hi ho hi ho

i hate my job. 

okay, so maybe i don’t hate it.  but i’m mad at it.  and about it.

you see this all started last summer.  i was working for a very large corporation and loved what i was doing.  granted i wasn’t thrilled with the people i was working for or some of the bs constraints i was working under.  well it was a miserable week in june when my life flipped end over end.  on a monday i rushed back to new england after my mother called to let me know my father was dying.  that thursday our company was making massive layoffs (as they often did).  of course my team and i had been sitting around for a few months picking out all of the useless people that needed to go.  we were a skeleton team, so we knew we were safe.  on thursday i was driving to my parents home state with my mom to take care of the funeral.  i called my team to get the gossip on what was going on.  they let me know that E got cut.  holy crap!  they cut someone from our team?!  it was insane.  then they said that our boss had been in his office all day with the door shut and wouldn’t talk to anyone.  they asked him for updates and he wouldn’t respond.  you see our boss, we’ll call him FB (stands for many thing), is a wuss.  he doesn’t do confrontation.  i don’t think those types of people should be in management.  for example when i started on the team he gave me someone else’s job responsibility but she didn’t want to let it go.  so i talked to him about it and he told me to tell her that he said i should have it.  are we in grade school?  you’re the boss.  you tell her!  so i finally said forget it, she can keep it.  the more important details about him are that he’s a dirtbag.  i’m not saying this out of any bitterness, we all said this while working for him.  you couldn’t trust him any further than you could throw him.  slimy, sneaky, no morals (or ethics), dirtbag.  so after i talked to my team and they had no update, i got suspicious.  i remembered a little trick the tech guys had told me when i started for the company.  if you think you’ve lost your job, try to get into your voicemail.  if they’re firing you they’ll lock it.  so i called my voicemail.  yep.  couldn’t get in. 

i was in complete shock.  how could they do this to me?  i’ve been working for that company as long as i’ve lived here.  i put 5 hard working years in there.  i knew more people and how to get more done than anyone.  i busted my ass.  and all the high-ups knew it.  come to find out, they let the consultants make the decisions.  how gelatinous of them.  so i waited for my boss to contact me.  he left me a voicemail at some point in the day asking me to call him back.  i tried.  and i tried.  and i tried.  i finally left him a message telling him my schedule for the next couple of days (so he’d know when he could reach me) and reminding him that i was leaving the country that weekend.  oh yes, the week my life blows up is the week i have my caribbean vacation scheduled.  i thought about cancelling it.  it was my first instinct.  but then i realized if i ever needed a vacation, this was the time.  so i called and left him messages all weekend until i left.  i never heard a word back.  so i thought, okay, i may have been laid off but at least i get my week’s vacation and they’ll lay me off when i get back.  yah, about that…

when my plane landed back in the states after my non-relaxing trip, there was a voicemail from FB telling me i’d see a package when i got home.  and just to read it then call him.  are you kidding?  sure enough, i get home and there’s a fed-ex envelope telling me i’d been unemployed for a week.  luckily i’d had time to get over my irrational anger and disgust and was now just bitter.  i called in and told him when i’d be coming for my stuff.  knowing what a spineless weasel he is, i decided i was going to have all the power in this action.  i walked into his office, dropped my stuff, and told him i’d be at my desk.  no need to have h.r. come and stand by me while i pack (which is protocol).  after all, i can’t believe h.r. allowed him to act the way he did so i figured he’d have no complaints.  i packed my stuff and walked into his office and asked him to carry something down for me so i only had to make one trip.  at this point he still hasn’t said a word to me, i’ve done all the talking.  in the elevator he looks at me and the only thing he says to me is (are you ready for this?) “how was your vacation?”  i couldn’t believe my ears.  how was my vacation?  how was my vacation?  i dunno, let’s see.  my dad just died.  oh and i got laid off from my job which you still have yet to tell me about.  awesome.  my vacation was awesome.  dirtbag.
anyway there was alot more involved with me calling h.r. and finding out that he’d actually told them that i called him and told him i was dealing with my dad’s funeral and not to call me.  i obviously never said that.  so that’s why they fed-exd me.  nice.  why didn’t h.r. do something?  i fought as hard as i could, but couldn’t get them to give me my vacation. 

