good bad shitty

good: road trips with M… i love being able to split the driving and actually take a nap late at night before it’s my shift

bad: when i wake up from said nap to find we’re 30 minutes past our exit

shitty: when my tired and cranky self blows up and tells him PULL OVER!  I’m driving!

good: the weather holding out so we could go to Six Flags NE… and the fact that no one was there so we never had to wait in any lines… roller coasters over and over and over (i love those days!)

bad:the rest of the days were mainly rainy so i did not get to go to the apple harvest festival OR durham fair.  boo!

good: i did still get some fried dough at SF though

good:going dress shopping with my mom, sister, S, and my nieces.  i may have found a dress… at least i’ve narrowed it to 2 anyway.

bad:not buying the one that’s half the price of my other choice because i’m not engaged and still can’t bring myself to put that kinda money down yet

good:getting my mother’s veil & headpiece which i’d already said i wanted.  even better was the dress my grandmother wore to my mom’s wedding which doesn’t fit my mom… i think i’m going to wear it as my going away dress at the end of the reception.

shitty: i really thought he was going to propose over this trip.  i was a little bummed about it yesterday

good:M did spend alot of time with my family and friends, even without me.  which i love. 

good:  watching NKOTB perform after drinks and dinner with my girls at the casino.  it was as great as i’d hoped… if i can ever learn how to upload video i’ll put some up.

bad: no time to actually sit down at a blackjack table and win some money (or go broke)

super shitty: not getting to do our meet & greet with the fab 5 because M and S’s husband totally botched our day by being over 30 minutes late with our cars… we’re both pissed… really pissed

bad: i can’t even talk about how upset i am that i missed that opportunity because M already feels awful and i don’t want to make him feel worse

good:M did pick me up some macintosh apples while i was at the concert (nothing says autumn like a crisp macintosh!)

good: getting my birthday gifts from S and my sister on this trip

bad:it appears that my mom didn’t even think about my birthday yet… umm, it’s about a week away.  feelin’ the love.

shitty:my sister gave me my birthday gifts at breakfast yesterday and they were obviously last minute things she bought on tuesday.  and apparently i’m no longer getting a gift from her and my bro-in-law and another from just the girls.  now it’s all one gift.  and i know it’s bratty and selfish and material but it upset me.  we usually do big gifts, especially for birthdays.  what i got from her entire family was less than $40… i just wish i’d known before i spent over $80 on my niece and about $50 on my bro-in-law which i brought up for this trip, i’m not rich and i would have loved to save some money.  we’ve talked in the past about spending less but said we’d decide some day in the future… i guess she decided and didn’t tell me.  i’m a little upset about it.

shitty:we talked about doing a birthday celebration to celebrate for my BIL, my niece, and me all at once.  but we didn’t.  it seemed like no one had any interest in celebrating my birthday at all on this trip.  either that or no one even thought about it.  birthdays are very important to me, and it really hurt my feelings that no one seems to care that they can’t spend my birthday with me and i was up there and hoped to celebrate early.  i guess everyone has finally settled into life without me… and it blows.  it’s been a big deal every year until now.   i don’t care if i’m acting like a spoiled brat either.

good: being home and getting ready to have an apple at lunch

  

  

~ today i learned… Mr. Rogers is an ordainder minister ~

selfish + selfish = super selfish

so i already wondered once whether i was being super selfish or not… and the concensus was that i was not being selfish with the things i wanted and/or i was rightfully selfish in those wants.

but now i’m really getting pissed.  i feel like everyone else is being so selfish that it’s going to force me to be selfish too… and i don’t want to be because i know it’s going to piss people off.

so i’m going home tomorrow and M is coming with me.  we’ve been planning this trip for a while, months even.  and my trips home always end up frantic and jam packed with little get togethersjust so i can spend some time with the people i love and miss.  it’s not at all enjoyable or the way i like to visit but it’s just how it is unless i take a shit load of time off to just hang out up there… which i don’t do because i can barely afford to take the limited time off.  anyway, there are certain people that always want to monopolize my time when i’m there, which i don’t blame them for… i’dwant to spend alotof time with me too. kidding, kidding, i really want to spend time with them too.  but with all of them having kids and such it’s becoming a huge pain in the ass.

