the self-help life

maybe it’s becoming an adult and feeling like i need to take more responsibility for my well-being.  maybe it’s just because i make a whole lot more money than i thought i would so it makes me spend like crazy.  whatever the reason i’ve been really into investing in my body and my health and my lifestyle lately.  not in an i’m-not-going-to-eat-fried-things-anymore way but more in a i’m-going-to-put-money-towards-those-things-i’ve-always-wanted way.  over the past few years i’ve taken it upon myself to really fix myself up.

when it comes to my wellnes i’ve…

• had my wisdom teeth removed (all 4 - yow!)
• got an appointment next week get invisalign started (i’m really hoping i can use this method because the thought of getting old-school braces is not appealing to me at all but i really want to fix things.  my bottom teeth are crowded and it’s starting to skew my top)
• found my own dermatologist and i have a very expensive cream for my face so i have clear skin all the time now
• also got a very expensive cream to use on my body in the shower to keep the rest of my skin clear too
• medicines to take every single morning for my stomach (last year when my world was topsy turvy i developed some serious stomach issues)
• recently had some moles/skin-tags removed (i hate the term “skin-tag” it sounds so awful.  it makes me picture wicked old witches with large things hanging off their bodies, but i guess that’s the proper technical term if they can’t be cancerous)
• take one-a-day women’s vitamins and fish oil capsules (whenever i remember anyway)

i’ve also done some things which i feel are very responsible and way more adult than i was prepared to do 3 years ago -

• started pilates (and it’s freakin’ expensive, but totally worth it)
• recently replaced all the batteries in my smoke detectors (i said dayayanger to the smoke detector… i’m gonna have that song in my head all day now!)
• 2x a year i clean my ceiling fan blades and switch the direction of the spin to go with the weather (lift the hot air in the winter, push the cool air down in the summer)
• a couple of years ago i invested in a car that i thought was out of my price range but i’m so head over heals about it i’m glad i did it… and it fits into my budget now : )
• i also moved into an apartment without roommates that i thought i couldn’t afford… a KILLER apt!
• i only buy groceries as i need them… for the most part.  i do still tend to buy cake mix whenever it’s on sale because you never know when you’re just going to want some cake
• i have a tailor.  yes, she’s my  tailor.  we have a language barrier but i recommend her to everyone, she’s awesome!
• and i have a hair stylist and an estatician too.  i’ve been going to both of them for almost 5years now

as much as it pains me to spend money on all of these things, they’re things i really want.  and i feel so much better from day to day because of them.

   

  

~ today i learned… that we haven’t had a president with facial hair since Taft (includes mutton chops)~

over dinner

our trip to Ocean City was good.  for the most part.  but i did what i always do… or what i do lately anyway. 

when i woke up saturday morning i just laid there, staring, trying to sort out my feelings.  you see i’d just woken out of a dream where M had proposed to me.  this had never happened before.  as much as i’ve daydreamed about it, i’ve never actually had a real-sleeping-vivid-feels-so-real-like-it’s-not-a-dream-kinda-dream.  and yet in the dream i couldn’t even be happy for the event.  i was ecstatic for a moment, until i looked at the ring.  i was upset because it wasn’t anything like what i wanted (on top of the fact that the diamond was bent… wtf?).  and i actually (in the dream still, stay with me) pouted to M because i’ve picked out so many rings and this just wasn’t my style.  in his defense he did quickly remedy the situation by calling over the people that were waiting in the wings just in case.  so anyway, when i woke up i ran through a circuit of emotions as i tried to come to terms with starting the day.  at first i was upset because i was awake now and in this life i was not engaged.  then i started to become nervous because if i couldn’t be happy about being engaged in my own dream, is it really what i want?  as i moved past that feeling i started to get excited.  like i said, i’ve never had this dream.  so it had to mean something, right?   i thought back and M had made some comments about things before this trip and i put it all together in my head.  i just had a feeling that this it.  this was the day.  so i got up and got ready for the beach, bringing make-up because you never know when you’re going to need to look nice (maybe for some pictures of the happy couple?).

