cry baby

i don’t deny that i’m a crier on any given day.  it never takes much. 

so yesterday when my sister called and i hung up with her i started crying while talking to M.  she didn’t say anything mean or anything to hurt me, she just called because she was excited.  she went out and spent a ton of money to have her hair done.  it’s apparently completely different from what it usually is, which really doesn’t matter to this post.  because the fact that it’s straight with different highlights didn’t upset me. i had figured she ran low on my birthday gift because things are getting tight in their household… but i guess not.  and it was just enough to set me over the edge.

among all of the things i cried about (the gifts, the lack of interest in MY birthday, and my mom not offering to buy my wedding dress) we ended up where we always do.  we’re not engaged.  i go through this about once a month it seems.  i’m sure it’s mostly because of my female cycles, it makes sense.  but still, poor M deals with this monthly.  i was upset because i had to try on dresses without being engaged and it was a shitty feeling.  i was upset because the last time i cried and said i didn’t want an ETA i meant it, but here i was upset because it wasn’t happening by the ETA i set in my head.  the conversation went into deeper concerns from there.  i said i am starting to worry whether it’s ever going to happen.  and as soon as the words left my mouth i wasn’t sure if they were true.  i’m not sure that i do doubt it, but the logical part of me thinks i should.  i mean he’s been telling me for SO long that it’s going to happen, he’s set specific dates and missed them all, he’s repeatedly told me “SOON” and yet nothing.  so why do i believe so strongly that it will happen?  i mean with anything else in my life, if someone tells me they’ll do something and they don’t, i no longer trust them.  what good are you without your word?!  so why do i keep believing the overall story of “it’ll happen”?  is it because i know deep down it will?  or because i really want it to?

i woke up with my eyes still burning this morning and i still don’t know where i stand.  do i really think it may not happen?? i keep thinking in my head that i’ll get a sign.  that he’ll make plans to spend an entire day with me when he finally does it.  so i figured maybe it IS this weekend.  i mean a couple of weeks ago he said he was a few days away, so why not?  but we have a game tomorrow.  so i figured sunday, yah, sunday.  then he told me he has a tee-time.  and next weekend is my birthday and he knows not to mesh the two.  so are we looking at Hallo-freakin-ween?!?!  seriously?!  i know there’s no more excitement in it… no more romance… absolutely NO surprise… but there’s anticipation.  oh god is there anticipation!

i just want to know that i can believe him… that i’m not THIS wrong about anything.

  

  

~ today i learned… a leech has 32 brains ~

nuthin

nothing much to talk about.  i’ve got wedding on the brain.  i was really upset last night when i realized that i just missed 3 sample sales this month (one is actually ending tomorrow).  i really hope there are more in the next few months otherwise i’m going to end up with a dress i don’t want just because it’s in my budget.

anyway, other than that i’m driving M crazy trying to make him commit to plans for the end of the month.  there’s one specific weekend where there are more things to do than can possibly be done.  first, it’s the weekend i need to head to CT for the NKOTB concert (SO EXCITED!).  so i’ve been asking M if he’s coming with me or not because i need to start making plans with the friends i’d like to see.  because not only do i need to be able to tell people what day we can get together but i need to tell them whether it’ll be just girls or dates & mates too.  so all of these people are waiting on me.  and the closer that week gets the less open people’s schedules are which means that i probably won’t get to see everyone.  that drives me bonkers!!  i need to plan this shit and i hate people waiting on me.

this time it’s not just M being a procrastinator.  you see we’ve been waiting all year to take his nephews to Busch Gardens.  i’ve been bugging him every weekend about this because i’ve really wanted to go.  well his family finally made their plans to come down so we could take the boys but wouldn’t you know it, it’s that weekend where i need to go to CT.  so M is undecided on where he’ll be.  and another element came into play the other day also because he’s now going to help his aunt with something which may require travel and time off of work which means that will drive whether he’s taking time off to come to CT. 

my sister tries to calmly tell me that not everyone is a planner like us but it’s seriously making me go crazy.  i’m bugging him almost every day now.  i don’t like cutting things this close.  i don’t want people waiting on me to figure things out.  i don’t want them to turn down plans with others because i mightwant to get together that day.   ugghh… anyone got advice for pushing a procrastinator to make decisions??