as i previously stated i have an appointment scheduled to try on dresses with my mom, S, and my sister.  and i’m really looking forward to it… or i was.  S had originally said she’d be getting a sitter for her boys and that she’d be coming along.  however my sister is bringing the girls since they’re older and will be (mostly) well-behaved… plus they’ll love the idea of shops full of princess dresses!  so then my mom decided we should hit another store.  i agreed, though i put the cap on 2 large stores for the day… i’ll be cranky enough after just going to 1.  so then i told my sister, she sighed and said that the younger niece is going to get cranky by then and will be a handful.  umm, okay well then if you don’t think you can make it to the 2nd store, that’s fine but i’m still going with mom.  then i called S and she complained because she didn’t get a sitter and her hubby is watching the boys until he goes to work, so she can’t go to the 2nd appointment because she needs to go back and watch them.  okay, again, if you can’t make it to the 2nd, that’s cool.  but i’m still going.  i’m sick of everyone giving me their sorry speech about how they have kids and they can’t do it. 

i am in town for a couple of days!  i’m making a POINT to go dress shopping with you because you’re important to me, damnit!  i’m ditching my man and leaving him with NOTHING to do in a foreign town state for half a day to go dress shopping with you people!  i only have 1 free day when i can go to dress shops so don’t try to make me feel bad!  get a god damn babysitter!!  i take off of WORK when you people come to visit me… for as many days as you decide to be here!  i’m so sick of this bullshit about not being able to do things because you have kids!!  i understand that having kids changes things, i would never deny that.  but really?  you can’t get a f-in babysitter for 3 hours?!?  i’m tempted to offer to pay for one at this point.

and then we have plans on tuesday night to go to the concert.  yet again i’m ditching M basically from 3pm to the end of the night to go do this with the girls.  and no one is willing to help me entertain him.  i know it’s no one else’s problem but seriously people, when you bring your men to town M is the first to offer to take them out to do something.  he makes the plans and rearranges his schedule because we know it’s important to get to know the people who are close to those we love.  but this visit is bullshit.  sure, if we’re there on a weekend everyone’s husbands offer to take him a million places and i never get to see him during the trip, which i’m cool with because i’drather he spend the time getting to know those guys.  i’ll spend time with him when we’re back here.  but this time my sister offered to watch S’s kids while we’re at the concert so all 3 guys (M, brother in law, and S’s hubby) could go do something manly.  the guys were all gung-ho.  and now S has decided she’s not cool with it.  that she doesn’t want to saddle my sister with 4 kids under the age of 4 for a few hours.  she’s offering, yeesh!  and she’s been babysitting your kids for 2 years and suddenly you’re not cool with it?  whatever, i’m not a mom, i’m sure she has her reasons.  but she’s also not willing to get a babysitter instead so the guys can go do what they were planning.

it is making me IRATE!  i feel like everyone else is being SO FREAKIN SELFISH that it’s leaving me with 2 options
1) rearrange everything i was planning on and would like to do to meet everyone elses schedules 
or
2) be just as selfish to get what I want

it just makes me so angry because we’ve already changed plans so that other people could hang out with people that live down the street from them (because heaven forbid they miss ONE weekly lunch when i’m in town which happens, oh i dunno, 2-3 times a YEAR!).  and i’m getting sighs when asked if we’ll get getting together a couple of times or not with certain people.  WTF?!?  there are people i don’t have time to get together with AT ALL and you want to schedule a THIRD meet-up for this trip?!?  stop being so damn selfish people!!  you can all go screw yourselves as far as i’mconcerned (today).  if i were coming up to specifically visit you then you can demand more of my time, but i’m not.  and my sister has been down here 2x this year and makes a point to visit at least once a year, so you know what?  she gets priority.  because she makes me a priority.  i’m sorry if having kids has left people broke, i get that.  but if you can’t make an effort to visit me in 3 years then don’t try to use MY trip up there as YOUR time to see me.  GRRR!!