we went about our day.  enjoying the beach.  the boardwalk.  pina coladas at the pool bar.  a (bad for me) round of putt-putt.  and me reading into every movement he made.  why go on this ride first, was he trying to set a moment up?  did he have something in mind?  as the day passed i kept reworking it in my head.  how he was going to do it now that we’d passed that last moment where he could have squeezed it in?  we finally went back to the hotel to take a nap before the evening.  when we woke up he suggested going to a nice dinner at a nice restaurant.  i got very excited.  this had to be it, why else would he want to dress up?  so i put myself together nicely.  at one point he ran out to the car and came back to tell me he’d received some recommendations from the guy at the front desk.  in my head i could hear him asking the guy “i’m looking for a really romantic place to pop the question, any suggestions?”.  he came back with the recommendation of the bar next door.  i knew it was more of a beach bar but said “whatever you want to do” anyway.  once we parked i began to get sad.  the reality that he really wasn’t trying to set anything up at all began to sink in.  he just wanted to have dinner.  as we waited and grabbed drinks at the bar i saw tables out on the sand where you could be seated.  i started to gather up my hope and just hold on for a bit.  with the sun setting over the bay in about 30 minutes, sitting out there would be absolutely gorgeous.  as i sipped my drink i looked at him and i felt my heart begin sinking.  just looking at him i knew i was wrong.   he wasn’t planning anything.  as they seated us at an “on beach” table i just stared and read his face.  it wasn’t going to happen… and i knew it.  i’d been setting myself up all day for the disappointment.  and just then, as i was choking back the hurt i’d caused myself, the entire restaurant applauded and cheered.  i looked up to see the couple, all of 21, who’d just gotten engaged right then.  i burst into tears.  i was sobbing.  i couldn’t control it.  i’ve been looking forward to this moment for over 2 years and for whatever reason i really thought it was going to be then.  i have no good reason why other than i had a dream.  and to watch someone else get what i just realized i wasn’t getting was awful.  it was painful even.  i sucked it up after a while and we went back to the hotel.  after we turned the lights out i cried some more.  it was a very hard day for me.  i’ve never felt that close to happiness and so far away all within an instant.  i never want to feel that again.

and while i think M is worth waiting for i just worry whether i can do it.  i don’t want to go through that again.  but i want to keep my hopes up.  because if i give up on us ever wanting the same thing, then why would i still want to be in the relationship?  i’m just trying to hold out.  when i really stop and think rationally about it, like on my drive in to work this morning, i am willing to wait much longer than i’ve implied.  and the odds are i will.  but i’m a girl, so i’m not always rational.  and when i get into those thoughts, those feelings, i get so upset and just want to pull the plug already because i don’t like the feelings that come with the let down.  so for now i’ll keep waiting and he’ll keep procrastinating.  it’s our thing.

without the shadow of that one day the trip was good.  we had fun.  i’m tan(ner) and i have a bucket of fisher’s caramel corn sitting next to me which makes any day good.  and i got to see my family.  something i don’t get to do but every year or so when there’s a funeral to attend.  i got to visit my dad, which was helpful.  and M had “the best crabcakes ever” which made me happy.  we also went on this ride called the zipper.  i was hesitant because it looked dull and i think i’ve seen it at carnivals before so how much fun could it be?  well, it was AWESOME!  if you run into this ride at your local carnival i highly recommend it.  i laughed and screamed the entire time… it was a blast! 

did anyone else have a tumultuous holiday weekend?

  

  

~ today i learned… John Lennon had a cat named Elvis~

white to wear

after really looking into all the places i want to go for a long weekend i decided i wanted to go to Ocean City, MD.  the deciding factor was mainly being able to stop in to see my family and visit my dad.  so after i decided what i wanted to do i talked to M to make sure he was up for it.  he was all in.  so then we started to talk about when and decided on memorial day weekend.  even though we’re only going for 2 nights we’ll still have a day to be home and kick back before going back to work, i liked that plan.  

