it’s always like this

August 27, 2008

i hate me

Filed under: just shoot me, maybe it's me — notsojenny @ 11:01 am

for the most part i love me.  i’m a big fan of me.  it’s just when i do things like let my imagination run wild that i hate me. 

after taking in things that M has said to me, and we all know i’ve been waiting patiently for my proposal, i started to think.  this always gets me into trouble.  i read waaay too much into what people tell me and then i interpret on my own – bad idea.  so at some point over the last week or so i uncovered a plan in my little head.  i convinced myself that the trip we have planned for the first football game this weekend was a beard.  it was all a sly ploy to get me in the car.  and i started to imagine that once we got on the road we’d head north when we should be heading south.  that’s when i’d know.  i’d know that we were heading to CT to be around my family where he would propose. 

so when we were talking about the trip details last night i threw in a few specific questions to see if i was on the right track.  and i’m not.  it’s obvious that we ARE going to the football game.  which is what i would expect, had i not come up with the elaborate plan otherwise.  of course i immediately turned sour and was no longer interested in being nice.  i was upset.  more upset with myself for continually setting me up for a letdown.  everyone says “just don’t think about it.  it’ll happen when it’ll happens.” to which i say “PISS OFF!”.  i have no patience!  i can’t just sit back and wait for ANYTHING!  this is driving me CRAZY!! 

and this has been going on for a while.  i’m trying so hard to focus on other things like making plans with friends, my impending invisalign start, and finding a job.  honestly, one of the reasons i was really excited about getting that other job (yah, the one i didn’t get) was because i knew i’d get wrapped up in that right away which would occupy the area of my mind that likes to wander and come up with elaborate plans that aren’t actually in the works.  the NKOTB concert is mere weeks away and i still can’t distract myself.  there’s some insane part of me that just has to ruin surprises.  i am determined to spend so much time thinking up every possible situation that i couldn’t possibly be surprised when one of them happens.  oh well, i guess i just have to learn to deal with it because i’m obviously not figuring out how to change it.



~ today i learned… Americans over 18 years of age consume 65 percent of the candy that’s produced each year ~



  1. I’m the same way. I let myself get let down far too often. And while my brain is wandering, it often wanders to a place where I come up with insane stories about L’s ex and how he secretly wants to be with her. All not true, but that’s what happens when you let yourself think. ugh!

    Comment by DanceintheRain — August 27, 2008 @ 11:28 am

  2. If it makes you feel any better, I do the EXACT same thing. All the time. I know my BF is going to ask me, I just don’t know when. So I keep doing stupid things like asking him if it will be within a year, or within 6 months, or whatever. And inevitably I end up getting annoyed with him when I don’t like the answer. But, at the same time, I’m still in the “PISS OFF” boat with you when it comes to people telling me to be patient!

    Comment by stealthnerd — August 27, 2008 @ 11:32 am

  3. My problem is primarily the breadth and glory of my own imagination. The plots I hatch and the scenarios I envision are almost ALWAYS better than the real thing, which consistently leads to disappointment that no one else can anticipate or understand. I’d try to throw your energy into planning the eventual wedding, and imagining the details of that–because at least there, you have some control, and there won’t be anyone to let you down. I know how you feel, though, and it’s rough!

    Comment by magda — August 27, 2008 @ 2:24 pm

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