it’s always like this

February 24, 2009

friend or foe

Filed under: family ties, maybe it's me — notsojenny @ 7:47 pm

with everything that’s been going on i just haven’t been feeling the blogging thing lately.  having my family in town took up alot of my energy and now my allergies seem to have kicked in and knocked me on my butt for a couple of days.  i’m feeling better tonight so i’m trying to get back here.   i know we all go through those stages of eh, i just don’t feel like writing a damn thing today so i’m totally cool with the gaping hole in my posts.

anyway, when my sister was here we got into a “conversation” and it’s been irritating me.  (i of course used quotation marks because many of our conversations are actually low level arguments).  just as with everyone else in my family i can’t argue my side the way i would with anyone else, i know them too well to know that it would never end if i did this.  you see my sister SWEARS that she only discusses things like this to get her point across and that’s it… except she keeps going.  i’ve tried to point out to her that she doesn’t stop until you agree but she SWEARS that’s not the case.  whatever, i digress

so she was talking about this girl she knew in h.s…. we’ll call her BS.  you see my sister and her were seen as best buddies all through high school.  doesn’t sound so bad, right?  well it wouldn’t be if anyone else could stand BS for a minute.  but because of her it seemed no one else wanted to be friends with my sister so she just sucked it up and continued the friendship with BS.  she said that she felt bad leaving this girl with no friends, but to me i think she was too afraid to have no friends herself.  it all seems like a catch 22 to me but that’s just the way it was.  so anyway, once they left h.s. my sister quickly severed the friendship with BS.  she has gone on to live her life without the girl and is a much better person for it.

the other year my sister received a card in the mail from BS.  she was stumped at what to do because this girl had tracked her down and mentioned that she heard she had little girls, etc. etc.   my sister was struggling with whether she should write a note back saying she really didn’t want to be friends with her.  when she asked me what to do i told her to leave it, don’t respond.   that’s what she did.

so the other day my sister made a comment about how she really wanted to join facebook to connect with people but she knew she couldn’t because of BS.  she said that BS would find her on there and want to be friends with her.

here’s where the “discussion” began. 

my pov –if you don’t want to be friends with someone, Don’t Be!  it’s fairly easy and causes alot let stress and drama
sister’s pov – i don’t want BS to feel bad if i don’t accept her friend request,  so i don’t even want to end up in that position.   and i don’t want to not be able to use my facebook account because i accepts BS’s friend request.   but i also don’t want her to know the details of my life
my pov –you continue your life and join facebook if you want to, you don’t accept friend requests from people you don’t actually want to be friends with
sister’s pov – i just don’t want to be responsible for hurting BS’s feelings
my pov – that’s selfish because it’s really just about you and not BS
sister’s pov –it’s the opposite of selfish because i’m just looking out for someone else’s feelings
my pov –it’s totally selfish to take responsibility for BS’s feelings.  i think it’s more hurtful to pretend to be friends with someone that you don’t care for, plus it’s alot of work
sister’s pov – but if i just act like we may be friends BS would never know the difference and wouldn’t possibly feel bad about herself
my pov – (smacking my hand down on the table) it’s worse to make someone think that you like them!  it’s only  a disservice to BS as she’ll never learn that she may need to change things about herself.  plus how would BS feel down the road if she thought she’d repaired a friendship only to find out you don’t really want to be friends… and she would find out
sister’s pov – she would never find out, that’s the point
my pov – (now pointing my finger) this is all about you and you don’t see it.  you’re not looking out for her feelings because she’s going to feel bad either now or later.  you just don’t want her to blame you, you don’t want to feel responsible. 

around this time she got up to take my niece to the bathroom.  i was done with the conversation anyway, i knew we weren’t going to see eye to eye.  i wasn’t surprised when she got back to continue telling me that she was looking out for BS.  i eventually just shut up and said “okay” about 20 times until she let it go.  i can’t be so awesome as to lie and say i agree but i know when to shut up because she’s never going to if i keep responding without “you’re right, i agree now.”  the conversation eventually faded away but it left me a little irritated (obviously as i’m bringing it up here).

so i know i’ve made my point on this blog before about how awful i think it is to act like you’re friends with someone when you’re really not.  maybe i’m just ultrasensitive to this because it’s happened to me more times than i’d like to recall, and each and every time i wished that person had never acted like a friend from the start.  it would have been so much easier.  i also know that there are plenty of people out there that think the way my sister does.  i mean i can’t even begin to understand it because it’s just not how i think.  i’d rather be honest with people about my distaste for them than to pretend i think they’re okay.  is that a little cold, probably.  but i honestly feel it’s the best way in the long run.