sorry… i really needed to vent and M’s already heard it all

  

  

~ today i learned… It is estimated that 15% of people chew on their toenails ~

hi:lo

hi: going into the weekend thinking that M was definitely going to propose.  i couldn’t think of any reason he wouldn’t.  i just knew it!

lo: stepping out of my car and hitting the lock button on my key fob and hearing… nothing.  it wasn’t locking.  it wasn’t arming.  it was doing nothing.  i called the dealership and asked them what that means.  he said hopefully it just meant the key had gone bad and not the electrical locking system.  keys are $160 to get a new set and have them programmed.  uggh… add it to my scheduled oil change i i guess.

hi: attending our second concert at a local venue and having the seating guy for our box recognize us already.  it’s nice to get good service and being that we’d only been there once i was pretty impressed with his memory.

hi: being offered backstage for after the show

lo: M being old and turning down the backstage option because we had an early game the next day… i’m not even a huge fan of the band but i always say Yes to meet & greets because how many times will you get that chance?

hi: finally getting to our first home game of the season… it feels like home in our seats.  it’s nice to see the same faces every year. 

hi: the big fat W for the game.  it was touch and go for a little bit but i was so happy we won.  those 4hr drives home after a loss are MISERABLE!

lo: the conflicting schedule of the couple we attend games with.  it doesn’t really work with what i need to do for my new eating pattern and we didn’t get to go to the bookstore.  i’ve already told M that we may need to take separate cars this year.  i’m sick of not being able to do other stuff around town because they need to get home.

hi: spending sunday morning washing, waxing, and detailing my car.  for me there isn’t much better than getting behind the wheel of a freshly cleaned car, i just love it.  i even had a full tank of gas.  i love to just step back and look at her sparkle & shine.

lo: when i realized that M definitely wasn’t proposing and i lost my shit, yet again.  it’s just so damn frustrating to be told something and keep expecting it.  in a moment of crying bitterness i may have said something that i didn’t mean… but he knows me too well to even listen to me at these moments.  i mostly just have issues with things not going according to MY plan.

hi: getting laundry done last night.  it’s a great perk of dating a man who has a house where i can do laundry whenever i want.  for free!

lo: hearing “UH OH” from M after i asked “what was that noise??” while folding laundry

super lo: running outside to find my car wedged under the deck.  apparently my e-brake decided not to hold up and let my car roll down his driveway.  i spent the rest of the evening totally bummed about the thought of how much it’s gonna cost to get my car repaired.  i actually had an oil change already scheduled today so i had them fix the e-brake while i was there getting my o/c and new key.  i also had them draw up an estimate.

hi: talking to my insurance co and finding out that it may be covered under comprehensive (with a $100 ded) but it’s up to the agent.  i had my fingers crossed from that point on.

lo: finally hearing from the agent that decided that it would be covered under collision (with a $500 ded).  BOOOO!!  that blows on many levels.  not only the out of pocket money, but how it looks on my insurance and what it’s going to raise my rate to.

  

  

~ today i learned… Alfred Hitchcock didn’t have a belly button ~

honor dilemma

so i have a i dilemma.  okay, it’s not an actual dilemma just yet, but it should be soon (if i’m to actually believe M this time even though he’s told me these things before).  and i figure there is no better place to get feedback and opinions than right here where people are completely impartial.

here’s the situation.  i was the maid of honor in my sister’s wedding 8 years ago.  i was actually blown away when she asked me because we weren’t really that close back then.  i mean we got along, but nothing like we do today.  so i did my duty as MOH and it was great.  whenever i think about it i believe she would have rather asked one of her girlfriends but she asked me because we’re sisters.  we have no other siblings.  it’s just us.  and i’m sure she did it not only because of that but partially because my mother would expect it.  i was honored to serve as her MOH and i had a great time putting everything together.  though, in all honesty, my mother probably planned more of the shower stuff than i did but i helped and took on whatever i could.  for the bachelorette her college roommates planned it and i just tagged along.  it was fun, but it definitely wasn’t my doing and none of it cost me too much.

