selfish + selfish = super selfish

so i already wondered once whether i was being super selfish or not… and the concensus was that i was not being selfish with the things i wanted and/or i was rightfully selfish in those wants.

but now i’m really getting pissed.  i feel like everyone else is being so selfish that it’s going to force me to be selfish too… and i don’t want to be because i know it’s going to piss people off.

so i’m going home tomorrow and M is coming with me.  we’ve been planning this trip for a while, months even.  and my trips home always end up frantic and jam packed with little get togethersjust so i can spend some time with the people i love and miss.  it’s not at all enjoyable or the way i like to visit but it’s just how it is unless i take a shit load of time off to just hang out up there… which i don’t do because i can barely afford to take the limited time off.  anyway, there are certain people that always want to monopolize my time when i’m there, which i don’t blame them for… i’dwant to spend alotof time with me too. kidding, kidding, i really want to spend time with them too.  but with all of them having kids and such it’s becoming a huge pain in the ass.

as i previously stated i have an appointment scheduled to try on dresses with my mom, S, and my sister.  and i’m really looking forward to it… or i was.  S had originally said she’d be getting a sitter for her boys and that she’d be coming along.  however my sister is bringing the girls since they’re older and will be (mostly) well-behaved… plus they’ll love the idea of shops full of princess dresses!  so then my mom decided we should hit another store.  i agreed, though i put the cap on 2 large stores for the day… i’ll be cranky enough after just going to 1.  so then i told my sister, she sighed and said that the younger niece is going to get cranky by then and will be a handful.  umm, okay well then if you don’t think you can make it to the 2nd store, that’s fine but i’m still going with mom.  then i called S and she complained because she didn’t get a sitter and her hubby is watching the boys until he goes to work, so she can’t go to the 2nd appointment because she needs to go back and watch them.  okay, again, if you can’t make it to the 2nd, that’s cool.  but i’m still going.  i’m sick of everyone giving me their sorry speech about how they have kids and they can’t do it. 

i am in town for a couple of days!  i’m making a POINT to go dress shopping with you because you’re important to me, damnit!  i’m ditching my man and leaving him with NOTHING to do in a foreign town state for half a day to go dress shopping with you people!  i only have 1 free day when i can go to dress shops so don’t try to make me feel bad!  get a god damn babysitter!!  i take off of WORK when you people come to visit me… for as many days as you decide to be here!  i’m so sick of this bullshit about not being able to do things because you have kids!!  i understand that having kids changes things, i would never deny that.  but really?  you can’t get a f-in babysitter for 3 hours?!?  i’m tempted to offer to pay for one at this point.

and then we have plans on tuesday night to go to the concert.  yet again i’m ditching M basically from 3pm to the end of the night to go do this with the girls.  and no one is willing to help me entertain him.  i know it’s no one else’s problem but seriously people, when you bring your men to town M is the first to offer to take them out to do something.  he makes the plans and rearranges his schedule because we know it’s important to get to know the people who are close to those we love.  but this visit is bullshit.  sure, if we’re there on a weekend everyone’s husbands offer to take him a million places and i never get to see him during the trip, which i’m cool with because i’drather he spend the time getting to know those guys.  i’ll spend time with him when we’re back here.  but this time my sister offered to watch S’s kids while we’re at the concert so all 3 guys (M, brother in law, and S’s hubby) could go do something manly.  the guys were all gung-ho.  and now S has decided she’s not cool with it.  that she doesn’t want to saddle my sister with 4 kids under the age of 4 for a few hours.  she’s offering, yeesh!  and she’s been babysitting your kids for 2 years and suddenly you’re not cool with it?  whatever, i’m not a mom, i’m sure she has her reasons.  but she’s also not willing to get a babysitter instead so the guys can go do what they were planning.

