got change?

you know that stagnant feeling?  that feeling where you can’t really identify what’s wrong, but you just want it to change?

when a girl is tired of her hairstyle she’ll dye it from her dark brown color to platinum blonde or maybe from a sunny color to a deep red.  or worse she’ll decide to chop off her shoulder blade length locks in a fit of desire.  it always seems like a good idea at the time.  i mean when you just want something new, anything will do, right?  not always.  making hasty decision can often seem like a good idea for a little while but in the long run you realize that your hair looked good before, and you just wanted something different and you would have been happy with a few layers or angles but now you have to wait for the color to come out or for it to grow back before you’re happy with it again.

so many times i’ve tossed something and said “i’ll get a new one” only to later wish i had my original back.  i’ll change the flavor of gum i’m carrying around just to change it up, but i love the raspberry mint flavor, it’s just that after a few packs i feel like i need something different.  each time i put the orange flavor piece in my mouth i wish i’d bought my favorite raspberry mint.

sometimes people are so desperate for change that they’ll force it hastily.  in today’s world we’re spoiled.  there are endless options.  too many to ever enjoy.  so sometimes we decide to make changes just because we can.  or maybe it’s because we feel like it’s what’s expected, it’s the “next step”.  unfortunately we often look for change without thinking about the long run effect.  what’s worked for us in the past?  is it broken?  if not, why would you try to fix it?  is this new change going to make us happy in a couple of weeks?  in a couple of years?  or are we just going to wish we could take back the change we made, and keep things running the way they were before?

i know i’ve made alot of changes i wish i could take back but it doesn’t work that way.  once you make that change you’re stuck with it, at least until the next opportunity for change comes around.  so next time you feel the need to make a change make sure you really know what you’re doing.  are you changing because it’s the right thing for you?  or are you changing for the sake of change?  because you’re bored.  often it’s tough to tell the difference.

  

  

~ today i learned… a slug has 4 noses ~

what a day

so yesterday was … interesting.

it was one of those days that just leaves you feeling conflicted.  as soon as you start to get bummed you begin to smile.  it was just like that.

you see M spent part of the day at a memorial service.  not a completely bizarre event, because that’s life.  but the service was for his former associate.  a guy who worked under him for the last, i dunno let’s say 5+ years.  a guy who was only a couple years past 30.  a guy who was way too young to go.  a guy who left behind a wife and 3 kids.  a young wife and 3 youngkids.  a guy who i was told was given a week or two to live only 24hrs before i was told he passed away.  i didn’t go to the service.  not because i didn’t want to, because i did.  i’d met him a couple of times, we worked on passing projects together but i just didn’t know him the way M did.  and while i normally would pay my respects by attending, M was going with his former team.  i told him that if he wanted to go with just them then it would be fine with me.  that was a lie.  i really hate knowing that i didn’t get a last chance to show his family how many people actually cared about him.  while there were plenty of people there, and i’m sure i was not missed, it still bothers me for selfish reasons.  and even more selfishly i was upset because i know that some of the wives went.  and part of me feels like if i were a “wife” M would have maybe wanted me to be there.  i dunno.  we have a bad history when it comes to funerals so i still don’t really know what to make of it.  i mean when i go i like to have someone there to comfort me, especially if they knew the person to.  it’s something about the services.  there’s always a moment when you just appreciate how short and precious life is, and i like being able to hold someone’s hand at that moment, to turn to them and be able to force a smile.  because at that moment it’s nice to know that you’re not alone, that you’re loved.  but i think M approaches these differently.  he doesn’t get visibly upset, i know alot of guys don’t.  so maybe it’s part of that macho “i can do this on my own” feeling, or maybe it’s a “i don’t want you to see me like this” feeling.  either way, i know my feelings about this are selfish.  but it still doesn’t wash away the sadness i feel for this man and his family and best friends.

so while M and i are passing messages about his sad day i was also getting messages from S.  her 2nd little boy was born the same day and i’m proud to report he’s happy and healthy.  the birth of a new baby always makes me cry, i’m just like that.  it’s something about the awesomeness of life that just blows me away.  how amazing certain things are and what a difference they make.  but each time she sent me a picture or we talked for a few minutes i was full smiles, over the tears anyway.  and then when the next message from M would come in those smiles would wash away.

it was just one of those Circle of LIfe days, where it all becomes so clear.  we lose someone, we gain someone.  there’s no getting around it.  life’s short.  and you never know exactly how short yours will be.  that’s such a crazy feeling.