whenever i used to come home from work crying M would tell me to get a new job.  but i never wanted to leave that one because they had so much invested in me, and i didn’t want to let them down.  he’d always tell me “you do a great job, but the company doesn’t care about you.  it only cares about itself.”  while i always knew how true that was, i didn’t want to take it to heart.  but i learned the hard way.  and while being at a company for a while makes it family, it’s not.  the people are.  but everyone will go on without you.  the company will go on without you. 

so the funny part is that 3 months later they hired 2 new girls to replace me and E.  cost them more in the long run, but they were cutting costs in june and that’s all that mattered.  so i began the search for my dream job.  this was my chance to get more money and do what i want to do.  or so i thought.  my crappy severance ran out very fast and i was suddenly ready to take any job.  that is until 2 companies began pursuing me.  the two that i really wanted to work for.  one was an incredible company that is right down the street from me and would be phenomenal on my resume.  the other was 84 miles away but has alot of potential.  we all know which one i took.  but they lured me in.  they offered me the same salary as the local one.  but to sweeten the pot they told me…
1)  i could work from home after a couple of months
2) they had a year end bonus (which the competitor did not)
3) the big one was that they had a new position coming in january (as in today and the last 30) that they would promote me to

so far here’s how it’s panned out…
1) i had to bug them every day for about 3 months and finally got to work from home after 5 months of commuting
2) their “bonus” was 1%… that’s not really a bonus.  i consider that a christmas gift, or some free lunches
3) no promotion in sight.  the position hasn’t even been approved by our parent company.  i asked again today.

on top of these 3 major issues, i’m not doing the job i was hired to do.  i’m doing menial crap.  i came here because i could make a difference.  but this is not what i want to do.  there’s so much potential but they keep sandbagging. 

i’m keeping my eyes open for something else, but i’m also not seriously pursuing anything else local since i may move home in the spring if M isn’t ready for the commitment by then.  i’m in limbo.
  
  
  

~ today i learned… the number of kids in school in India is more than the entire number of kids in the US ~

todays thoughts

i’m being lazy.  i’m being sooo lazy.

i had an appointment to have my car worked on today so in order to avoid getting up early to drop it off, i left it there last night and spent the night at M’s (he lives closer to it than i do).  so the plan was that M went to work and i’d work from his house all day.  usually my car isn’t ready until the end of the day, so we planned on just going to get it after M gets out of work.  so i’ve been lying in bed, working, with arrested development on in the background, while eating breakfast and getting laundry done.  it’s fabulous.  so when the dealership called a few minutes ago to tell me my car was ready i decided not to tell M.  i know it’s kind of dishonest, but no one’s getting hurt.  i just want to relax here.  don’t get me wrong, i love my place and this is close to exactly what i’d be doing there.  but there’s something about not getting up at a place that’s not yours that feels like vacation.  plus i really don’t feel like taking a shower yet, and i absolutely need to.  so maybe i’ll tell him right after i shower and eat lunch.  maybe.  right now it feels sinfully delightful. 

there are some nights where i’m just so tired that i scrap my getting ready for bed routine and just pass out.  last night was one of those.  i had a super long day and ended my night by shoving taco bell down my throat and going to sleep.  i didn’t wash my face at all.  i know it’s a terrible thing to do, and my skin suffers because of it.  usually i’m able to get up and wash my face better than i would have last night.  but this morning i have yet to do so.  and i can feel my face becoming dirtier as i sit here.  but i’m just too lazy to do something about it just yet.   i haven’t even brushed my teeth.

i can hear the wind blowing outside.  it’s something like 40mph gusts today.  and i heard the shed door blow open.  i really should be a good girlfriend and go out to close it.  but that means that i need to put on something resembling clothes and get out of this bed.  i just don’t see that happening right now.  besides, even if i did go close it, it’s just going to blow open again anyway.