it is making me IRATE!  i feel like everyone else is being SO FREAKIN SELFISH that it’s leaving me with 2 options
1) rearrange everything i was planning on and would like to do to meet everyone elses schedules 
or
2) be just as selfish to get what I want

it just makes me so angry because we’ve already changed plans so that other people could hang out with people that live down the street from them (because heaven forbid they miss ONE weekly lunch when i’m in town which happens, oh i dunno, 2-3 times a YEAR!).  and i’m getting sighs when asked if we’ll get getting together a couple of times or not with certain people.  WTF?!?  there are people i don’t have time to get together with AT ALL and you want to schedule a THIRD meet-up for this trip?!?  stop being so damn selfish people!!  you can all go screw yourselves as far as i’mconcerned (today).  if i were coming up to specifically visit you then you can demand more of my time, but i’m not.  and my sister has been down here 2x this year and makes a point to visit at least once a year, so you know what?  she gets priority.  because she makes me a priority.  i’m sorry if having kids has left people broke, i get that.  but if you can’t make an effort to visit me in 3 years then don’t try to use MY trip up there as YOUR time to see me.  GRRR!!

sorry… i really needed to vent and M’s already heard it all

  

  

~ today i learned… It is estimated that 15% of people chew on their toenails ~

ding-dong ding-dong

yes, i can hear wedding bells.  and no, i’m not engaged.  i’m sure there are people that have read my posts (albeit not that many based on my stats) and thought “this chick is crazy!” or maybe ”enough with waiting for the ring already!”   “get on with your life and stop being so presumptive!”   and/or  “you’re engagement/wedding obsessed!”

but i feel like i need to clarify the situation a little.  so, yes, i’ve been expecting a ring.  but it’s only because i’ve been told  i’m getting one.  after a year or so of M not really knowing whether or not he ever wanted to get married, one day he decided he absolutely wants to marry me (one of the happiest moments of my life!)!  so from that point on it’s been a life full of discussions about the details.  when?  where?  who?  etc.  the discussions have been between the two of us.  as i’ve complained about before, he gives me these little dates to mark as “i’ll propose by then” and he fails to meet them over and over.  i get really bent out of shape each time, not because i don’t think he’s going to do it, but because all he has to do is tell me before that date that it’s not going to happen.  he’s given me details about the things that keep setting it back (it’s mostly about my ring) and once he finally shared that with me it all made more sense.  i’m not a patient person.  and i hate being kept in the dark so i need details and he’s given me them lately.  it’s put my mind at ease (slightly more so anyway) and i’ve told him no more deadlines, i can’t deal with them anymore.

the other night i decided to make some confessions to him because it’s been eating me up not telling him.  i usually tell him EVERYTHING!  so after he got a little nervous he told me to spill it… and i did.  i gathered my courage and struggled for the words but finally told him about…

• the bridesmaids dresses i bought a couple of months ago.  i’ve known all along that i was only going to have these 2 girls so when i saw these dresses, and they were $20 i couldn’t help myself.  i bought them and shipped them off to my sister immediately.  partly to get rid of the evidence, and partly to run them by her and S to make sure they were cool with them.  it turned out my sister loved it so much she had me go find her one in another color and she’s wearing it to a black-tie wedding this week!

i waited for his reaction and after a moment of silence i got it.  laughter.  not mean laughter but you’re-being-silly-laughter.  which is good but not what i expected.  he laughed because we’ve been planning the wedding for a while, we’ve worked on guest lists, discussed venues, food, etc. so i shouldn’t have been so worried.  so i decided to tell him some more and i told him about…

• the dress appointments i have scheduled.  i said all along that i wasn’t going to try on dresses until i have my ring.  but i’m going home this week and i don’t really foresee any other times when i can go dress shopping with my mom, sister and S.  and it’s extremely important to me to do this with them.  (in an effort to be practical i also have an appointment here tomorrow to narrow out the styles that aren’t worth trying on when i’m home… i have a feeling mermaid and trumpet fall into this category… thanks for the hips mom).   

