it’s always like this

March 2, 2009

caution: being nice causes stress

Filed under: a wedding story — notsojenny @ 10:18 am

i’ve tried.  i’ve tried SOOOO hard to be nice through this whole wedding planning process.

all along i’ve told my MOHs and everyone else involved that i wanted this entire thing that there are a few things i felt were key to planning this wedding.  i wanted to save money (wherever possible), have it be stress free, and for everyone to have fun!  it turns out that’s a dream and a total joke… i guess.

when M and i got engaged we both consulted with our families and closest friends to find out when they might not be able to attend a wedding and crossed those dates off our list, that was nice right?
when my mother rattled off 3 MONTHS that didn’t work for her we obliged, that was nice right?
i picked up my MOH dresses for cheap and even bought an extra in case someone got pregnant and needed fabric for alterations, that was nice right?
then i told them that they could wear whatever else they want with them, i didn’t care about everyone having matching shoes/jewelery/etc., that was nice right?
once they both told me that had no clue what to do about shoes i went out looking to see if i could find something cheap for them, that was nice right?
i bought them multiple options and sent pictures and even linked to more options online in case they didn’t like them, that was nice right?
i took on all the responsibility of doing all the shoe hunting and deal finding to take this task off their list since they’re both moms and have busy schedules, that was nice right?

so how come i keep getting bit in the ass with all of this?  for the past few weeks we’ve had our wedding date narrowed down to one single day.  once we looked at a calendar and took my female cycle into consideration (yes, it’s that important) we came up with about 3 dates.  one of those conflicts with another wedding that one of M’s good friends is going to so that left 2 dates.  they were 4wks apart.  we picked the latter one.  when my family was here i told my sister multiple times that this would probably be our wedding date.  when i talked to my mom last week i told her the same thing, all i got was “oh, okay”… nothing alarming.  so when i told my sister today that we’re probably booking our venues this week and she so nicely (read with all sarcasm) asked me “i know it’s your wedding and you’re going to do whatever you want but do you just not care that that’s mom’s [insert busy work week name here] weekend?!”

uh, what?  that would have been nice to know 4+ months ago when i asked what dates were out… or even LAST WEEK when i mentioned it AGAIN!!  wtf?!  and my sister has a serious problem with being offensive and condescending when she’s sharing this kind of news.

oh yah, this was at the end of a conversation that caused me to pop my bridezilla cherry.  she called me to tell me she didn’t like ivory shoes with brown dresses.  um, okay, that’s why i told her she could wear whatever she wanted in the first place.  i was honestly just trying to help when i found those shoes, she told me she didn’t know when she’d have time to go out looking.  i was just trying to be nice and take that task off her plate.

and the flowergirl dresses?  that’s another issue in itself entirely!  i’ve showed my sister what i’m envisioning… i’ve told her i’ll keep looking for them.  she volunteered to keep an eye out too… after all TJ Maxx & Marshalls get cute stuff all the time, you never know what you’re going to find at a ridiculous price.  then all of the sudden her mother in law (yes, my sister’s mother in law, not mine) is calling saying she found dresses and bought them for my nieces (her grandkids) for the wedding.  uhh, what?!  i’ve never told her what i wanted, she just saw dresses she apparently thought would be nice for my wedding.   keep in mind that she has no clue what anything about my wedding is going to look like, only what little info she’s heard from my sister.  and the woman sent us monogrammed napkins.  mind you i was floored when we got these as it was such an unexpected gift.  i really had no intentions of receiving any engagement gifts from my sister’s mother in law, but there they were.  it was such a nice gesture but i couldn’t help but feel bad about it.  i mean how are you supposed to react when someone who is not going to be invited to your wedding gets you an engagement gift and is trying to help plan said wedding?  for me, it’s guilt.  i feel bad that i’m not going to invite them, they’re very nice, but really they’re still not invited.

it was somewhere in between all of these things when i said it… “it’s MY wedding!”  i hated myself as soon as i heard the words leave my mouth.  but it was the only thing i could say at that time to explain why i was so upset about things.  in reality i was just trying to be nice with letting everyone pick their own stuff, thinking it would be so much easier than telling them what to do. i thought it would be easier for all involved to be pretty lax about all those details.   it turns out that, no, that’s not easier at all.  apparently even though i hated the shoes, dresses, etc. that i’d been told to don for other weddings it’s definitely the stress free way to go.  next time i get married i’m going to remember that.

~ today i learned…. i guess this is why i’m usually fairly stress free, i’m a bitch and it pays ~



  1. Omg…I am so learning from this and just picking everything out myself when I get married. Also, I’ve kind of already adopted a “it’s my wedding, if you can come great, if you can’t, well, that’s too bad b/c you’ll all know well enough in advance to plan for it” kind of attitude.

    Comment by stealthnerd — March 2, 2009 @ 10:39 am

  2. I can’t even imagine how frustrating this must be. Don’t they see that you’ve been so good? Compared to how positively bitchy so many brides get, they’ve so gotten the royal treatment.

    At the end of the day, though, you’re right to remember that this IS your day–the only one you get! Sucks that you had to lay it out like that, but seriously, these girls have had their turn. Now it’s their job to be there for you. It sounds self-centered, but in this case, it really is all about you!

    I’m so sorry about all of this. And I hope things get easier soon.

    Comment by magda — March 3, 2009 @ 10:13 am

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