough.  but when M and i go to the amusement park now i still find myself saying “let’s go on that one again” and then after that “can we go back to that other one?” and so on.  after we’ve been on every coaster once and some of them 2x M is always ready to leave.  i agree to go but still, on the way out i can’t help but feel unfulfilled.  like there was more to see or do and i’m missing out on it even though i know there isn’t, i just feel this way.  when i go out to run errands by myself i often find myself “just hopping over” to another store (or two) just because i really don’t want to go home yet.  i’m not looking for something specific and most of the time i don’t even want to spend money but i just don’t want to end my little excursion.   this is why S and i got along so well, she was always up for going “one more place” no matter what.

i don’t know where or why i developed this little trait but when i really stop to think about it i can probably consider it the source for some of my bigger issues.  i can definitely see where this has manifested itself into other areas of my life.   i’ve had a hard time letting things go, just letting them end, namely relationships.  i always felt like there was something missing at the end, maybe it was closure or maybe i just felt this same unfulfilled notion.  even with visits to see my family, and time with M every single day, i NEVER want it to end.  when we have to go to bed i stall, i drag out my nightly routine just to stay up and spend time with M… i see him all day every day, i shouldn’t need this.  but i do.  whenever the weekend is over i always feel unsatisfied, like it just wasn’t as much as it was supposed to be. one of my favorite quotes that kinda touches on this is by Dr. Seuss “you know you’re in love when you can’t fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams”.

this is the best i can describe this feeling, and i’m not sure why but it dawned on me at one point the other day what goes on.  i don’t know how to get around this feeling either, like nothing is EVER enough.  that constant feeling of being unsatisfied, like i’m missing something, like there’s more to see/do/have/feel.  as much as all of these words are negative it’s not a negative thing at all, i know that, i just want more of the good things, i feel like i can’t get enough of them.  so even when M and i go out and have a great day together when it comes time to go to bed i’m thrilled about our day and as happy as i always am about our relationship, but i’m just bummed about the day being over… that it can’t just go on for even longer…  and then be followed by more days that are even longer again.

i don’t know if i’m the only person out there that experiences this, or if someone can put it much better than i have (i’m struggling with how to really explain it) but if anyone knows how to make this stop i’m all ears.

  

  

~ today i learned… (this may seem obvious to most but…) the only planet without a ring is earth ~

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1 Comment »

  1. Good for you for having the courage to write about this. When I was younger I felt the same way!!! I think somewhere in my late teens/early twenties I got over it, but I remember wondering WHY I felt that way, almost like I was addicted to that thrill of doing something I enjoyed, of being “happy” and that I never wanted it to end.

    Comment by La Petite Belle — May 6, 2009 @ 11:19 am


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