and his reaction was just about the same.  more laughter.  he knows that this has been an important detail for me and originally i really thought we’d be engaged before this trip so it wasn’t going to be an issue.  it all just feels so weird though.  i know it’s just practical but i haven’t bought a single wedding magazine because i’ve just felt it would be wrong (on some bizarre level) to do before i’m officially engaged.  but yet somewhere along the lines i decided to make a purchase and it’s kinda been downhill from there.  i have yet to spill the beans about these other wedding related moves…

• candy buffet jars.  i bought them on the same day i got the dresses.  once i put the dresses in my cart i knew i was crossing that line and figured what the hell.  i saw these awesome jars and they’ve been sitting in my closet floor ever since.
• wedding invitations.  no, i haven’t bought invitations but i have won them.  you heard that right.  i won a wedding blog giveaway!  i was so excited when i found out.  not only because i never win anything but because we’re now going to have letterpress invitations!  i’m so excited!!  i can’t wait to tell him and actually get to pick them out.
• a handbag.  to the naked eye no one would know it’s to be used on my wedding day, but i saw it and loved it right away.  i’ll post pictures of all this stuff once it’s official and i feel a little more comfortable with my purchases.
• i may or may not have already started designing our wedding website (since almost everyone will be from out of town) and save the dates on my computer

as of right now, that’s all there is.  i know i know some of you still think i’m crazy and maybe i am… a little.  but i swear i’m not fully.  i can justify all of it.  and just because i don’t have a ring doesn’t change the fact that we’re planning a wedding, we’re just doing it backwards.  once i do finally have the ring we already know where we’re headed to secure the reception site and who’s church we’re going to use. 

does this take the romance out of it?  no.  the message and outcome is the same. 

when he does propose will i have that moment of oh-my-god-i’m-so-surprised-i-had-no-clue?  no and i don’t need that.  i’ve already had that moment with him, when he finally decided i was what he wanted for the rest of his life … and i’ll never forget hearing that.  and i will be surprised when he actually does it because at this point i have no clue what is going on which is awesome because i love a surprise but i never get them because i have ZERO patience and can sniff them out a mile away.

anyway, i’m still not buying any magazines until i have a ring.  and it may seem ridiculous to you but i need to stand by some level of “that’s crossing the line” and that’s where i choose to put it.  with all the blogs i read i don’t think i really need magazines for any reason but i think at this point i just want to buy one… just because you only get to do that for a small time and i don’t want to miss out on it.

  

 

~ today i learned… women are blessed with more taste buds than males.~

factimus maximus

everyone has some random facts about themselves, and things they do.  sometimes it’s hard to tell anyone because you assume they’ll label you as crazy.  after reading through comments left on other blogs i’ve learned that some of the stuff i do, stuff that i think would get me labeled, is stuff alot of other people do too!  so as a community service i’m going to list out some of the things about me that i know at least one other person out there is afflicted with too so we all don’t feel quite so alone in our weirdness…

- i read my mail in the bathroom.  it’s the first thing i do when i walk in the door.  i’ll read an entire magazine or catalog just sitting in there.  i guess it’s just my way of decompressing after a long day.  i find it so relaxing to just spend time sitting in there… even when i don’t have to go.

- i talk to myself.  all the time.  out loud.  i have entire conversations with me.  i think know i got this one from my mom (along with many others).  i’ll talk about my day, bitch about something, i’ll have an entire conversation.  when i had dogs i used to talk to them.  i always assumed they were in agreeance with me though.  if i ever thought they disagreed and we had a conversation about it then it might be time to call it quits.

- i know this one will gross most people out but… i smell my socks.  not in a freaky disturbing way.  i just smell my socks when i take them off.  i don’t even know why.  i guess it’s just a measure of how active my day was or something.

- i despise the sound of whistling.  i’m not sure when i began to dislike it, but i do.  and whenever i hear someone do it, it makes my skin crawl.  i basically scream inside my head.

- i’m always paranoid that i didn’t flush.  i’ll go back and check multiple times.  of course it’s only gotten worse since that one time i checked only to see that i actually hadn’t.  it’s just so routine to get up, turn around, and flush that i forget whether i’ve done it or not.  when i’m out in public i stress about it for a long time once i get back to my seat.  i try to envision those last seconds and whether i remember doing it or not.