30 x 30

everyone’s got a list.  essentially the 30 things to do by the time you’re 30. i like the idea of this.  and if i’d thought of it a few years ago i would have done it.  i’m too close to 30 now to even think about getting 30 things done.  but i do have a list.

mine started out when i was getting my life in order.  that’s when realized that not only was i not getting any younger but instead i was rapidly aging.  it also helped that the book that changed my financial position in life, smart women finish rich (highly, highly recommend to anyone who’s ever been in debt or tends to live paycheck to paycheck… it’s phenomenal!) suggested putting your goals down on paper too.  while my list was not financially based, in order to do anything in life you kinda need money to do it.

i was going to make a list of “10 things to do in the next 10 years” but instead i just made a 10 year list.  just things to complete in 10 years period.  i was hesitant to define how many things it needed to be because i didn’t want to be locked in to a single number.  plus i wanted to be able to add goals to it as i pleased.  and i have.  right now my list is more than 10 things/goals.  and i’m happy to say that with 6 years left i’ve already crossed off a few things.  and i’m hoping to cross off another one soon.  of course there are some things on here that are personal and i will not share, but i am starting to struggle with my commitment to a few of the other items.

for example:

• play 18 holes under 100 - taking golf lessons was my first step toward meeting this goal.  it was moving along well until i kinda went on a couple of dates with my instructor.  once i told him it really wasn’t gonna work for us i kinda had to stop taking lessons.  i’m not down with the awkward moments.  and since i started my job last year i haven’t picked up a club.  in fact they’re way in the back of my closet.  i keep dropping guilt trips on M about not taking me.  afterall the reason i even became interested in golf was to spend more time with him when we were just friends. 
• learn to sail - i still really want to do this.  and even though all sailing classes are at least an hour away, there are a couple of places where you can complete a course in consecutive weekends.  my problem with this?  money.  the cost of a class is a little more than i’m paying for invisalign a month.  so it’s really just not going to happen right now.  but it does shoe promise for next year.  once i’m not making these monthly payments on my teeth anymore i should be able to reallocate that money.
• take piano lessons - again, money is a hindrance here.  does anyone know how Not Cheap piano lessons are?   i really haven’t put much effort into this one.   it’s really low on the list.  but i would love to know how to play something more than the java jive someday.  this is something i’d like to start my kids on early.  i think my desire to learn stems from having a piano growing up and listening to my mom play but never knowing how to do so myself.  and i was reluctant to learn whenever the offer was extended.  some things never change.
• see Paris - the city.  there are many places that i want to go and spend time more than paris, but i feel like actually seeing paris, even for 10 minutes, is an essential part of life.  i want to swing through paris on my way to the french riviera, that’s the plan.
• learn another language - i’m still working on this one.  i’ve been learning japanese since M and i started dating.  admittedly i’ve slacked on it this year, but i really want to get back on it.  and while i can say basic things i’m not crossing this off my list until i feel comfortable with the language.  i don’t know how to define that, i just think i’ll know it when i get there.  either that or i’ll cross it off just to feel accomplished one day : )

there’s a few more on the list that i have yet to accomplish.  and while time is only getting shorter, i’d still like to add more.  i’ve already crossed these ones off…

• visit Miss Chris - this is my west coast grandmother who i never get to see anymore.  the few times i’d seen her when i wrote this were when she’d come out to visit us.  i wanted to go see her.  i was on a business trip out there last year so i decided to fly my mom out with me.  we spent a few days visiting all the places we used to go to when we lived there and visiting miss chris too.  it was a great trip that i’m so glad i got to do.  i wouldn’t trade it for anything.
• buy a new car - when i put this one on i stil had my cabrio.  i loved the crap out of that car.  but at the time it was 10 years old and i’d paid it off and was just waiting for it to die.  there are still days when i miss that car, but i love my car now so much more!
• go horseback riding - on a couple of business trips out west i decided to get this crossed off.  my goal was to be able to ride without a guide and ride on a horse that knows how to do more than walk.

