work? where?

this weekend i found a few jobs that are close to what i’m looking for.  some not exactly, but some more so.  they’re in MA, NY, PA, and CT.  so i decided to really start putting together some a+ cover letters.  that’s when it happened.  as i sat there, with my laptop in my lap (where it belongs) with my fingers hovering over the home keys just waiting to begin movement… i couldn’t type.  i thought i just had writers block.  i put the laptop on the couch and tried to walk away from it and come back to it later.  it wasn’t until later that evening when M arrived that i realized what was wrong.  as soon as he walked through the door, it hit me.  i’m sabotaging myself.  well, kinda.  i guess it’s more that i don’t know if applying for these jobs is what i really want to do.  you see, as much as this is what i’ve been saying i wanted, i’m not sure anymore.  i have so many questions that bring up so many issues and anxiety when it comes to this. once i realized all of this, going over it in my head, my eyes welled up with tears.  i hate feeling like i’m not in control.  but my thoughts go something like this…

what a great job!  that’s exactly what i’m looking for, with the brand company i’m looking for.  and i’m well suited for it.  oh the possibilities!

but is this a location i’m in love with? 

it brings me 4-2hrs away from my family, which is so much better tahn the 8hrs away i am now.  and i want nothing more than the be closer to them.

but is there anything else around there?  am i going to get depressed if i’m landlocked and too far from life? 

i love where i live right now.  it’s a big city, but it doesn’t feel like one.  and while the beach is far away (from what i grew up with) it’s still only about 2hrs down the road.  i can go there if i want.

and i love my apartment.  it’s the perfect size, perfect rent.  i can’t even do the area i live in justice if i try to explain it.  it’s so gorgeous.  and everything happens right out my front window.  parades.  festivals.  it’s so much fun.

but there are no jobs for me here.  i’ve looked.  i’ve exhausted every possibility.  unless i want to go into another industry that i’m unhappy with.   and work is definitely a part of my happiness so that’s not an option.

so i have no other reason to stay here.  right? 

but what about M?  i’m so in love with him.  but he can’t figure out what he wants.  he wants us to be together, that he’s certain of.

but i want marriage.  and a family.  he can’t commit to that.  not yet anyway.  if i leave i might miss out on that.  and right now, i don’t want that with anyone but him.

but if i stay, he may still never want that.  i could wait forever and he may never decide that’s what he wants.

but if i go, will he go with me?  he says he’ll try.  but what does that mean?

and even if he does, it doesn’t mean he’s going to want what i want in a different location.  whether i’m in VA, PA, or wherever, i want a family.  if that doesn’t change for me, it’s not going to change for him, right?

and what if i leave, and he doesn’t?  it’s over.  and maybe i’ll never find someone and fall in love like that again.  i can’t bear the thought of that loss.

but maybe i will.  and maybe it’ll be with someone who wants the same things i do.  and knows it.

but what if i stay and he realizes we want the same things.  how do i know that won’t happen?

and what if i get to the new location, and i hate it.  what do i do then?  i can’t just be nomadic and keep moving. 

and my family loves visiting me down here.  because there’s so much to do with the girls.  and we’re only a drive from the beach, the mountains, the capital, everything.  will they still love to visit me somewhere else?

but then again, they only come around once a year.  maybe they’d come by more if i were closer.

but the cost of living here is so low.  and i have such a nice paycheck.  and i get to work from home. 

but i also have a 90 minute commute.

what if the next place is more expensive, but the paycheck is the same?

but what if the paycheck is way bigger?

what if the job descriptions and companies are more sugar coated than usual.  what if i get there and hate what i end up doing?

but what if it’s my dream job?

and this goes on and on and on.  i can’t even begin to figure out where to start with all of this.  i’ve written the cover letters now.  but i’m really scared to send them.  while i know they may not even want me, my fear is that they will.  and then i’ll have to make a decision.  and i don’t like to burn bridges.  i’m lost.  i don’t know which way is up right now.  and i don’t know which way is down.  i’m just all over the place and can’t seem to sort this stuff out.  maybe it’s because i can’t seem to stay on one train of thought.  maybe it’s because the decision is too hard for me right now.  maybe it’s because i know the answer but wish i didn’t. 

i just wish there were an easy way out.  but i can only think of 2 -
1) M proposes and i have an excuse to stay here
2) M says he knows he definitely doesn’t want to marry me – and i move on with my life and will need to get in a new place to do that

sadly, i only want one of those to happen.  and even sadder, i don’t think either of those are going to happen.

any advice?  really, if anyone can make some sense of how to make these types of decisions, i would love to hear it

  

  

~ today i learned… the top selling naked juice is mighty mango (i would have picked green machine) ~