- my mother drives me insane.  so maybe this isn’t an unusual thing but the woman is crazy!  i love her more than anything in this world though, nothing will ever mean more to me than her, but after about an hour with her i need a break.  she’s too intense.  and god do i hate being so far away from her.

- i keep stock on pregnancy tests.  i’ve always taken them when a relationship was in trouble.  i don’t know if it’s because i’d get nervous that something terrible was going to happen or if it’s because i hoped that if i was it would save the relationship.  no matter what, i’m so not ready for kids and glad that something like that never changed a relationship from where it was headed.  i’m right where i’m supposed to be.

- i check my email waaay too often.  and i’m always hoping there’s going to be something amazing in there.  and i’m a little bummed every time there isn’t.

- i set my alarm clock ahead by a random amount of time.  i don’t calculate it because i don’t want to know exactly how much.  but i set my alarm to make up for that time.  if i want to get up at 7:30 and think my clock is about 30 minutes fast, i’ll set it for 8.  defeats the point, i know.  my car is set fast too… i have no clue how fast but i think it’s approaching an hour.

- i don’t like walking around in bare feet.  i take my shoes off the second i get home but have to have socks or slippers on immediately.  i go to sleep with my socks on, but get too hot and take them off in my sleep.  whenever i change the sheets i find miscellaneous socks strewn about.

- i laugh when i’m nervous.  job interviews, funerals, dates, whatever.  it’s like an awful tick, i hate it.

- i watch too much Law & Order on some days.  then i have a hard time leaving the house or staying in it.  i called my boyfriend up in tears once because i was convinced someone was in my place.  turns out i had just watched an all day marathon.

- i glance in the mirror too many times a day.  especially if i think i look good, i like to take it in on those days to make up for hte days when i can’t stand to look in the mirror.  i guess i’m vain, not completely convinced though but probably am.

- i’m so anal retentive about being prepared for anything.  i play out entire conversations in my head over and over.  i even write them out sometimes.  i have to prepare for every possible outcome.

- i don’t like people seeing my ears.  they stick out and i hate the way they look uncovered.  if i pull my hair back i use bobbypins to hold the sides over my ears, i wear a fleece headband that covers my ears when i go running so i can put my hair up in a full ponytail… even in the summer.  i’d rather go out of the house without makeup than with my ears showing.  (i do have to admit this has gotten better since i’ve been in the relationship i’m in… i don’t care as much about how i look to others)

- i get irritated when people say that they look like someone famous… especially when they look nothing like them.  it’s one thing for people to tell you that you look like someone, it’s another to insist you look like someone fabulous.

- i am obsessive about picking at my cuticles, fingernails & toenails.  i like to split the nails and then file them down.  i like to pick at my cuticles with a safety pin and then cut them off like i’m supposed to.  it’s not very ladylike and it’s probably one step away from being as gross as biting toenails but whatever.

i’m sure i’ve mentioned some of these before.  and i’m sure there are many more. 

  

  

~ today i learned… the sandwich is named after the 4th Earl of Sandwich to facilitate simultaneous eating and gambling (a man after my own heart!) ~

like totally gag me

they say that when it comes to children, stuff that would normally gross you out won’t.  something about it being your own children makes it less disgusting i guess?  i don’t really get this train of though but i’m decidedly putting alot of stock into it. 

apparently i have a weak gag reflex.  and it seems to be getting worse.  i used to throw up alot but it had nothing to do with my gag reflex, or an eating disorder, it had to do with my partying lifestyle.  i was young and my preferred method of enjoying my weekend outings was the good ‘ol boot & rally (for those of you who did not defile their bodies every weekend like i did and don’t know what that is, it’s when you drink until you can’t possibly drink anymore.  we all know that feeling when you know the next shot is going to make you puke, but in this method you take it anyway.  and as soon as you walk out from the bathroom, or alley, wherever, you go straight to the bar to get another drink.  is it a drinking problem?  i dunno, but it was my way of not being the wet blanket on the party.  it’s also why i went into work still drunk on many occasions).  anyhoo… i thought that this familiarity with the process of throwing up would leave me immune to the gagging stuff.  i was wrong.