then 3 years later i was MOH for S.  i never doubted that i’d serve that role.  we met in 1st grade, we were in girl scouts (shut up) together until the end of middle school.  whenever we had the same homeroom we sat near each other because our last names started with the same letter.  at some point in high school (maybe it was because of the alphabetical homerooms) we became inseparable.  so much so that when we were seniors in high school the school paper did a piece on where people were going to college and why.  when it came to the picture of us it said:
notsojenny -
     attending: __SU  
     why: “because that’s where S is going”
S -
     attending: __SU 
     why: “because that’s where notsojenny is going”
no lie, i still have the clipping.  we also ran into our high school principal a couple of years later at the local mall and his comment was “you two are still together, huh?”
we’ve been through alot together.  she’s my best friend in the entire world.  we can go months without talking (though we don’t) and sometimes we talk multiple times in a day for days in a row and the conversations are no different.  we talk about all the disgusting body habits you can’t talk about with other people.  she knows who i’ve slept with, she knows the physical descriptions of some of these guys’ parts.  she knows every heartbreak i’ve felt or inflicted.  what i’m trying to say is that there isn’t a person in this world that knows me better than she does.  and though she’s always been family to me, she’s become family to my family too.  my mom was at her wedding.  he parents will be at mine.  she, her husband, and her boy(s now) are invited to my family holidays whether i’m there or not.  and when i was MOH for her wedding i did all my planning for showers, bachelorettes, dress shit, etc from 500 miles away.  and let me tell you that is NOT cheap.  i spent more money being her MOH than i have on alot of things.  all the travelling to get things set up and for the actual events was really hard but she deserves the best so i made sure she got it.

so who do i make my MOH for my future imaginary wedding? i keep thinking i’ll make the decision when it happens but i’ve been thinking about it long and hard since 2008 started and i have no clue what to do.  my sister and S will be my only bridesmaids, that’s easy.  but how do i handle the MOH thing??  i’m totally lost.  because i know my mom will expect it to be my sister, and she may give me shit if it’s not, but that’s not reason enough to make the decision that way.  i know my sister will get her feelings hurt if it’s not her, she’s the only sister i’ve got and we’re good friends now.  but S has been my best friend much longer and for no biological reason.  we’re just that close.

on one hand i think, okay make my sister MOH because i know that S will be a little hurt but she’s also the one who will understand.  but the fact that S would understand reminds me why i want to have her as MOH.  i’m sure the two of them have thought about it too and i’m sure that they each think i’m going to pick the other one.   since i’m only having the 2 of them i want to call them both MOH but everyone knows that’s kinda’ BS.  only one of them can stand directly next to me that day.  so how do i decide?  i was also hoping that my sister might be pregnant by then because then i can say i’m making S MOH since my sister will have so much to deal with already.  but even though both girls already know they’re going to be in my wedding party (we may or may not have already talked about dresses and such) when the day finally comes that i call them to say “it’s official!” i am going to officially ask them, and i need to know which one i’m asking to be my MOH.  i know how much that title means.  and i know that one of them is going to be touched and the other will be hurt.  you’re supposed to have the girl who means the most to you standing by your side, what do you do when 2 people mean that much to you?

if you were in this situation, what would you do?  who would you pick?
is there another option that i’m not thinking of? 
any suggestions/recommendations/advice are appreciated (that’s why i wrote this post)

i need input!