  

  

~ today i learned… non-dairy creamer is flammable.~

bad decision

am i the only one who watched bachelorette last night?  i haven’t read a single post about it today

anyway, i was saddened by it.  granted i only caught the last 10 minutes but that was enough.  i knew she was down to jesse (the laid back snowboarder, i assume pothead, with a “quirky” sense of style), jason (the really sweet and endearing hot daddy with a 3yr old), jeremy (the obnoxious mildly eye pleasing  weenie), and graham (the super hot, ultra cool guy who’s guarded with his feelings).  i didn’t see the trips she took to meet their families but as she entered the room to begin the rose ceremony i started explaining the situation to M.  i told him how it was obvious that graham was going to be the last man standing because they seemed to fit well together.  and they were chasing each other.  to me there always needs to be a chase involved with real love (maybe it’s that feeling of earning it, i dunno).  i also announced that it was obvious that jesse was the one to get the boot during this episode.  it’s pretty obvious that there’s no physical chemistry there so why keep him around any longer?

then she did it.  she let graham go.  my jaw dropped.  i knew she was being foolish.  she wanted him to open up to her more so she let him go?  she reminds me alot of myself with this action.  as she sat out there and talked to him before he got into his limo she said what seemed pretty obvious - that he was the only one she thought she was falling in love with.  that’s when you could see how much he cared too.  and before he walked away he gave her a note.  a note he’d already written telling her how he feels.  a note to tell her the things he wanted to be just for her, not for me watching at home (although i would love to get a peak at what he wrote).  i could see the heartbreak.  i could feel it.  i’ve been there.  i think alot of people have been there.  when someone just isn’t where you want them to be when you want them to be.  (sounds alot like my relationship, huh?)  and as much as you think walking away will be better, part of you just wants it to knock some sense into the other person.  it’s a scare tactic to make them realize what they’re going to lose if they don’t figure their shit out quick.

anyway, i was more than bummed when she had him leave.  especially since she even stated that she came there to find love, and with only 2 ceremonies left she’s giving up the ONE person she was falling in love with??  does that make sense??  does that mean she’s going to end up with someone she’s lukewarm about?  i mean, as i said before, there’s no physical connection with her for jesse it’s painfully obvious.  i think she’s got too many reservations about hot (really hot) dad jason, it’s the whole “am i ready to have an instant family?” issue.  and jeremy, he’s kind of a twit and i think she sees that.  but beyond all that, it really made me think about my situation. 

i’m upset and hurt and angry and sad and disappointed… but i’m in love.  the issue of whether we’ll ever get married or not is the only thing that’s ever driven a wedge between us.  he’s my best friend.  i can be the biggest idiot i am around him and he loves me anyway.  i can put on drysol and come to bed with saran wrap under my arms and he’s still turned on.   he knows by my voice and eye contact if there’s something wrong.   he knows my past and loves who i am because of it.  this doesn’t mean that anything is changed or better, i still want what i want and him not being on the same page still upsets me, but i know that it’s worth waiting for.  i’m not ready to use the scare tactic (not yet anyway… )

so anyway, did anyone else watch this?  thoughts??

  

  

~ today i learned… that i am youtube-tarded and still don’t have a video up of my niece’s recital : (  ~

that’s the spirit

i walked out of the SATC movie feeling enlightened.  it’s the same feeling i get every so often when i realize i’ve been acting like a fool.  the feeling that shows me the error of my ways and i vow, in that moment, to be a better person from here on in.  it lasts anywhere from a week to a matter of hours.  in this instance it was about M.  i know that i often get strung up in the “we need to be married NOW!” thoughts.  they’re typically followed by thoughts about how marriage doesn’t change anything, it’s just a piece of paper.  which is typically followed by the realization that such a little piece of paper does actually mean alot when it comes to legally sharing a life together and not having that could really f things up at some point. 