like i said before, there are also some personal goals on here that i will not share.  but i think i’ve done a good job with those also.

i don’t think i’ve put anything on my list that’s completely unrealistic.  they’re things that could be accomplished.  i just need to want them enough.  enough to save up the money anyway.  basically i need to put down the dress/shoes/handbag/whatever and think about these goals instead.  as you can tell i have a hard time doing that because i tend to think “i want this now.  and it’s only $15.  that’s notgonna break me.” but all of those $15 purchases add up, fast.  i’m already learning how hard it is while i’m (trying to)  not spending any money because of my invisalign.

am i one of the few people who sets goals like this?  are there things you think people should do/see/accomplish in their lifetime?  what kind of goals do you guys have?  i’m looking for more.

  

  

~ today i learned… orangutans warn people to stay out of their territory by belching ~

not beneficial

when i went to the dentist to talk about invisalign i needed to make some changes to my info on file.  i’d changed jobs since i was there last so i had new dental insurance.  i handed the girl at the desk my card from when she proceeded to call them and sit on hold for a good 30 minutes.  when she finally hung up she came out and looked at me quizically.  she asked “did you know you have NO ortho coverage?”, she appeared to be very confused by the whole thing.  while i hadn’t actually known that, i wasn’t exactly surprised.  you see my company pays for my dental.  there is no other option.  at least with medical we got to pick options on what type of plan we want to participate in and pay for.  since they pay for the dental i had no say.  all i got was a card with my name, written in pen, on it.  so no, i wasn’t shocked.  i was a little disappointed, but that’s apparently my company’s m.o.

so then i decided to make my monthly payments for invisalign through flex spend.  this is such a better way to do tihngs like this because you save so much money with it being tax free.  most companies have an open enrollment period when you can opt into any of these benefits.  i was hoping i hadn’t missed mine, and if i did i was hoping that playing dumb to the HR dept. would allow me to still get in on it.  when i contacted them i was told that we have no flex spend accounts.  what?  seriously?  no flex spend?  i’ve never heard of that.  yes, the company i work for started very small but we’ve been bought by a HUGE corporation.  wtf?  no ortho and no flex spend?  nice.

it’s not over yet.  i found out the otherday that one of the girls i work with is preggers.  (i am so giddy!!  i’m so excited to buy a ton of baby hokie stuff!!)  when she told me about it she was pissed.  she found out that our company maternity policy is this - 12wks.  unpaid.  um, what??  that’s not a maternity policy; it’s an unpaid vacation.  wtf?!  this place has got some serious issues. 

and while maternity does not apply to me at this point in my life, it’s something that made me seriously stop and think.  it’s no secret (especially to M) that i want to start a family in the upcoming years.  and while i did give it a passing thought that working this job, where i have the ability to work from home, would be perfect when i have a baby.  but now, knowing that i wouldn’t get maternity leave makes me seriously think that i’ll need to be working somewhere else when i have a baby.  it’s sad because it makes me feel like i’m becoming too old and responsible since i have to consider things like this.  it’s like when everyone buys a house and they consider what school zone it’s in.  i’ve always scoffed at that because i felt like it didn’t matter until you had a kid.  now i know.   and i’m just glad i’ve got some time to find another job before it’s too late. (this doesn’t seem to affect the fact that i’ve sent out a few resumes and have yet to hear any responses).