recently i gagged at the dentist’s office when they were taking molds.  the second that goopy stuff hit the back of my throat my body screamed NOOOOO! and with people holding my mouth open the only way my body could say this was to make me gag, repeatedly, until they removed the goop.

when my nieces were visiting last month one of them choked on bacon at my kitchen table.  not only do i freeze when this happens (god help my poor future children because with all my years of babysitting under my belt i’ve somehow recently developed a debilitating fear of children choking to death in front of me… i freeze right up) but as she choked the bacon back up everything else she’d eaten came up too.  all over my tablecloth.  all over my plates.  all over.  and while i stood there frozen, not able to help the poor thing, i started to gag.  so i decided to turn toward the kitchen to begin cleanup while my sister and mom stuck their fingers in to retrieve the bacon from her throat.  as i handed over the paper towels i gagged.  as i pulled off the dirty tablecloth to clean it i gagged.  i couldn’t get near any of it without gagging.  i had to leave the room entirely at one point because it was about to go past just gagging.

then when we were down visiting one of M’s friends the guy’s daughter had some sort of cold or something.  she was all stuffy and you could hear it in her nose, that alone grosses me out.  then we were out at dinner and she sneezed.  and boogers went everywhere.  one even landed on my hand.  i tried to discreetly wipe it off with a napkin and i was able to hide my gagging.  but i couldn’t eat anything that was on the table after that.  i tried to dip a fry into my ranch and gagged.  it never made it into my mouth.  then later as we were about the leave the little girl was standing next to the table and she sneezed again… one giant slimy one was on her face, i gagged.  M handed her a napkin and she wiped.  but she wiped the giant glob across her face and up into her eye.  i continued to gag.  it took a good 10 minutes for me to stop gagging.  i just kept seeing it in my head and couldn’t stop.

one time after my niece was potty trained i was hanging out in the bathroom with her while she was going and for some reason i started gagging.  could have been the smell of #2 but it wasn’t anything extraordinary, just poo.  and yet, you guessed it, i gagged.

i don’t get it.  i used to change nasty baby diapers all the time.  i used to clean up their baby spit up and toddler vomit.  now i can’t handle any of it.  heck, typing the story about the snot made me gag just thinking about it again.  so why do they say that when it’s your own kid it won’t bother you?  do you just become numb to it?  or are there people out there that are bothered by it and can’t clean up their kids? 

because i’m just keeping my fingers crossed right now that it’s true… or else my children will be in for some serious cleaning of themselves, and M will not be thrilled either.

  

 

~ today i learned… Al Capone’s business card said he was a used furniture dealer.~

hi:lo

hi: going into the weekend thinking that M was definitely going to propose.  i couldn’t think of any reason he wouldn’t.  i just knew it!

lo: stepping out of my car and hitting the lock button on my key fob and hearing… nothing.  it wasn’t locking.  it wasn’t arming.  it was doing nothing.  i called the dealership and asked them what that means.  he said hopefully it just meant the key had gone bad and not the electrical locking system.  keys are $160 to get a new set and have them programmed.  uggh… add it to my scheduled oil change i i guess.

hi: attending our second concert at a local venue and having the seating guy for our box recognize us already.  it’s nice to get good service and being that we’d only been there once i was pretty impressed with his memory.

hi: being offered backstage for after the show

lo: M being old and turning down the backstage option because we had an early game the next day… i’m not even a huge fan of the band but i always say Yes to meet & greets because how many times will you get that chance?

hi: finally getting to our first home game of the season… it feels like home in our seats.  it’s nice to see the same faces every year. 

hi: the big fat W for the game.  it was touch and go for a little bit but i was so happy we won.  those 4hr drives home after a loss are MISERABLE!

