so i went to my lady doctor the other week and we discussed my options.

first, i had to have my picture taken.  you heard me, they took a picture (of my face, thank you) to put on file.  is there a big problem with people stealing other’s identities and getting papsmears for them?  is it like sending someone else to take your finals?  i don’t get it, i just wish they’d told me before i left my house with NO makeup on and hadn’t brushed my hair since i woke up.  that’s awesome.

so then i waited my 20 minutes in the waiting room because i was on time so naturally i should be punished.  then they weighed me, marveled at the weight difference from what was on my chart a year ago and stuffed me into a room to get nekkid.  i always find it kind of insulting that they think you won’t realize you’ve been waiting almost an hour for a 90second appointment if they move you around to enough areas of the office.  when my doc finally came in the room she gave me the somewhat patronizing “wow,  you look great!”.  um, yah, you probably see 20 people a day and you see me once a year.  you have no clue what i’ve ever looked like and you don’t fool me.  so we finally got past the niceities and got down to business.

i’m sick of spotting for 2 weeks, i’m sick of the mood swings, and i’m VERY sick of the sun’stache.  i need a new method!  she also pointed out that the reason i’ve put on all this weight in the last year is probably beacuse of the pill i’ve been on… how did i never think of that?  so we went through the pill-less options.  and they’re not for me.  i’ve given thought to the IUD but an obgyn friend said she didn’t recommend them.  when i mentioned this to my doc she said “yah well sometimes when they’re inserted they get pushed through the uterus which obviously causes problems.  but that doesn’t happen that often.”  uhh… come again?!?  THROUGH my uterus?!?  no thank you.  and the nuvaring… sounds great, except it comes out with ”one swipe of the finger” and all i could think is, mine or his?? (tmi i know)

so she had a new pill and i said that i’d give it a shot, it’s either that or stay on the one i’m on.  she said that the estrogen & progesterone in this are different than loestrin so i shouldn’t get the same side effects.  here’s to hoping the ones it does cause aren’t worse.  so she wrote me a prescription and handed me some samples.  as soon as i got home i decided to google them to see what people were saying about them.  that’s when i noticed it.  right there on the box.

chewable.

no lie.  chewable birth control!  WTF?!  who are they marketing these to?  i can’t help but think of Joe the Camel.  my goodness.  i’m sorry but if you can’t swallow a pill that’s the size of an apple seed maybe sex isn’t something you’re ready to be involved in.  oh yah, and they’re spearmint flavored.

what will they think of next?!

oh, and the name?  femcon.  as M said, how creative.  i’ll be starting them in about 2wks so i’ll be sure to update you in a few months because i know you’re all very curious about my female issues and birth control habits.

~ today i learned… the bull frog is the only reptile that doesn’t sleep ~

it’s not just you.  i’m sick of my mood swings too.  sometimes i think i won’t bitch about it anymore, but then i remember that that’s why i started this.  i had a bad day on friday.  i had a good long heaving crying session in the shower.  i haven’t doubted him/us in a long time and it was hard.  but the minute i saw him i knew how i felt.  i couldn’t figure out why i doubted it at all.

i started a million posts this weekend.  unfortunately they were all in my head and as soon as i got to my computer i forget each and every one.

so here’s a good ‘ol fallback style list…

• DSW is good… or bad.  i returned a pair of shoes i bought online at the local store.  they told me how much money i was getting back on my card and i started to argue with the girl at the counter.  she just didn’t get it so she called over a manager.  i kept trying to tell them i had used a coupon when i purchased the shoes so i didn’t pay that much for them.  they insisted that they had to give me back the full price… there was no way to override it in the system.  whatever.  i made $6 in that return but now i feel perpetually guilty.
• M has agreed to check out locations and start the planning.  ring or no ring.  we’re getting this show on the road.
• i contemplated many career changes and even going back to school this weekend.  we thought of many businesses that we should be starting.  we have yet to move forward on any of these things.
• i discovered that UPop is back on the air!  but was it really necessary for Avril Lavigne to cover The Scientist??  i’m not even a coldplay fan and found this totally absurd
• i’ve come to terms with my fleeting fascinations.  i get involved in something and then decide “this is what i’m meant to do!  i’m going to do THIS for the rest of my life!”  uhh… yah, until i start doing something else next month and come to the same conclusion.
• i’ve alway known that Cheesecake Factory served a great chicken salad sammy, then i found out they had a mean strawberry shortcake and now i know they have an awesome guacamole!  who would have thunk it?  now if only there wasn’t an hour wait any time any day
• i have 2 apples at M’s and i’m kicking myself for forgetting them.  oh how i could go for one right now.
• i’m waiting for my sister to send me pictures from the trip so i can do my post about wedding dresses… yay!

hope everyone had a good weekend!

