it’s always like this

December 31, 2008

out with the olde

Filed under: growing pains, maybe it's me, the love boat, wonder years — notsojenny @ 9:53 am

it’s amazing how different this upcoming year feels already.  i mean for the last few years i’ve kissed M at midnight on New Year’s Eve and everyone knows that olde lore that says that who you kiss at that moment is who you’ll spend the next year with.  and each time we’ve kissed i’ve known that i would be spending the next year with him, sometimes you just know these things and i truly felt it deep down.   but no matter the relationship there’s always that little window of doubt.  no matter how long you’ve been with someone, as long as you’ve dated more than one person, there’s always that little spot of doubt caution that speaks up silently while you’re in the middle of thinking “yes, this is it!  we’ll always be together!” and it says “but there is a chance it could end some day.  not that i want it to, just reminding you.”  i guess this little voice or reason thinks it’s being helpful but really it’s just a nuisance.  it’s just around enough to bum you out when you have no reason to think these things.

so anyway, thinking about this made me realize that not only was i right about M but that every year when we kiss at midnight now i will not have that voice.  this IS the man i’ll be spending the next year with, every year!  (please don’t even bother to tell me that some marriages do end because #1 i don’t care to hear it #2 i already told M that divorce is not an option and if any part of him believes it is then we are not to get married)  so anyway this thought of course led me to think about all of those sad-sack guys i’ve kissed in the past, on NYE or otherwise.  and while i could have lived without the heartache i also wouldn’t be who & where i am today without them.  one in particular because i actually moved to VA with him… which led me to M.

let me give you a quick run down of the winners i’ve picked in the past…

  • one i met online ( or something like that, my sister talked me into it when i was in a terrible dating rut) and he lived in DC.  we spent alot of time together and then one night in the midst of activities he informed me that he was not having sex until marriage.  hmmm, okay?!  i believe i may have thrown a minor hissy fit and acted very male when i basically told him i didn’t think i could do that and i also didn’t really want to marry someone i hadn’t done it with (mature i know).  i ended up deciding he was worth waiting for only to be dumped via phone months later (after i had to leave him a message telling him to be a man and just dump me already… it was pretty obvious)  then of course i wrote the note.  The Note.  you know, the one that goes on about how great we could have been, and how much i cared about him, etc. etc.  S wisely advised me not to send it… too late.  i’ll forever kick myself for that one.
  • there is a special place in hell for guys like the one who gave me a yeast infection and never called again, oh he was a gem (i can’t even remember his name though)
  • there’s one guy i’d love to publicly blast (though i will retain my dignity and not do it)  for dating me for about 3 months… spending all his time with me, i mean 24hrs a day on the weekends, etc.  i should have opened my eyes when he met my family & friends on a roadtrip we took and they all thought he was a tool, but of course i didn’t.  i did think it was really nice that he was taking things super slow though.  despite sleeping in the same bed all the time we never did more than kiss (oh i was so naive, even in my 20’s).  it wasn’t until he dropped me off one day and told me he wouldn’t see me that weekend because his girlfriend was in town that anything clicked.   they were engaged a few months later.  i still have a friend in common with him and she still knows nothing about his exploits for those months.  that poor girl, she doesn’t even know the kind of guy she married.
  • then there was the guy who also dated girls like this crazy nut job.  this is the boy i followed down to VA though so i can only say so much about him that’s unpleasant because in my eyes if it weren’t for him i would not have met the love of my life!  but this guy was no prize either, after we broke up and i had doubts he told me he wanted to get back together, and we did that night.  the next morning he said he wanted to be just friends.  awesome.  the last i heard from him (besides his fb request) was when he was in town and i’m happy to think we’ll never talk again
  • there was the bouncer i dated when i was bartending.  he was 10yrs my senior and had long hair and wore full overalls.  yah, i don’t know what i saw in him either.  the red flags should have been up when he was “just living” with his ex and they weren’t dating anymore.  uh, yah, okay.  one night he was acting suspicious so i left work and headed to his house only to have him meet me at the door and admit he was cheating on me and she was in there now.  sleeping on MY pillow!  he was a total dirtbag.  people at work later admitted to covering for him and i never forgave them either, apparently they all thought he was a stud for running me around like that.
  • then there was my Big.  every girl has one, the one you always thought “got away”.  i was smitten with him and drove from CT to CO to be with him once because he was going to drive back with me.  the very first night i was there he ditched me for some girl who was “just a friend”.  i guess that’s all i was too… i still have no clue.  i didn’t talk to him after that trip.  then out of the blue he called me when he moved back to CT and told me he’d be over at noon, keep in mind i hadn’t heard from him in months.  i’d sent him a letter about how he broke my heart and that was the last communication (yah, i’m big on putting my feelings into print and sending them off i guess).  so i waited at my house, and waited, and waited, and… you get the point.  he never did show up.  talk about heartbreak!  then years later, after i’d moved to VA he tracked me down and called me… i still don’t know exactly how.  we talked a couple of times for hours at a time.  i wasn’t ready to ask what had happened that day back in CT because i didn’t want to make him run away.  at the end of a phone conversation he told me to call him in a couple of days, so i did.  and the guy who answered the phone informed me that he wasn’t there, that he was working at another place now, his fiance’s father’s place.  wow!  he’d done it to me again, i couldn’t believe it.  i’d be lying if i said i didn’t know that he’s married and lives in CA now, but that’s all i know and i heard it through friends, there’s nothing about him on the internet, trust me, i spent alot of time looking.
  • the guy i dated when i left college had me wrapped around his finger too.  he was a virgin before me and i didn’t want to be his first because i knew he’d just want to see what else was out there after that door was open… i knew what i was talking about.  sure enough down the road he admitted to me that he’d cheated on me at a NYE party one year when i wasn’t there.  i forgave him.  he later admitted to me that he’d cheated on me again, something about letting some girl pee on him too, he was freaky i guess.  i forgave him.  he eventually dumped me for some girl that was 16… uh, it was borderline illegal but whatever.  and for some reason i was shocked when it happened… looking back i have no clue how i could not have seen it coming or why i asked to be treated like that over and over.  it definitely wasn’t low self-esteem so i’ve got no basic psychology reason.
  • the guy i dated in college before him told me on my birthday that he’d cheated on me (is there a pattern here?) with his “friend”.  i knew it and i was upset but i wasn’t heart broken because i already knew and had gone out to hook up with another guy i was crushing on before he told me (what?  i can’t be as bad as the guys i date? oh please!)