lo: the conflicting schedule of the couple we attend games with.  it doesn’t really work with what i need to do for my new eating pattern and we didn’t get to go to the bookstore.  i’ve already told M that we may need to take separate cars this year.  i’m sick of not being able to do other stuff around town because they need to get home.

hi: spending sunday morning washing, waxing, and detailing my car.  for me there isn’t much better than getting behind the wheel of a freshly cleaned car, i just love it.  i even had a full tank of gas.  i love to just step back and look at her sparkle & shine.

lo: when i realized that M definitely wasn’t proposing and i lost my shit, yet again.  it’s just so damn frustrating to be told something and keep expecting it.  in a moment of crying bitterness i may have said something that i didn’t mean… but he knows me too well to even listen to me at these moments.  i mostly just have issues with things not going according to MY plan.

hi: getting laundry done last night.  it’s a great perk of dating a man who has a house where i can do laundry whenever i want.  for free!

lo: hearing “UH OH” from M after i asked “what was that noise??” while folding laundry

super lo: running outside to find my car wedged under the deck.  apparently my e-brake decided not to hold up and let my car roll down his driveway.  i spent the rest of the evening totally bummed about the thought of how much it’s gonna cost to get my car repaired.  i actually had an oil change already scheduled today so i had them fix the e-brake while i was there getting my o/c and new key.  i also had them draw up an estimate.

hi: talking to my insurance co and finding out that it may be covered under comprehensive (with a $100 ded) but it’s up to the agent.  i had my fingers crossed from that point on.

lo: finally hearing from the agent that decided that it would be covered under collision (with a $500 ded).  BOOOO!!  that blows on many levels.  not only the out of pocket money, but how it looks on my insurance and what it’s going to raise my rate to.

  

  

~ today i learned… Alfred Hitchcock didn’t have a belly button ~

bummer

we’ve got a bum problem in this city.  i consider it a problem because you see them wherever you go which i find odd.  maybe i’m just not used to city life and that’s why it’s so foreign to me, but i remember being made aware of the large number of bums as soon as i moved here.  i used to have a little convertible (i still love and miss that car) and i have a distinct memory of sitting at a stoplight and watching a man, who was obviously homeless, panhandle from one car window to the next ahead of me.  i was really hoping he would avoid me because i hate ignoring beggars but at the same time i’m not so rich that i can donate money to every person that asks.  so when he approached my car, i’d already put my windows up but realized it’s really not that effective when you have the top down.  i just remember being appalled by the fact that this pandering was allowed in the downtown area that is filled with college students, historic buildings, and beautification projects.  from there on i noticed the alarming number of homeless people sleeping in the parks and under the highways, begging on the corners, and just wandering about town.

there’s one bum in particular that i drive by every day.  he/she sits on a railing at the local bridge.  this bum is always wearing, what looks like, 8 layers of clothes on any given day whether it’s 98 or 32 degrees out.  it has a shopping cart next to him/her full of their stuff and usually has a large umbrella that i assume is used to block rain, wind and sun (a pretty smart idea actually).  the way this person sleeps on the railing makes my neck hurt, they’re just sitting up with their head hanging down.  it looks so painful but i guess he/she really has bigger issues than a little neck pain in the mornings.

but there are days when i drive by and wonder who is responsible for all these bums?  bums must die at some point, right?  i mean, everyone does.  but you never see dead bums so who has the crappy job of finding and removing them?  i see bums all the time that i swear must be dead but they’re not there the next day, but back later in the week so i know i’m wrong.  so who gets to go around poking the bums with sticks to see which ones are dead? 

i know there are jobs that identify roadkill, shovel them off the street and then dispose of them.  i have to assume there’s something similar for bums.  i happen to know that just having a place to bury someone is expensive, so what do they do with all the deceased bums?  odds are that they haven’t purchased plots. 

so really, what happens when bums die??

  

  

~ today i learned… a human’s ovaries are 3-4x bigger than a sheep’s ~