so leaving the movie i was filled with the feeling that sometimes i focus so much on something like a proposal that i’m totally screwing up our relationship.  i’ve had this feeling before but it was especially strong that afternoon after having it drilled in by 4 of my favorite gals.  the second i got to M’s i gave him a huge hug and a kiss and told him i loved him.  it’s nothing i wouldn’t normally do but this had different feelings behind it.  it was more my way of saying “even though i sometimes focus on the wrong things, i can still see what i have.  and i wouldn’t change it for the world.”  and surprisingly enough, i think he got that.

i also realized that through most of my posts i probably come off like a engagement-crazed-monster.  i’m really not.  only M and S really know how important it is to me, and the reasons why.   i feel like my posts on the topic may sound like i am not happy with my relationship since i’m not engaged.  and while it sometimes gets me down that’s so far from the truth.  i’m happier than i’ve ever been.  and more in love than i’ve ever been with anyone.  i just wanted to clear that up. 

give me a few weeks/days… i’m sure i’ll be on my way to cycling back around to needing to be married again : )

  

  

~ today i learned… The Empire State Building displays color schemes to celebrate different holidays – the purple and white sequence is for Alzheimer’s Awareness purple teal and white is for National Osteoporosis Society ~

over dinner

our trip to Ocean City was good.  for the most part.  but i did what i always do… or what i do lately anyway. 

when i woke up saturday morning i just laid there, staring, trying to sort out my feelings.  you see i’d just woken out of a dream where M had proposed to me.  this had never happened before.  as much as i’ve daydreamed about it, i’ve never actually had a real-sleeping-vivid-feels-so-real-like-it’s-not-a-dream-kinda-dream.  and yet in the dream i couldn’t even be happy for the event.  i was ecstatic for a moment, until i looked at the ring.  i was upset because it wasn’t anything like what i wanted (on top of the fact that the diamond was bent… wtf?).  and i actually (in the dream still, stay with me) pouted to M because i’ve picked out so many rings and this just wasn’t my style.  in his defense he did quickly remedy the situation by calling over the people that were waiting in the wings just in case.  so anyway, when i woke up i ran through a circuit of emotions as i tried to come to terms with starting the day.  at first i was upset because i was awake now and in this life i was not engaged.  then i started to become nervous because if i couldn’t be happy about being engaged in my own dream, is it really what i want?  as i moved past that feeling i started to get excited.  like i said, i’ve never had this dream.  so it had to mean something, right?   i thought back and M had made some comments about things before this trip and i put it all together in my head.  i just had a feeling that this it.  this was the day.  so i got up and got ready for the beach, bringing make-up because you never know when you’re going to need to look nice (maybe for some pictures of the happy couple?).

we went about our day.  enjoying the beach.  the boardwalk.  pina coladas at the pool bar.  a (bad for me) round of putt-putt.  and me reading into every movement he made.  why go on this ride first, was he trying to set a moment up?  did he have something in mind?  as the day passed i kept reworking it in my head.  how he was going to do it now that we’d passed that last moment where he could have squeezed it in?  we finally went back to the hotel to take a nap before the evening.  when we woke up he suggested going to a nice dinner at a nice restaurant.  i got very excited.  this had to be it, why else would he want to dress up?  so i put myself together nicely.  at one point he ran out to the car and came back to tell me he’d received some recommendations from the guy at the front desk.  in my head i could hear him asking the guy “i’m looking for a really romantic place to pop the question, any suggestions?”.  he came back with the recommendation of the bar next door.  i knew it was more of a beach bar but said “whatever you want to do” anyway.  once we parked i began to get sad.  the reality that he really wasn’t trying to set anything up at all began to sink in.  he just wanted to have dinner.  as we waited and grabbed drinks at the bar i saw tables out on the sand where you could be seated.  i started to gather up my hope and just hold on for a bit.  with the sun setting over the bay in about 30 minutes, sitting out there would be absolutely gorgeous.  as i sipped my drink i looked at him and i felt my heart begin sinking.  just looking at him i knew i was wrong.   he wasn’t planning anything.  as they seated us at an “on beach” table i just stared and read his face.  it wasn’t going to happen… and i knew it.  i’d been setting myself up all day for the disappointment.  and just then, as i was choking back the hurt i’d caused myself, the entire restaurant applauded and cheered.  i looked up to see the couple, all of 21, who’d just gotten engaged right then.  i burst into tears.  i was sobbing.  i couldn’t control it.  i’ve been looking forward to this moment for over 2 years and for whatever reason i really thought it was going to be then.  i have no good reason why other than i had a dream.  and to watch someone else get what i just realized i wasn’t getting was awful.  it was painful even.  i sucked it up after a while and we went back to the hotel.  after we turned the lights out i cried some more.  it was a very hard day for me.  i’ve never felt that close to happiness and so far away all within an instant.  i never want to feel that again.