  ~ today i learned… an average yawn is six seconds long. ~

i don’t deny that i’m a crier on any given day.  it never takes much. 

so yesterday when my sister called and i hung up with her i started crying while talking to M.  she didn’t say anything mean or anything to hurt me, she just called because she was excited.  she went out and spent a ton of money to have her hair done.  it’s apparently completely different from what it usually is, which really doesn’t matter to this post.  because the fact that it’s straight with different highlights didn’t upset me. i had figured she ran low on my birthday gift because things are getting tight in their household… but i guess not.  and it was just enough to set me over the edge.

among all of the things i cried about (the gifts, the lack of interest in MY birthday, and my mom not offering to buy my wedding dress) we ended up where we always do.  we’re not engaged.  i go through this about once a month it seems.  i’m sure it’s mostly because of my female cycles, it makes sense.  but still, poor M deals with this monthly.  i was upset because i had to try on dresses without being engaged and it was a shitty feeling.  i was upset because the last time i cried and said i didn’t want an ETA i meant it, but here i was upset because it wasn’t happening by the ETA i set in my head.  the conversation went into deeper concerns from there.  i said i am starting to worry whether it’s ever going to happen.  and as soon as the words left my mouth i wasn’t sure if they were true.  i’m not sure that i do doubt it, but the logical part of me thinks i should.  i mean he’s been telling me for SO long that it’s going to happen, he’s set specific dates and missed them all, he’s repeatedly told me “SOON” and yet nothing.  so why do i believe so strongly that it will happen?  i mean with anything else in my life, if someone tells me they’ll do something and they don’t, i no longer trust them.  what good are you without your word?!  so why do i keep believing the overall story of “it’ll happen”?  is it because i know deep down it will?  or because i really want it to?

i woke up with my eyes still burning this morning and i still don’t know where i stand.  do i really think it may not happen?? i keep thinking in my head that i’ll get a sign.  that he’ll make plans to spend an entire day with me when he finally does it.  so i figured maybe it IS this weekend.  i mean a couple of weeks ago he said he was a few days away, so why not?  but we have a game tomorrow.  so i figured sunday, yah, sunday.  then he told me he has a tee-time.  and next weekend is my birthday and he knows not to mesh the two.  so are we looking at Hallo-freakin-ween?!?!  seriously?!  i know there’s no more excitement in it… no more romance… absolutely NO surprise… but there’s anticipation.  oh god is there anticipation!

i just want to know that i can believe him… that i’m not THIS wrong about anything.

~ today i learned… a leech has 32 brains ~

good: road trips with M… i love being able to split the driving and actually take a nap late at night before it’s my shift

bad: when i wake up from said nap to find we’re 30 minutes past our exit

shitty: when my tired and cranky self blows up and tells him PULL OVER!  I’m driving!

good: the weather holding out so we could go to Six Flags NE… and the fact that no one was there so we never had to wait in any lines… roller coasters over and over and over (i love those days!)

bad:the rest of the days were mainly rainy so i did not get to go to the apple harvest festival OR durham fair.  boo!

good: i did still get some fried dough at SF though

good:going dress shopping with my mom, sister, S, and my nieces.  i may have found a dress… at least i’ve narrowed it to 2 anyway.

bad:not buying the one that’s half the price of my other choice because i’m not engaged and still can’t bring myself to put that kinda money down yet

good:getting my mother’s veil & headpiece which i’d already said i wanted.  even better was the dress my grandmother wore to my mom’s wedding which doesn’t fit my mom… i think i’m going to wear it as my going away dress at the end of the reception.

shitty: i really thought he was going to propose over this trip.  i was a little bummed about it yesterday

good:M did spend alot of time with my family and friends, even without me.  which i love. 

good:  watching NKOTB perform after drinks and dinner with my girls at the casino.  it was as great as i’d hoped… if i can ever learn how to upload video i’ll put some up.

bad: no time to actually sit down at a blackjack table and win some money (or go broke)

super shitty: not getting to do our meet & greet with the fab 5 because M and S’s husband totally botched our day by being over 30 minutes late with our cars… we’re both pissed… really pissed

bad: i can’t even talk about how upset i am that i missed that opportunity because M already feels awful and i don’t want to make him feel worse

good:M did pick me up some macintosh apples while i was at the concert (nothing says autumn like a crisp macintosh!)