so tell me, how do you deal with this stuff?  am i the only person who just ignores fb requests from people i don’t care to be friends with?  do you feel worse about possibly being mean/cold to someone rather than just faking a friendship with them to spare their feelings?   i know there’s no right answer but i’m really curious as to how other people deal with these situations…



~ today i learned… there have only been 2 posthumous Oscars awarded, the other one was for the screenplay of Gone With the Wind, Sidney Howard ~



  1. I certainly understand when it comes to “discussing” things with a sister. I love mine to death, but there are times I just don’t get where the heck she is coming from. i often just agree-to-disagree as to save face of whatever it is we are trying to discuss. I often find that my sister doesn’t really want my opinion, she just wants me to tell her that she is right. I have a hard time doing that…I can be a bit opinionated at times. As for being friends with some one I don’t like…I don’t. I have to agree with you! It is far more hurtful to “pretend” to like someone than to just be honest with them…and yourself….that maybe you shouldn’t be friends. I kind of see it as lying. Just because you don’t disclose ALL the info, doesn’t make it any less of a lie. Know what I mean???

    Comment by Jenn Claar — February 24, 2009 @ 8:20 pm

  2. That’s exactly it. If you don’t want to be friends with the girl – facebook or otherwise – then don’t be. By not communicating with her or accepting friend requests, you’re not being a mean person. It’s not like your sister slapped her in the face and called her some really awful name or started a rumor about her or anything. This whole ‘conversation’ would have quickly irritated me. It’s nice that your sister doesn’t want to hurt anyones feelings, but let’s be honest… You’re sister is older than you, right? So, how long has she been out of high school? Many years? Does it really even matter anymore? Just move on with your life and quit worrying about stupid little things. Oh, and freakin just join facebook if you want to.


    Comment by DanceintheRain — February 24, 2009 @ 8:45 pm

  3. there’s absolutely no rule saying you have to be friends with people. Gah i loathe thinking of the number of times i’ve done just that and then later realized being nice to spare their feelings just wasn’t worth the trouble in the end. It’s best to just…not say “hey. i don’t like you” but let the friendship fall by the wayside on it’s own right. I think it’s one of the lessons of growing up – learning that you don’t have to be everyone’s friend…i can see how it would be frustrating to…try to make your older sister understand that :/

    Comment by heidi — February 24, 2009 @ 9:17 pm

  4. I totally ignore fb requests of people I don’t like or don’t know. Oddly enough, this week, I’ve received about five requests from people I don’t know…nor did we have any friends in common! I have no idea where they came from or why they’d want to be my friend, but anyway…

    Comment by Lexi — February 24, 2009 @ 9:30 pm

  5. I usually accept facebook requests just because, but if I don’t like someone I usually just allow them to see my limited profile (which is like my name, picture, and networks). But in life, I am over trying to be friends with people just because. I’m too busy to force friendships and make something out of nothing. If people don’t like me for it, then oh well!

    Comment by Jackie — February 24, 2009 @ 9:34 pm

  6. I feel like I’m finally done being friends with people out of charity, or pity, or because I feel like I should. If I’m not getting anything out of it, I’ll phase it out … like you, I’ve been on the receiving end of false friendships for too long, and I know just how hard that can be when it all comes tumbling out. If she doesn’t care for this girl, she shouldn’t act all friendly.

    I’m not on facebook for exactly this reason. I don’t want to be friended–or to friend people–unless it’s really genuine, and I feel like there’s too much potential for abuse there.

    Comment by magda — February 25, 2009 @ 12:33 am

  7. luckily I haven’t had this situation but if I ever do I won’t accept the friendship… especially if I felt like being friends with that person would make me not want to FB!

    Comment by Kerry — February 25, 2009 @ 1:18 pm

  8. if it makes you feel better, I currently have 5 people in Fbook limbo. I keep them there b/c it’s easier to deal with. One person I ignored after he’d been in limbo for 7 months (even AFTER I’d already de-friended him) and then re-friended me after I ignored him. Some people just don’t get it. That’s the beauty of limbo–they don’t have to know that you aren’t accepting…they’ll just think you’re NEVER on Fbook.

    Comment by stealthnerd — February 25, 2009 @ 1:59 pm

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