that’s just a little glimpse into the guys i’ve had in my life over the past 10 years.  this of course doesn’t account for my random hookups or guys i used to make myself feel better (whatever, you’ve done it, admit it or not) or the guy i dated for all 4 years of high school.  there’s a line in one of my favorite SJP movies, Miami Rhapsody, that goes “yah, maybe i’m easy.  or maybe i just fall in love alot.”  i guess that’s how i’ve always seen myself.  i’ve been a serial dater, and i’ve given 100% to everyone i’ve dated (up until the end with some because i saw it coming), and for some reason i’ve been through alot of guys but for once in my life the one i wanted, the one i’ve waited for, the one i’ve waded (through all the a-holes & heartache) for is finally mine.  not just for now.  not just for the next year. but forever!  and i couldn’t be happier!

(also i have to admit that the realization that i’ll never have to deal with another dirtbag like the ones mentioned above, knowing that i’ll never be made to feel so worthless, never be treated that poorly again is quite possibly one of the best feelings ever!)



~ today i learned… 7% of the entire Irish barley crop goes to the production of Guinness beer ~



  1. I know how you feel! I look back and can’t believe the shit I put up with – it was pathetic really. But you’re right it’s all worth it when you find the right one.

    Comment by Megkathleen — December 31, 2008 @ 4:58 pm

  2. This is such a perfect overview of how finding The One often requires a lot of sludging and trudging. So yeah, you picked some real winners (and some of these stories seriously had me laughing). But now that you’ve found your perfect match, you can look back and see that it wasn’t all for nought.

    My mom always says “I’ll be a widow before I’m a divorcee.” Tell M to think about that : )

    Comment by magda — December 31, 2008 @ 6:41 pm

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