it’s always like this

May 27, 2008

over dinner

Filed under: good times, step by step, the love boat — notsojenny @ 11:13 am

our trip to Ocean City was good.  for the most part.  but i did what i always do… or what i do lately anyway. 

when i woke up saturday morning i just laid there, staring, trying to sort out my feelings.  you see i’d just woken out of a dream where M had proposed to me.  this had never happened before.  as much as i’ve daydreamed about it, i’ve never actually had a real-sleeping-vivid-feels-so-real-like-it’s-not-a-dream-kinda-dream.  and yet in the dream i couldn’t even be happy for the event.  i was ecstatic for a moment, until i looked at the ring.  i was upset because it wasn’t anything like what i wanted (on top of the fact that the diamond was bent… wtf?).  and i actually (in the dream still, stay with me) pouted to M because i’ve picked out so many rings and this just wasn’t my style.  in his defense he did quickly remedy the situation by calling over the people that were waiting in the wings just in case.  so anyway, when i woke up i ran through a circuit of emotions as i tried to come to terms with starting the day.  at first i was upset because i was awake now and in this life i was not engaged.  then i started to become nervous because if i couldn’t be happy about being engaged in my own dream, is it really what i want?  as i moved past that feeling i started to get excited.  like i said, i’ve never had this dream.  so it had to mean something, right?   i thought back and M had made some comments about things before this trip and i put it all together in my head.  i just had a feeling that this it.  this was the day.  so i got up and got ready for the beach, bringing make-up because you never know when you’re going to need to look nice (maybe for some pictures of the happy couple?).

we went about our day.  enjoying the beach.  the boardwalk.  pina coladas at the pool bar.  a (bad for me) round of putt-putt.  and me reading into every movement he made.  why go on this ride first, was he trying to set a moment up?  did he have something in mind?  as the day passed i kept reworking it in my head.  how he was going to do it now that we’d passed that last moment where he could have squeezed it in?  we finally went back to the hotel to take a nap before the evening.  when we woke up he suggested going to a nice dinner at a nice restaurant.  i got very excited.  this had to be it, why else would he want to dress up?  so i put myself together nicely.  at one point he ran out to the car and came back to tell me he’d received some recommendations from the guy at the front desk.  in my head i could hear him asking the guy “i’m looking for a really romantic place to pop the question, any suggestions?”.  he came back with the recommendation of the bar next door.  i knew it was more of a beach bar but said “whatever you want to do” anyway.  once we parked i began to get sad.  the reality that he really wasn’t trying to set anything up at all began to sink in.  he just wanted to have dinner.  as we waited and grabbed drinks at the bar i saw tables out on the sand where you could be seated.  i started to gather up my hope and just hold on for a bit.  with the sun setting over the bay in about 30 minutes, sitting out there would be absolutely gorgeous.  as i sipped my drink i looked at him and i felt my heart begin sinking.  just looking at him i knew i was wrong.   he wasn’t planning anything.  as they seated us at an “on beach” table i just stared and read his face.  it wasn’t going to happen… and i knew it.  i’d been setting myself up all day for the disappointment.  and just then, as i was choking back the hurt i’d caused myself, the entire restaurant applauded and cheered.  i looked up to see the couple, all of 21, who’d just gotten engaged right then.  i burst into tears.  i was sobbing.  i couldn’t control it.  i’ve been looking forward to this moment for over 2 years and for whatever reason i really thought it was going to be then.  i have no good reason why other than i had a dream.  and to watch someone else get what i just realized i wasn’t getting was awful.  it was painful even.  i sucked it up after a while and we went back to the hotel.  after we turned the lights out i cried some more.  it was a very hard day for me.  i’ve never felt that close to happiness and so far away all within an instant.  i never want to feel that again.

and while i think M is worth waiting for i just worry whether i can do it.  i don’t want to go through that again.  but i want to keep my hopes up.  because if i give up on us ever wanting the same thing, then why would i still want to be in the relationship?  i’m just trying to hold out.  when i really stop and think rationally about it, like on my drive in to work this morning, i am willing to wait much longer than i’ve implied.  and the odds are i will.  but i’m a girl, so i’m not always rational.  and when i get into those thoughts, those feelings, i get so upset and just want to pull the plug already because i don’t like the feelings that come with the let down.  so for now i’ll keep waiting and he’ll keep procrastinating.  it’s our thing.

without the shadow of that one day the trip was good.  we had fun.  i’m tan(ner) and i have a bucket of fisher’s caramel corn sitting next to me which makes any day good.  and i got to see my family.  something i don’t get to do but every year or so when there’s a funeral to attend.  i got to visit my dad, which was helpful.  and M had “the best crabcakes ever” which made me happy.  we also went on this ride called the zipper.  i was hesitant because it looked dull and i think i’ve seen it at carnivals before so how much fun could it be?  well, it was AWESOME!  if you run into this ride at your local carnival i highly recommend it.  i laughed and screamed the entire time… it was a blast! 

did anyone else have a tumultuous holiday weekend?



~ today i learned… John Lennon had a cat named Elvis~



  1. I know that had to be hard for you, but I am glad you got through it.

    Sounds like a nice weekend.

    Comment by penelope — May 27, 2008 @ 11:45 am

  2. Mine was pretty tumultuous, too, but I’ve been through exactly what you went through, and I know how heartbreaking it is. Sending hugs and whatever else you need!

    Comment by La — May 27, 2008 @ 3:18 pm

  3. I understand what you’re saying here SO WELL. So well. I have a lot of probably selfish feelings about my someday engagement. Namely, I want it. I want it now. I’ve never faced a moment where I though J would ask, but I can imagine my reaction, and it would go almost exactly like yours. I have a problem with setting myself up with high expectations; I do this seriously all the time in my relationship. I come over, and think it’s going to be special; I plan a day in my head that’s amazing and, when it’s not, I get gloomy and sad and J can’t figure it out. He hasn’t really done anything wrong–he just didn’t have my script of the way things should have gone.

    AND, on dreams. I had my first getting-engaged-to-J about a month ago. I drafted a post on it, but scrapped it. It was a really depressing dream. He proposed, and I was surprised, but I said yes; the ring was gorgeous, but I just didn’t feel it. Later on, we had a huge fight, by the side of the road, in the rain (weird details in dreams, yeah?) Under a big golf umbrella, standing in the headlight beams of my car, I gave the ring back. My words: “This isn’t for us. Not now.” So. Freaking. Scary to wake up to. Oh, but there was more. In what was maybe the same dream, or maybe another one that night, there were two spiders in my kitchen. I kept trying to get them to crawl into a juice glass, so I could take them outside … but they wouldn’t both get in together. When one went in, the other went out. So I killed them.

    I’m still not sure I’m over that, but as this is possibly the Longest Comment of All Time, I’ll leave you with this: Don’t get too shattered over dreams. They’re our hopes and our fears projected, and while they’re hard to overcome, at the end of the day, the power’s still with us. Good luck, and hang in there!

    Comment by magda — May 28, 2008 @ 11:52 pm

  4. The zipper is a puke machine for me! My kids would love it though… I can picture the zipper on the boardwalk in my head even though it’s been like 201 years since I’ve been to OC. Your dinner engagement story sounds like one that I experienced… I just thought for sure it was going to happen one day but it didn’t. Not fun.

    Comment by Kerry — May 30, 2008 @ 10:04 am

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