i’ve stumbled across someone planning the wedding i would like.  she is using my colors, which i’m sure have been used for many weddings, but she’s using them in the way i would.  the only difference i’ve seen is the bride’s short dress.  i love it,  but couldn’t pull it off.  nice.  i’m caught up once again in what i want to do for a wedding i’m not even having yet.  but on that note, we were talking about jobs last night.  M just received a new offer.  he asked me if i’m still looking.  i said “kinda” but that’s only because i didn’t want to start something last night.  i didn’t want to bring up the fact that i’m not really looking because in a couple months i may be looking to move back to the new england.  oy.  not something i want to think about right now, at all.  not with valentine’s day around the corner.  speaking of (apparently i’m all about the tangents right now) i confirmed that we’re not doing gifts again this year.  i’m not one of those people who’s anti-valentine’s day.  i just don’t like to do gifts.  birthdays are really the only holiday i enjoy doing gifts for.  even christmas feels forced.  and i don’t like feeling forced to get/receive gifts.  we love each other every day, and while i love spending the holiday with him i don’t like the pressure of the gifts for one specific day.  i will admit that i’ve feared ever being proposed to on that day.  not that it wouldn’t be the best day ever.  i just think it almost takes the romantic sentiment out of it, unless that day has personal significance.  i feel like a proposal on the 13th or 15th of february would mean more.  not that i’m seeing a proposal coming that soon, but i’m just saying. 

i really need to shower.  i want to shower.  i should be getting my car early so i can run some errands.  i should be working my butt off or at least searching for a new job (another post for another day).  but i’m just lying here.  normally i would feel like i need motivation.  but i don’t want any right now.  if i wanted a reason to get up, well i have plenty.  i just want to relax.  so that’s what i’m doing.

  

  

~ today i learned…  there are no official parkour competitions, and probably never will be. ~

auto pilot

do you ever feel like you’re not really there?  admit it, you do.

everyone has those moments when they’re on autopilot.  i have them all of the time!  i like to blame them on getting older, i feel like my memory is shot.  i only put this here to make myself feel sane… or maybe just not as crazy.  i know other people get this.

- my commute.  i work from home 3 days a week.  those 2 days when i go to the office it’s an hour and a half commute.  i’m so used to it, and i’m doing so much multi-tasking on my drive (finalizing make-up, catching up with my sister, taking my hair down, eating breakfast… it’s truly a talent) that by the time i drive all 84 miles, i can’t remember the trip.  it’s quite scary when i think about how unsafe that is.  especially in the bad weather.

- locking my car.  it’s such a habit to step out of the car and as i walk away to hit the “lock&arm” button on the fob.  i don’t even know i do it.  i usually end up hitting it 2-4 times from the time i step out of my car, until i get into a building.  the worst is when i get home.  i can never remember locking it, so i hang out my front window and hit the button until i see my lights flash.  even with this awful habit, i’ve still come out to my car only to find that it was never locked.  this only increases my paranoia, thus increasing the number of times i hit the button.

- flushing.  i know it’s gross, but it’s such a natural move to flush and get up & out that i never remember it.  as soon as i leave the bathroom and sit down at my desk/couch i can’t remember flushing.  so i sit there and tell myself, “of course i did.  i always do.” until it drives me so insane that i have to get up and check and of course, everything is fine.  this has been a problem for a while.  it’s most annoying when i’m not at my place but somewhere where people know me.  at work i tend to get all the way back to my desk, and then try to sneak away unnoticed to run back to the bathroom and check.  of course (and i can admit this because i’m anonymous) it’s gotten worse since the one time i got back to my desk and when i snuck back into the bathroom i saw that i hadn’t flushed.  i was mortified.  i don’t think anyone else had gone in there, and it was a large company and many people used that bathroom, so no one would have known it was me anyway, but i couldn’t deal with it after that.  i began using the bathroom on another floor the next day.

- eating.  have you ever wanted something specific to eat so you go get it and the next thing you know you’re sitting there wondering where it went?  yah, well, that happens to me.  it takes me a while to convince myself that i just completely demolished that food so fast that i didn’t even think.  or i’ll have a few of something, eat the last one and then a couple seconds later reach out and be surprised that they’re all gone.  it’s crazy.  i knew i ate the last one already.

- pills.  you know which ones.  thank heavens that some genius labeled the days with little stickers.  otherwise there’d be some days i take 3 and others i take none.  and it’s part of my routine so i know when i’ve done it.  i even go get a certain kind of drink to wash it down with, and yet 5 minutes later i’m jumping out of bed going, “oh no! i forgot to take my pill!” or waking up the next morning and panicking. 