sunday night i started to look at hotels but M wouldn’t let me book anything because he had to “check his schedule”.  what a joke.  if he has anything happening on a weekend it’s typically with me so i knew it was going to be fine.  and there was a hotel on the boardwalk that i really wanted to book.  so monday he gave me the “all clear” to book, and of course that hotel was gone.  so now we’re staying off the boardwalk, which is livable i guess.  as long as i get my thrasher’s fries and fisher’s popcorn i’ll be a happy girl.

attn: boys, yes both of you… you’ll want to skip down and begin reading after the section in stars (girly stuff… not girl talk, Stuff)

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so last night i started thinking about it and realized we’re leaving next week.  and it instantly hit me.  that’s a bad week for me.  i don’t have plans.  but i’m on my placebos.  i hate taking a vacation when i have it.  it’s bad enough that i practically have 3 out of 4wks of spotting anyway.  does anyone have any suggestions?  i’m on loestrin24 so i have 4 days of placebos and they’ll start on thursday, we leave on friday.  i know with OTC and other pills i could just skip the week of placebos and go straight to the next pack, but how can i do that with only the 4 days?  do i need to skip a week?  or just the 4 days?  i’m so confused.  and i always get nervous about it because i can not end up pregnant before engaged.  it’s not allowed.  i’d love to hear any suggestions!  and i’m pissed because i can’t pack my favorite white bathingsuit : (
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so then i started planning out the details of the trip.  friday we’ll both cut out of work a few hours early and get into OC late at night.  we’ll stop for dinner somewhere along the way.  saturday is all beach all day… and we’ll definitely do rides too.  sunday morning we’ll spend the quality hours at the beach, leave around 1 and head to my family’s hometown.  that’s when i started to get unnerved.  the thought of introducing M to my extended family almost makes me nauseous.  i hate to introduce them to someone that may not be around in a few months.  i feel like it’s just silly.  there’s really no reason they need to know him if it’s not for the long haul.  afterall, i don’t expect that many of these relatives will be alive when i do finally get married (i know that sounds terrible but it’s true), and even if they are most of them won’t travel.  so i almost feel like it’s a tease to introduce them.  the only guy that my sister ever brought by was her now husband.  and i’ve already stopped into town with a guy i was dating at the time.  granted it was about 9 years ago, but still, i don’t want them to think i’m a hussey.  and if i were M i would feel awkward about meeting the extended family of someone that i haven’t decided i want to marry.  but really, i can’t drive through this town (which we have to to get to the beach) and not stop.  i never get to see my family.  and they all live within a few blocks of each other so it’s too easy.

and honestly, having him with me when i go to visit my dad may possibly anger me.  i don’t know if  i’ve said this before, but M didn’t come to my dad’s funeral.  it’s a story longer than what i want to write right now but it still upsets me.  and i’ve never told him about this grudge i’ve been holding in the back of my mind about it.  in a couple of weeks we have the annual pub crawl where we always stop and he visits his dad in arlington,  so i know he won’t mind me stopping with me… but i might.

we’ll have fun even though i have all these issues, i just wish they weren’t issues at all.  oh well, for now i’m going to start packing.  all white.  okay, not allwhite, but a lot of white.  i know it’s technically memorial day when i can start but i feel like i wait so long for it that i usually start that weekend.  so i’ll definitely be wearing white on sunday and monday.  saturday is bathingsuit and coverup only so no worries.

i can’t believe it’s next week already.

  

  

~ today i learned… the british always considered the french to be rude, that’s why “pardon my french” refers to saying something vulgar, acting as a frenchman would ~

what a difference a day made

the other night i’m on the phone with M, crying.  i know, i know, what else is new?  i was upset because he was leaving in a couple of days to go on a guys golf trip for a week  and even though the last 4 weekends in a row have prevented us from spending them together, he only asked to see me one day before he left.  and it was during the perfect week in my cycle for just about anything to make me cry.  so i, naturally, took his asking me to spend one day together as a sign that he didn’t want to spend much time with me.  that he only wanted to spend that single day together and that was enough. 