good: getting my birthday gifts from S and my sister on this trip

bad:it appears that my mom didn’t even think about my birthday yet… umm, it’s about a week away.  feelin’ the love.

shitty:my sister gave me my birthday gifts at breakfast yesterday and they were obviously last minute things she bought on tuesday.  and apparently i’m no longer getting a gift from her and my bro-in-law and another from just the girls.  now it’s all one gift.  and i know it’s bratty and selfish and material but it upset me.  we usually do big gifts, especially for birthdays.  what i got from her entire family was less than $40… i just wish i’d known before i spent over $80 on my niece and about $50 on my bro-in-law which i brought up for this trip, i’m not rich and i would have loved to save some money.  we’ve talked in the past about spending less but said we’d decide some day in the future… i guess she decided and didn’t tell me.  i’m a little upset about it.

shitty:we talked about doing a birthday celebration to celebrate for my BIL, my niece, and me all at once.  but we didn’t.  it seemed like no one had any interest in celebrating my birthday at all on this trip.  either that or no one even thought about it.  birthdays are very important to me, and it really hurt my feelings that no one seems to care that they can’t spend my birthday with me and i was up there and hoped to celebrate early.  i guess everyone has finally settled into life without me… and it blows.  it’s been a big deal every year until now.   i don’t care if i’m acting like a spoiled brat either.

good: being home and getting ready to have an apple at lunch

~ today i learned… Mr. Rogers is an ordainder minister ~

• has anyone else ever been in such denial about their size that their generic spanx exploded?  okay, so it didn’t break off into a million pieces when i inhaled but the seams definitely did rip when i went to take them off.  uggh… i guess i should just go in and get the large after all. 
• it finally happened to me!  i’ve been moved to the New facebook.  i’m blah about it.  yah it blows but i’ll figure it out eventually.  i just keep reminding myself that i detested fb entirely when i first joined it and came to love it so i’m sure hoping this will be the same. 
• the re-released Frankenberry, Count Chocula, and BOOberry for halloween this year!!  it’s so exciting.  i stocked up.  not sure about you guys but my stores never have these anymore, yet i look every time.  so when i saw them in a display i filled my cart!  i am bringing them on my trip too!
• i’m not really packed or anything and have to leave today.  i’ve got my packing list done except for my daily outfits.  i have a hard time packing for weather that can change any minute.  stupid rain. 
• what is appropriate to wear when you meet your teen idols?  no, not my man KC, but NKOTB.  and i WILL totally post a picture
• i’m going to cry if it rains the entire weekend and we can’t go to Six Flags.  i’ve been looking forward to it since i hatched the plan in June.  and we didn’t go to busch gardens at all because we’d be going in CT.  i may shed some tears over this… i’m bringing sneaks just in case!
• um, yah, caught a clip of super magician (read heavy with sarcasm) David Blaine’s finale and… ughh… how embarrassed was he!  love it.
• i think i may be the only girl i know who looks forward to her “annuals”.  i don’t know why i do… maybe it’s the reassurance i get knowing nothing is wrong down there, or maybe it’s because i like talking to my doc, i dunno but i’m excited for this afternoon.  i’m really hoping that the discussion to get me off this pill and onto something pill-less is successful.
• apparently i DO look good in trumpet dresses.  i fell in love with them last night.  the dress i had in my head?  not so hot on me, pretty blah actually.  i also broke the ONE rule i swore i’d stick to… don’t try on anything you can’t afford.  i’m officially smitten with jim hjelm.  too bad i’m poor.
• i can’t wait to see my nieces!! 
• i can’t wait to dole out gifts tomorrow morning and see whose got my birthday gifts ready to give me!
• i’m wearing wellies today and bringing them on my trip.  it’s the only positive i can find in these craptastic rain filled weekends.

have a great weekend everyone!  i’ll probably be back next thursday. 

