love. that’s all i want. that’s all i really need. yes, i love my money. i love my stuff. but what really makes me happy is love. whether it’s the kind of love that is so excited to see you after only stepping out of a room for a minute, like that of a loyal dog. or the love that’s expected from your family, just because you’re kin. or the non-judging love i get from my little nieces. or the love that offers warm hugs, passionate kisses, and the ability to say absolutely anything. i love, well, love.
i love the act of being in love. i love telling someone i love them. i love hearing someone say they love me. it never gets old. whether it’s my mother, my boyfriend, or a neighborhood kid. i could hear it every 15 minutes and it still makes my heart flutter each time. i love seeing people in love. i love watching people who are so happy just to be near each other that they can’t take their eyes off each other. i love hearing about other people’s tales of love and especially lasting love and anniversaries. i love the security love brings. just knowing that it’s out there for you. i love seeing people in church who are so in love with their beliefs that they’re at their happiest moments there. i love everything about love. i think love is the only thing that’s worth EVERYTHING. for me, love is the only thing that matters when it comes down to it. i’d give up everything i have for love. i have, it’s why i live in this state.
so to be in the situation i’m in. fearing that love isn’t enough. it’s the hardest place for me. it brings me to tears almost every day. every time i stop and think about it i sob. it hurts in my chest all the way down to the pit of my stomach. it’s the worst feeling in the world for me. because i’ve been in relationships where i was in love before. but there were good reasons they didn’t work out. so that pain was bearable. there was always some discovery that lead to the ultimate knowledge that we weren’t in love the way we thought. i knew i could get through it, and i always knew there was a light at the end of the tunnel. it was always for the best.
but i can’t see the light now. M and i are in love. more in love each day than the last. we truly are best friends, we were long before we started dating. and that love that started as friends has only grown. it’s so much stronger. and i don’t see any reason it will ever fade. i have yet to learn a thing about him that i don’t love. and i assume him for me. but we may be nearing an end. not because our love isn’t great. but because it may not be enough. we have to decide the rest of our lives before we can start them. and i’m afraid we want different things. i’ve never understood before how love could ever not be enough. but i think i get it now. and i’m afraid i’m in it now. i don’t know how you choose between the love you have now, and the love you want to have with a family in the future. i don’t know if the decision i’ve made to have future children is right. i want that. i want that love. i have alot of love to give and buying 50 puppies just won’t be enough. but is that worth losing the love i have now? no matter the outcome it will be sooner rather than later. but the thought of losing this love is painful.
i feel like it’s selfish, but the thought of being alone again hurts. in all honesty, i get a little nauseous when i think about it. all the days and weeks that pass without speaking to anyone outside of work. the months that pass without physical contact, not just the kissing but even just getting a hug or sitting so close to someone that your shoulders touch. all the time that goes by without hearing someone say “i love you”. yes, there may be something else in the future. but the time from now until then makes me sick to my stomach. i don’t do well alone. i do well in love. i’m just not sure how to avoid it this time. i can’t compromise on this.