so we spent the next night together when it fit into both of our schedules.  M always gets up and showers and leaves for work well before i even get out of bed.  by the time i woke up i’d discovered that he’d fixed my toilet!  it wasn’t anything major, it was just acting funny the night before (the handle actually spun around each time you flushed it).  i hadn’t even said a word to him about it.  he noticed it and just fixed it.  even though it was the tiniest thing, it made me smile all day. 

and then later in the day on friday it happened.  i’ve been stressed out from work for the last month.  stressed out from my issues in the relationship for the last… well i have no clue how long.  but it all kinda’ came to a head this past week.  it’s accurate to say that i was “stressed the f out”.  and friday i left at lunch to run some errands that were long overdue.  when i came back home there were flowers.  HOLY CRAP!  flowers. for me. from M!  it couldn’t be, that’s impossible.  but it was true.  and i love them.  there were 2 dozen gorgeous roses in beautiful spring shades.  they’re brightening up more than one room in my place right now and sticking my nose in them to get a whiff each time i walk by puts a smile on my face. 

my inital reaction to finding these flowers was not at all what i’d hoped.  when i saw them i didn’t get super excited, like i should have.  i didn’t jump up and down and scream, like i assumed i would if he had ever done this.  instead i let out a sigh.  a sigh of relief that was so long overdue.  i realized at that moment that i’d already begun giving up.  giving up on him.  giving up on us.  but just these little efforts really show me that he’s in this.  and he’s listening.  and he really does care.  and even though it’s taken him this long to do such a simple thing for me, it really shows me that there’s hope left.  for us.  this can work.  it’s obviously not going to be in the time frame i wanted, because that’s long passed.  but it can work down the road.  and i want to stick it out.   i won’t wait forever, but i feel better about waiting even right now.

he’s on his golf trip right now.  usually i get bummed when he’s gone but i’m happy.  i’m enjoying my time to relax and get stuff done.  i miss him.  but i’m so excited for him to come home!

lemming?

i ran into someone today.  we used to work together.  he was my absolute favorite co-worker.  his cube was next to mine.  whenever we got into the office we’d always drop our stuff and  go straight into the other person’s cube.  we talked all the time.  he was the only person on the team i had real respect for and thought was a genuine person.  he doesn’t buy into the bullshit and sees past the smoke screens.  i really miss working with him. 

so today i was running an errand at lunch when i heard “go hokies!” from behind me.  ** you must understand that i was wearing a VT shirt so this wasn’t as unusual as it sounds… i figured it was any tech fan** i turned around to see him standing there.  i immediately went running toward him and gave him a huge hug.  i was so happy to see him!  ever since i left that job we haven’t really had much contact. we’ve talked a couple of extremely brief times and said we’d go hit balls at lunch but we never have.  so when he told me he wanted to get together in a couple of weeks for drinks, i half-heartedly handed over my card. 

as i walked away i started to get irritated.  why bother acting like we’re going to get together when you really have no intentions of it? (this is one of my biggest frustrations with most people… wasting their breath on shit they have absolutely no intentions of doing)  i quickly realized i was wasting my energy being irked about it.  and i just decided to let it go.  that was a huge step for me.  and it’s piled on top of another big one i took this past weekend. 

when E and i were out shopping she was looking for a certain type of shoe to match a new dress.  we were unsuccessful that night together and, as i said before, the next day she went to the event i was so rudely not invited to.  so as i was out shopping on my own i saw a pair of shoes that were exactly what she was looking for.  i got excited and picked up my phone to call and see if she wanted me to buy them for her (which she would then buy from me of course) since there was only one pair.  it was at that moment i reminded myself what a crappy friend she’s been.  and as i walked around the store i started really thinking about it. 

i’m not a crappy friend.  in fact, i think i’m a rather great friend.  at least i try to be.  i always send birthday cards.  i call on special occasions.  i get excited for things that are excitng to them.  since everything is so b&w with me i don’t really waste my time on people i don’t care for.  and everyone in my life, well i’d give them the proverbial shirt off my back.  so why should someone being a crappy friend toward me turn me into being a crappy friend toward them, or anyone else?  just because they don’t put me first, or they do seomthing to make me feel terrible?  i’m a pretty bitter person so my instinct is to just do the same thing to them.  if they wouldn’t think of looking at something for me when they’re out, i shouldn’t do it either, right?  but i’m not a lemming.  i’m not going to do something just because someone else does it (but i will do things people talk me into : ).  and i hope that no one has ever been able to say i was a bad friend.  i’m okay with people saying they don’t care for me, or that they think i’m a bitch.  but i don’t want anyone to ever have cause to call me a bad friend.  in my eyes that’s worse.