~ todayyesterday i learned… the word “ort”.  it means a scrap or morsel, a bit leftover. ~

so i already wondered once whether i was being super selfish or not… and the concensus was that i was not being selfish with the things i wanted and/or i was rightfully selfish in those wants.

but now i’m really getting pissed.  i feel like everyone else is being so selfish that it’s going to force me to be selfish too… and i don’t want to be because i know it’s going to piss people off.

so i’m going home tomorrow and M is coming with me.  we’ve been planning this trip for a while, months even.  and my trips home always end up frantic and jam packed with little get togethersjust so i can spend some time with the people i love and miss.  it’s not at all enjoyable or the way i like to visit but it’s just how it is unless i take a shit load of time off to just hang out up there… which i don’t do because i can barely afford to take the limited time off.  anyway, there are certain people that always want to monopolize my time when i’m there, which i don’t blame them for… i’dwant to spend alotof time with me too. kidding, kidding, i really want to spend time with them too.  but with all of them having kids and such it’s becoming a huge pain in the ass.

as i previously stated i have an appointment scheduled to try on dresses with my mom, S, and my sister.  and i’m really looking forward to it… or i was.  S had originally said she’d be getting a sitter for her boys and that she’d be coming along.  however my sister is bringing the girls since they’re older and will be (mostly) well-behaved… plus they’ll love the idea of shops full of princess dresses!  so then my mom decided we should hit another store.  i agreed, though i put the cap on 2 large stores for the day… i’ll be cranky enough after just going to 1.  so then i told my sister, she sighed and said that the younger niece is going to get cranky by then and will be a handful.  umm, okay well then if you don’t think you can make it to the 2nd store, that’s fine but i’m still going with mom.  then i called S and she complained because she didn’t get a sitter and her hubby is watching the boys until he goes to work, so she can’t go to the 2nd appointment because she needs to go back and watch them.  okay, again, if you can’t make it to the 2nd, that’s cool.  but i’m still going.  i’m sick of everyone giving me their sorry speech about how they have kids and they can’t do it. 

i am in town for a couple of days!  i’m making a POINT to go dress shopping with you because you’re important to me, damnit!  i’m ditching my man and leaving him with NOTHING to do in a foreign town state for half a day to go dress shopping with you people!  i only have 1 free day when i can go to dress shops so don’t try to make me feel bad!  get a god damn babysitter!!  i take off of WORK when you people come to visit me… for as many days as you decide to be here!  i’m so sick of this bullshit about not being able to do things because you have kids!!  i understand that having kids changes things, i would never deny that.  but really?  you can’t get a f-in babysitter for 3 hours?!?  i’m tempted to offer to pay for one at this point.

and then we have plans on tuesday night to go to the concert.  yet again i’m ditching M basically from 3pm to the end of the night to go do this with the girls.  and no one is willing to help me entertain him.  i know it’s no one else’s problem but seriously people, when you bring your men to town M is the first to offer to take them out to do something.  he makes the plans and rearranges his schedule because we know it’s important to get to know the people who are close to those we love.  but this visit is bullshit.  sure, if we’re there on a weekend everyone’s husbands offer to take him a million places and i never get to see him during the trip, which i’m cool with because i’drather he spend the time getting to know those guys.  i’ll spend time with him when we’re back here.  but this time my sister offered to watch S’s kids while we’re at the concert so all 3 guys (M, brother in law, and S’s hubby) could go do something manly.  the guys were all gung-ho.  and now S has decided she’s not cool with it.  that she doesn’t want to saddle my sister with 4 kids under the age of 4 for a few hours.  she’s offering, yeesh!  and she’s been babysitting your kids for 2 years and suddenly you’re not cool with it?  whatever, i’m not a mom, i’m sure she has her reasons.  but she’s also not willing to get a babysitter instead so the guys can go do what they were planning.

it is making me IRATE!  i feel like everyone else is being SO FREAKIN SELFISH that it’s leaving me with 2 options
1) rearrange everything i was planning on and would like to do to meet everyone elses schedules 
or
2) be just as selfish to get what I want

it just makes me so angry because we’ve already changed plans so that other people could hang out with people that live down the street from them (because heaven forbid they miss ONE weekly lunch when i’m in town which happens, oh i dunno, 2-3 times a YEAR!).  and i’m getting sighs when asked if we’ll get getting together a couple of times or not with certain people.  WTF?!?  there are people i don’t have time to get together with AT ALL and you want to schedule a THIRD meet-up for this trip?!?  stop being so damn selfish people!!  you can all go screw yourselves as far as i’mconcerned (today).  if i were coming up to specifically visit you then you can demand more of my time, but i’m not.  and my sister has been down here 2x this year and makes a point to visit at least once a year, so you know what?  she gets priority.  because she makes me a priority.  i’m sorry if having kids has left people broke, i get that.  but if you can’t make an effort to visit me in 3 years then don’t try to use MY trip up there as YOUR time to see me.  GRRR!!

sorry… i really needed to vent and M’s already heard it all

~ today i learned… It is estimated that 15% of people chew on their toenails ~