it’s always like this

June 16, 2008

too much estrogen is a bad thing

Filed under: just shoot me, maybe it's me, perfect strangers — notsojenny @ 10:06 am

i’m not sure if i’ve told this story yet.  i’m definitely too lazy to go back and check through all my posts to see if i have.  (this makes me wonder, if you post often how are you supposed to keep track of things you’ve said and things you haven’t?  does it matter??)  anyway, when i moved here i was determined to make friends with girls.  i’d had no trouble making guy friends but i really wanted girlfriends.  the first girl i befriended was K.  i mentioned her here.  i also mentioned W in that post but there was a group of girls in between there too (though none of them happened to be at that party).  if you add up all these stories it becomes pretty obvious why i don’t spend too much energy making girlfriends anymore.  and i’msure so many girls out there can relate.  it’s one time after another that it just doesn’t seem to be worth it.  so about this other group…

i met them at work.  i started to become friends with one girl that was on my team.  she was girlfriends with a few other girls that worked on our floor.  they’d invited me to get drinks once or twice.  it wasn’t until we went to the bachelor auction that i considered them my friends too.  after that we all talked at work, sent emails, definitely met up more often.  no one was my best friend, but i felt i’d made a healthy group of girlfriends.  i was a single girl at the time and that’s really what i needed.  so then one night they invited me to a house party.  it was at this guy’s house, i knew him from work too, and it was a pseudo-birthday party for one of the girls.  i went and had a really good time.  then as the night got late and the party thinned out we headed out to the bars around the corner.  i was pretty hammered by then, along with everyone else.  not too long before last call the guy whose house it was said “let’s go back” and dragged me out the door.  no big deal.  i figured everyone saw me leave and i’d see them back at the house soon anyway so i didn’t think twice.  next thing i know this guy kisses me as we’re walking.  we ended up making out some more after we got back to his place.  we heard everyone else trickle in but he really didn’t seem to care.  he kept trying to get me to go into the bedroom (we were on the porch) but i wasn’t really up for that.  he was a cool guy but i was actually waiting for the guy i was already casually sleeping with to call.  and he finally did.  that’s when i took off. 

i thought that was it.  until the next day.  when i started hearing about what a “whore” i was.  umm, what??  i made out with a guy.  we were in our mid-twenties, since when isn’tthat okay??  come to find out the girl who’s birthday it was, well she used to date him.  a detail that did make me feel a little bad, but still not a huge deal, right?  OH NO.  then i found out that they were supposedly working on getting back together.  umm, okay.  still not seeing how this makes ME a Whore.  shouldn’t they all have been mad at HIM?  not only did HE kiss ME, but if he really wanted to get back together with her, he wouldn’t have made out with someon else, right?  but noooo.  they’re a group of girls so they decided i was the devil.  i even explained that i left to go be with the guy i actually wanted to fool around with.  and WTF, no one had ever said a word about them ever dating, more or less how they’re taking about dating again, so how was isupposed to know?!  obviously i’m still a little bent about this.  it was tough.  i was still fairly new to the area and didn’t need malicious things said about me.  suddenly none of the guys that knew those girls would talk to me.  i guess i’d been black-balled or something.  even the guy who caused all this trouble decided he couldn’t be friends with me either.  he never defended me to those girls and they never got upset with HIM!  and because more people knew them than me everyone believed them. 

to this day whenever i see any of them, or the people that i know are friends with them, i still feel like they’re saying stuff.  it’s been 4 years or more by now.  but yet when i went to lunch with a friend the other day and one of the girls walked in i still got that feeling. that flushed, embarrassed, scared, feeling.  she said hi to my friend who still works there with her.  and she sat right near us.  at one point the girl she was with looked toward out table and then they kept talking and giggling.  in my head i imagined that point of their conversation went something like this:
friend of bitches: see that girl over there? 
her lunch guest: yes.  who is she?
friend of bitches: that’s the whore who kissed ___’s boyfriend! 
her lunch guest: oh my god!  she’s such a tramp.  and she thought she could pull off bangs?!
both: muwahahaha

i know that this just comes down to me.  i’ve got insecurities (and some vanity).  and they’re never stronger than when i feel that girls are ganging up on me, attacking me, or just not fond of me.  they actually only come out at these times.  guys have no idea that i revert to being 11 years old around girls and how vulnerable i am.  but seriously, i got this bad rap for Nothing.  and i feel like i’ll never shake it as long as i live here.  i imagine that even when i’m in my 40’s walking around with my husband and pre-teen children i’ll still think that all the girls who walk by me are talking to each other about what a whore i am.  because what else could they possibly be saying??

holy insecurities

  

  

~ today i learned… the fear of getting wrinkles is rhytidophobia ~

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4 Comments »

  1. Girls are bitches, that is all there is to it. I can’t say in my life time, I haven’t been a bitch. It wasn’t your fault because you didn’t know they dated or were trying to get back together. If anything, she should be thanking you for showing her what DB that guy was. :)

    Comment by penelope — June 16, 2008 @ 10:29 am

  2. you don’t need any of their high school bullshit. you’re awesome and so totally not a whore…and hey you have all of us who will tell you you’re awesome and that you’re not a whore :)

    Comment by littlespoon — June 16, 2008 @ 11:26 am

  3. I’m glad I’m not a woman.

    Comment by apollocreed — June 16, 2008 @ 11:45 am

  4. I really hate it that, no matter the situation, girls always blame other girls. It’s so stupid. SO not a whore. Not by any stretch! And, I can personally attest that your bangs are ADORABLE. Take that, caddy wenches. They’re just jealous, somewhere in their warped, guy-centered brains. Sad.

    Comment by magda — June 16, 2008 @ 10:09 pm


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