and while i think M is worth waiting for i just worry whether i can do it.  i don’t want to go through that again.  but i want to keep my hopes up.  because if i give up on us ever wanting the same thing, then why would i still want to be in the relationship?  i’m just trying to hold out.  when i really stop and think rationally about it, like on my drive in to work this morning, i am willing to wait much longer than i’ve implied.  and the odds are i will.  but i’m a girl, so i’m not always rational.  and when i get into those thoughts, those feelings, i get so upset and just want to pull the plug already because i don’t like the feelings that come with the let down.  so for now i’ll keep waiting and he’ll keep procrastinating.  it’s our thing.

without the shadow of that one day the trip was good.  we had fun.  i’m tan(ner) and i have a bucket of fisher’s caramel corn sitting next to me which makes any day good.  and i got to see my family.  something i don’t get to do but every year or so when there’s a funeral to attend.  i got to visit my dad, which was helpful.  and M had “the best crabcakes ever” which made me happy.  we also went on this ride called the zipper.  i was hesitant because it looked dull and i think i’ve seen it at carnivals before so how much fun could it be?  well, it was AWESOME!  if you run into this ride at your local carnival i highly recommend it.  i laughed and screamed the entire time… it was a blast! 

did anyone else have a tumultuous holiday weekend?

  

  

~ today i learned… John Lennon had a cat named Elvis~

sir snores alot

M snores.  like a machine. 

when we first started spending nights together i learned this the hard way.  it was dreadful.  i would spend each night staring up at the ceiling wishing it would stop.  praying, please make it stop! 

eventually i learned that after about an hour he’d stop.  that’s when i’d go to sleep.  it became the routine.  the lights go out, i start to fall asleep, he starts snoring, i stay awake until he stops, and then i sleep.  the next half of the routine was more frustrating.  i’d wake up in the middle of the night because he started snoring again.  and there i was, laying there waiting for him to stop once again.  for the most part once i’m asleep and am woken up before i’m ready, i’m not a happy camper.  S will testify to this.  no matter what the situation she still will not wake me up.  i think if the house was on fire she’d still have to give it some seroius thought.  and whenever someone else is told to wake me she’ll send them off with a chuckle and a “good luck!”

you know how sometimes you wake up but you’re still kind of asleep?  i remember one distinct night when i was sound asleep and i guess M started snoring.  i don’t remember exactly how it happened because before i was fully conscious i flipped over and used that momentum to swing my arm around and smack him in the chest.  i remember it so clearly from that point because as soon as my hand made impact on his chest i felt the force and i guess it made me really wake up.  in the same instant i realized what i’d just done and quickly flipped back to my other side to pretend i was asleep for the fear that he would be waking up and would surely be pissed that i just punched him in his sleep.  as i lay there holding my eyes closed trying to control my breathing i heard nothing.  no movement.  no complaining.  no snoring!  he didn’t wake up and he had no clue what i’d done later that morning when i asked “how did you sleep?”.  and this taught me that to make him stop snoring all i had to do was hit him.  but i’m a nice girlfriend so instead of renacting this another night the next time i was awakened by snoring i nudged/pushed him.  he stopped.  this is how the first year of sleeping in the same bed went.  i wasn’t sure i’d ever get a full night’s sleep again.

but i guess i got used to it.  because now?  i can’t fall asleep if he’s not snoring.  it’s like a lullaby.  i’m serious.  when our heads hit the pillows i just lay there.  the second he starts snoring i fall immediately asleep.  when i sleep alone?  i have a tough time falling asleep right away.  it’s crazy.  but i guess that’s love.  or insanity.  i haven’t figured it out yet.

 

  

~ today i learned… the medical term for tummy rumbling is “borborygmi” ~