  

  

~ today i learned… the Mona Lisa is not signed or dated by Da Vinci ~

i hate me

for the most part i love me.  i’m a big fan of me.  it’s just when i do things like let my imagination run wild that i hate me. 

after taking in things that M has said to me, and we all know i’ve been waiting patiently for my proposal, i started to think.  this always gets me into trouble.  i read waaay too much into what people tell me and then i interpret on my own - bad idea.  so at some point over the last week or so i uncovered a plan in my little head.  i convinced myself that the trip we have planned for the first football game this weekend was a beard.  it was all a sly ploy to get me in the car.  and i started to imagine that once we got on the road we’d head north when we should be heading south.  that’s when i’d know.  i’d know that we were heading to CT to be around my family where he would propose. 

so when we were talking about the trip details last night i threw in a few specific questions to see if i was on the right track.  and i’m not.  it’s obvious that we ARE going to the football game.  which is what i would expect, had i not come up with the elaborate plan otherwise.  of course i immediately turned sour and was no longer interested in being nice.  i was upset.  more upset with myself for continually setting me up for a letdown.  everyone says “just don’t think about it.  it’ll happen when it’ll happens.” to which i say “PISS OFF!”.  i have no patience!  i can’t just sit back and wait for ANYTHING!  this is driving me CRAZY!! 

and this has been going on for a while.  i’m trying so hard to focus on other things like making plans with friends, my impending invisalign start, and finding a job.  honestly, one of the reasons i was really excited about getting that other job (yah, the one i didn’t get) was because i knew i’d get wrapped up in that right away which would occupy the area of my mind that likes to wander and come up with elaborate plans that aren’t actually in the works.  the NKOTB concert is mere weeks away and i still can’t distract myself.  there’s some insane part of me that just has to ruin surprises.  i am determined to spend so much time thinking up every possible situation that i couldn’t possibly be surprised when one of them happens.  oh well, i guess i just have to learn to deal with it because i’m obviously not figuring out how to change it.

  

  

~ today i learned… Americans over 18 years of age consume 65 percent of the candy that’s produced each year ~

i can take a hint

okay, so no one obviously wants to talk about how to go commando.  which, as far as i’m concerned, means no one else knows either. 

moving on, i’ve put out a ton of resumes this year.  mostly outside of my area because there’s not much here for what i do, more or less what i want to be doing.  so a few weeks back i submitted an application for the first local job.  i didn’t know much about it from the description but it sounded good enough.  within 12hrs i got a call to do a phone interview.  i wasn’t feeling too good about the HR girl as she asked some really cheesy questions so i didn’t expect too much from that.  then, out of the blue, after i’d already given up hope i got a call to schedule my real interview.  i was so excited.  so a few days later i had my  interview.  i looked good (because ladies you know that’s an important part of it), and once they told me more about the job i was smitten.  it was exactly what i used to do.  it was PERFECT!  not only was it less than 3 miles from my apt. but i would have been working with alot of the people i used to work with at different venues.  seriously, i’d already done this job.  the interview seemed to go really well.  the interviewers gave me warm fuzzy feelings with every answer i gave.  i walked out of there very confident.  but yet i spent the next week waiting.  wrapped up in a ball of nerves about when they would make their decision.  daydreaming about telling my job to shove it and proving to them that they can’t continue to treat me like this.  to lie to me and promise me things they never follow through with.  oh, i was giddy at the thought of starting this job i’d just interviewed for.  i even broke my normal rule of not telling anyone and gushed to less than five people about how excited i was.  i mean there was no one more perfect for the job than me. 

but i guess i was wrong.  i just got the call.  no reason.  just that important detail that i’m not getting the job from the same hapless recruiter that did the phone interview.  i got butterflies in my stomach when the phone rang because i really thought it could only go one way.  add this to my crappy week and crying-jag filled days and i’m ready to go to bed.  sitting in this office is the last place i want to be.  i was so hoping it wasn’t going to be for much longer, because that would be tolerable.  i just can’t help but wonder why?  it feels like a break-up.  i want to call and ask why they didn’t want me?  what was it that they didn’t see fitting?  what was it about someone else that made them a better match?

i hate job hunting.  i hate how slammed the market is right now.  i hate that someone who couldn’t possibly have done that job before is going to be getting an offer and i’m not.  i’m definitely going to cry once i get in the car and start my hour and a half journey home tonight.

damn.  now what am i going to daydream about??