 

  

  

~ today i learned… in every episode f Seinfeld there is a Superman somwehere ~

maybe i’m amazed

it’s amazing…

• how one day you feel totally normal and then suddenly things are all wrong and you have no idea which way is up or if that’s even the direction you’re supposed to be heading
• that time can change so many things.  whether it’s minutes and hours or months and years.  from healing wounds to making you question everything you’ve ever know about a person or yourself
• that right when you feel like you need a break, and you happen to have a trip planned, you think it’s perfect timing.  and it’s just the getaway you need to sort things out
• how during that getaway all you end up doing is ignoring the problem and not taking advantage of the time, and listening hearts and ears, to really sort it out
• that when a three year old asks you “when are you getting married?” you have to choke back the tears to respond “why do you ask that?” and when the answer is “because i want to know when you’re going to have a baby” then suddenly the tears are even harder to hold
• how tiring it is to spend the day at the beach when you’re with toddlers… the most fun ever, but oh so exhausting
• how something as simple as stealing away from everyone and taking a few hours to shop at Marshall’s Homegoods (heaven) can bring you right back and suddenly you’re YOU again
• how time flies when you’re missing out on things you wish you weren’t and when you’re somewhere when you wish you were somewhere else
• that i often want to be somewhere i’m not… when i left i just wanted to get away from M for a while, clear my head, and now all i want is to be home with him
• how taking a pregnancy test, and getting the answer you knew all along, is more relaxing than a big frozen margarita on a deck bar on a gorgeous saturday afternoon with your girlfriends from 10years ago
• how talking to someone that you haven’t know that long (and possibly through blogging) can help you discuss things that you don’t even feel like talking about with your oldest friends.  it’s so wonderful to have a fresh perspective and someone who just gets it.
• how much easier it is to make lists than put together thoughts into a cohesive post

  

  

~ today i learned… that the Caville Blanc apple has the most vitamin C of all apple varieties. ~

the self-help life

maybe it’s becoming an adult and feeling like i need to take more responsibility for my well-being.  maybe it’s just because i make a whole lot more money than i thought i would so it makes me spend like crazy.  whatever the reason i’ve been really into investing in my body and my health and my lifestyle lately.  not in an i’m-not-going-to-eat-fried-things-anymore way but more in a i’m-going-to-put-money-towards-those-things-i’ve-always-wanted way.  over the past few years i’ve taken it upon myself to really fix myself up.

when it comes to my wellnes i’ve…

• had my wisdom teeth removed (all 4 - yow!)
• got an appointment next week get invisalign started (i’m really hoping i can use this method because the thought of getting old-school braces is not appealing to me at all but i really want to fix things.  my bottom teeth are crowded and it’s starting to skew my top)
• found my own dermatologist and i have a very expensive cream for my face so i have clear skin all the time now
• also got a very expensive cream to use on my body in the shower to keep the rest of my skin clear too
• medicines to take every single morning for my stomach (last year when my world was topsy turvy i developed some serious stomach issues)
• recently had some moles/skin-tags removed (i hate the term “skin-tag” it sounds so awful.  it makes me picture wicked old witches with large things hanging off their bodies, but i guess that’s the proper technical term if they can’t be cancerous)
• take one-a-day women’s vitamins and fish oil capsules (whenever i remember anyway)

i’ve also done some things which i feel are very responsible and way more adult than i was prepared to do 3 years ago -

• started pilates (and it’s freakin’ expensive, but totally worth it)
• recently replaced all the batteries in my smoke detectors (i said dayayanger to the smoke detector… i’m gonna have that song in my head all day now!)
• 2x a year i clean my ceiling fan blades and switch the direction of the spin to go with the weather (lift the hot air in the winter, push the cool air down in the summer)
• a couple of years ago i invested in a car that i thought was out of my price range but i’m so head over heals about it i’m glad i did it… and it fits into my budget now : )
• i also moved into an apartment without roommates that i thought i couldn’t afford… a KILLER apt!
• i only buy groceries as i need them… for the most part.  i do still tend to buy cake mix whenever it’s on sale because you never know when you’re just going to want some cake
• i have a tailor.  yes, she’s my  tailor.  we have a language barrier but i recommend her to everyone, she’s awesome!
• and i have a hair stylist and an estatician too.  i’ve been going to both of them for almost 5years now

as much as it pains me to spend money on all of these things, they’re things i really want.  and i feel so much better from day to day because of them.

   

  

~ today i learned… that we haven’t had a president with facial hair since Taft (includes mutton chops)~