it’s always like this

August 8, 2008

not shellfish

Filed under: just shoot me — notsojenny @ 9:22 am

i know that expecting people to always take my feelings into account with everything they do is not a practical thought process.  so when i get my feelings hurt and get upset in these instances i try to keep it under control and internalize it. whenever possible anyway.

so right now i’m upset and i know i’m being super selfish but it doesn’t change the fact that i’m on the verge of tears.

a month ago it was my mom.  you all know how i’ve been plottingplanning my imaginary wedding, right?  well one of the things i’m really excited about for the make-believe event is the bridesmaids gifts.  since i’m only planning on having my 2 closest girls (my sister & S) i can really do somethings that are fun and personal.  you should also know that i’m slightly pashmina obsessed.  so naturally i thought these would be a perfect thing to add to their gifts.  i was so excited about them and picking out which colors for each girl so that they’ll get use out of them.  you see these 2 girls have been pashmina virgins.  until my mom came along.  she came back from China last month with a boatload of textiles and stuff.  i couldn’t even tell you how many pashminas she brought but it’s A TON!  at least 3 or 4 for everyone.  so that bummed me out, had to cross that idea off the list.  luckily i’ve found something else i’m really excited about giving to my mythical bridesmaids so i guess i’ll focus on that.

recently my sister and i had a talk.  she’s looking at having baby #3.  soon.  i knew her discussing the thought and talking about possibly starting to try in the near future meant she was going to try that night.  all along she’s known that my pretend wedding is planned for next spring.  M is even in on this decision.  so her getting pregnant now would land right on top of that.  the month i’m dreaming of is April since it bodes the nicest weather around these parts.  wouldn’t you know it?  that’s right about when she’ll be 9mos.  some people are probably thinking, who knows when she’ll get pregnant though.  oh, i know.  she gets pregnant just looking at her husband.  it’s a dirty nasty skill.  so now i’m going to have to work my wedding around her.  i know it’s selfish and i can’t get upset about it (to her) but it really upsets me.  she’s been asking me these questions about when we might have our wedding for a while, she was acting like she’d take that into consideration.  it’s not that i don’t want her to be pregnant at my wedding, i don’t care about that.  i just really wanted her to be a part of everything and to be able to stay for the entire reception and have a great time.  but it we have a wedding in march she’ll be 8mos and not really able to have too much fun.  she’ll mostly want to get off her feet.  if we do it after april she’ll have a newborn saddled to her and not be able to stay long or enjoy herself (plus i’m kinda nervous about her public breastfeeding).  and we’ll have to know her due date before being able to plan our wedding and won’t be able to use the 2wks before or after that date.  so now we have to plan around her.  not to mention the fact that our idea of a destination wedding is totally out.  wtf?!  i don’t care how spoiled it makes me sound but i really want to cross my arms and stamp my feet about it.  i wouldn’t care if she were due in Feb or Aug.  but it’s right in the middle of the time I wanted, that she specifically asked me about!

so besides that i’ve had random bouts of tears when i’m with M regarding the timing of his supposed proposal, and i’ve made comments.  comments that let him know i love that he’s agreed to a spring wedding but the longer he waits the less chance we’ll actually have at getting one…  people don’t plan their weddings a month out.  when my mother called a month ago and told me she was going to try to visit in Aug it made me very anxious.  in fact, during one of my crying jags with M i let it out that i really wanted to be able to go look for dresses with her.  it’s very important to me that she be involved in that and living 500miles away from each other we don’t get that many opportunities.  with not leaving much time between now and an imaginary spring wedding the chances of us being able to do all this together are slim.  so when i got off the phone with her and talked to him yesterday i was sad.  she’s going to be here next week (taht part is exciting, but i don’t get to look at dresses with her).  no ring = no dress shopping.  i’m really hurt about this one.  he keeps telling me “i know.  i know.  don’t worry.”  but i do worry.  and this is why.  i told him how important this was to me.  and he doesn’t seem to care.  first he was putting renovations on his house before proposing to me, which he knew hurt my feelings.  i know i’m overreacting.  and i KNOW i’m being super selfish to want it all on MY timeline.  but i still feel like if it were me, and he told me how important being able to do something with his mom was, i’d do what i was going to do in time.  why wait?

then again, i would have done it last year the first time i said it’s what i was going to do.

the icing on the cake was when my mom called to let me know that one of my dogs (which she’s had since i moved) went to the vet because he had bloody butt syndrome.  uh, after a round of expensive x-rays and sonograms it turns out the kid’s got a tumor.  in his abdomen.  the size of a softball.  the thought of it makes my eyes well up.  it’s so hard to know that someone you love (even if it is a dog) has been suffering and you’ve had no clue.  the poor thing, we have no clue how long he’s been in pain until the blood started coming.  so now there’s a dilemma.  the next step is the biopsy to see if it’s cancerous.  if it isn’t, we have it removed and home it doesn’t grow back.  done.  but if it is, we’re not really sure what to decide.  the options will be to remove it and put him through chemo, leave it and put him down, remove it and let him live uncomfortably until he’s in too much pain and then put him down.  the best solution is yes, remove it and treat with chemo.  but he’s 14yrs old.  and the thousands of dollars and discomfort that comes with chemo, they’re just not appealing to us.   i know some people will think that’s awful, but i’m not rich, my mom is DEFINITELY not rich.  we can’t afford to put thousands into a dog that’s only got a few good years left anyway.  it’s already cost $500 just to diagnose.  if it is cancerous we’ll have some tough decisions, so we’ll just wait and see for now.  but it totally sucks.  i love my dogs.

oh well.  there’s nothing i can do about any of these things but move on.  try to put it behind me.  it’s hard when you’re personality focuses on the problems and not solutions.  it’s very hard.

everyone have a great weekend.  i’m gonna get by beach on tomorrow and drown my sorrows in a frozen pina colada

~ today i learned… the microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket. ~

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4 Comments »

  1. My sister’s maid of honor dress didn’t get made until 2 weeks before my wedding b/c she kept saying “I just don’t know if I’ll be pregnant or not by then” BAH! I feel your pain on this one.

    Comment by littlespoon — August 8, 2008 @ 10:04 am

  2. You are not being selfish! You’re allowed to WANT things to happen the way you want them to happen because sometimes it is about you!

    Comment by Kerry — August 8, 2008 @ 2:32 pm

  3. I think I’m about in the same boat, regarding boyfriends and proposals…I’ve definitly made comments, Steve knows I want Oct 09…but I have yet to see a ring. So frustrating!

    Comment by Lexi — August 11, 2008 @ 2:21 pm

  4. […] = super selfish Filed under: just shoot me, maybe it’s me — notsojenny @ 11:33 am so i already wondered once whether i was being super selfish or not… and the concensus was that i was not being […]

    Pingback by selfish + selfish = super selfish « it’s always like this — September 25, 2008 @ 11:33 am


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