so then i headed back to the shoes, pulled out my phone and took a picture.  i sent it to her and she went and bought them the next day.  of course she’s not going to suddenly become a better friend, but i’m happy with myself because i continued to be the type of friend i like to be.  so as i was walking away from my former co-worker today i got the same feeling.  i hope he does call and we do get together again.  but if he doesn’t, i’ll still give him my card the next time i see him and he says we need to get together.

  

  

~ today i learned… Zurich Switzerland was founded as a Roman customs post. ~

lonely girl, lonely and blue

i just found out that M is going away on a business trip next week.

normally this isn’t an issue.  it’s never been an issue in the past.  heck, when we started dating i used to travel every other week for work and then sometimes on the week i was here he’d have to travel.  back then it was part of life and we were both so busy that we enjoyed the time to just sit down and relax by ourselves.  we’ve both transferred into new jobs where neither of us really travels for work anymore.  when we travel now it’s usually a trip we’re taking together.  and even when i travel home, he usually comes with me for some period of that time.  so i guess this is the first time he’s had to travel and i’m going to be here.  alone.  as soon as he told me, i was upset.

i love spending time with him.  and the fact that he’ll be gone for part of the weekend bothers me this time.  i’m so used to spending my entire weekend with him.  the more i think about how much this bothers me, the more upset it makes me.  i know it sounds sad to say that my life revolves around him, but it kinda does.  it’s just so crazy because i’ve always been an extremely independent person.  i’ve never needed anyone else.  i’ve never not enjoyed time alone.  i drove from CT to CO by myself and loved having that much time alone.  we just spend most of our free time together  now, we’re always doing something.  and it’s not that i’m one of those people who gave up my friends when we started dating.  he was already my best friend here by then.  and all of my other friends, well, as i’ve said before they’re just kind of acquaintances.  i’ve asked one girl what she’s up to next week since we’ve been talking about getting together.  but if that doesn’t come through i’m on my own.  and i have no clue what to do with that much time on my hands.  i never have that kind of time alone anymore.  and i know i’m always wishing i just had more time to be here and get stuff done.  but now that i have it, i have no idea what to do with it. 

i guess i could complete the changing of my wardrobe.  or maybe i’ll do some shopping and not worry about being anywhere at a certain time (if i do, i can completely call off the shopping ban i was trying to enforce).  but beyond what i’m going to do, i know i’m going to miss certain things.  even for a couple of days.

who’s going to wake me up for morning pilates with “rise and shine.  kung fu today.” in their best swedish accent?
who’s stomach am i going to put my frozen feet on and hold them there while they wince?
who am i going to talk to before i go to sleep every night? (i’ll stlil get to talk to him, but since he’ll be 3hrs behind, it means i’m going to be woken from my sleep to talk)
who’s going to shame me out of buying that next pair of shoes?
who will rub my hands when i wake up in the morning and before i can open my eyes, shove my hand in their face?
who can i put an outfit on for and ask “does this look okay?” and get a reasonable answer?
who will snore me to sleep?
who is going to be around to not send me flowers?

(okay, so this list makes M kinda sound like a sissy… but he’s really just a good boyfriend, except for that last part)

i know he’s only going for 5 days, but i guess i’m one of those losers that relies on their loved one for daily happiness.  not that i won’t be happy, but my family and friends will get way more calls during this time.  and i’ll probably acquire more shoes.  and my place is going to be a disaster with no one to clean it up for.  but it’ll be good.  i’ll find something to do, right? 

anyone got ideas about what i can do next weekend?  suggestions?

  

  

~ today i learned… that when i have my head flipped over, blow drying my hair, i look like sour grapes with all my skin falling up~