- entire phone conversations.  i don’t know if it’s because i’m watching tv while i’m on the phone, or i’m caught up in my own thoughts, or if i’m just completely zoning out but i will hang up the phone and have no idea what just happened.  i have no idea what we/they were just talking about.  i even had to go back and look at my phone to see who i was talking to once… not sure if it was my mom or sister.

moments like these make me feel crazy.  but then i feel better when i realize that other people out there go through this too.  i really do think it’s part of getting older.  feel free to zone out while you read this entire post.

  

  

~ today i learned… that Dale Jr. has reps that are not hep enough to know what Big Mo’ means… poor kid. ~

how old am i?

i was talking to my mom last night when my brain just got jumbled.  she was talking about something i’d gotten her that wasn’t working.  i’d had her run through a gamut of tests to see which piece was defective.  we finally figured out it was the car kit and as i began saying “i don’t know if you can get them anymore” M chimed in to say he’d get her one.  while i love him and it was very sweet, it caused more disturbance than i was prepared for.  i didn’t want to seem rude to him and since he was sitting right there i told my mom that he’d take care of it.  that’s when it happened.  she got confused and said “what?” and i got really nervous and confused all at the same time.  i actually took the phone from my ear and just stared at it for a few seconds.  what was i supposed to do?  what do i say now?  it was 11pm on a sunday night and i just let it out that i was with M.  one part of me thought “whatever, she knows.”  another part of me thought “oh no.  i’m in so much trouble.”  but why?  i’m frighteningly close to not being in my 20’s anymore and yet i’m still afraid of my mother finding out that i’m spending the night at a boy’s.  it’s crazy!  it’s not like i’m naive enough to think that she is completely shocked, but at the same time i don’t need to confirm those details.  i know there are people out there that are best friends with their parents, but not me.  my mom is just that.  don’t get me wrong, she’s the most wonderful person in the world but she doesn’t need to know everything.  i mean, seriously.  what was i worrying about?  when i moved to this state i moved with a guy i was dating and we lived together.  granted i was scared to tell my mom because i had no idea what she’d say/yell.  i was also just trying to avoid that look.  that disapproving look.  so i wrote her one day and left it when i went to work.  she didn’t talk to me for weeks.

anyway, she knows that M and i are serious.  she knows i want to marry him.  heck, she was expecting him to ask her when we went home for christmas.  so why did i suddenly feel like i was in high school and just got caught telling my mom i was at S’s but was really out with a boy?  i have no idea.  but i guess you never grow out of that.  or at least i don’t.  speaking of not feeling my age, we watched a bunch of movies this weekend.  we rented some, on-demanded some, and actually went to the theater.  but the last one we watched before going to bed last night was a little too intense.  it wasn’t even a bad movie, but lying there in bed i kept popping up thinking i was hearing people break in.  i can’t sleep like that.  so while i knew M needed his sleep because he leaves early for work, and i know he can’t sleep with the tv on, i asked if i could watch tv.  i just needed to get something else in my head.  so i turned on one of the wedding shows, can’t even remember which one, and a half hour later i was clear of mind and ready to sleep.  that crap happens to me all the time though.  i learned my lesson after watching a law & order marathon one day and then freaking out to the point of calling M and having him ask if i need him to call 911.  of course i didn’t.  i knew it was all in my head but sometimes i just can’t get it out of my head.  i try to go to sleep after will & grace these days… so much easier.

  

** update: i never did find any pilates classes that fit into my schedule so i start private lessons on friday!  i bought tons of workout clothes this weekend… that might be the best part! **

  

  

~ today i learned… that Lewis Black & Kathleen Madigan used to be an item ~

you have to believe

all of this chaos surrounding the heath ledger passing has been bothering me.  i’m not one to act like i know celebrities personally.  of course we’re all free to judge them based on what we hear in the news, tabloids, and what they put forward through their work, interviews, and actions.  and like everyone else there are some i choose not to like, and others i adore.  however every time this pops up on the news (and you can’t avoid it right now) all i can think about are the people who did know him.   and not only about how awful it must be to not have privacy at a time like this, but how hard it is to deal with the situation.  i would love to give them each a hug.

i’ve dealt with death throughout my entire life.  my grantparents all passed away before i was in high school.  other various family members died and i lost 2 teachers before i was out of high school.  not to mention the countless guinea pigs that died when i was a child.  i still can’t imagine the horror on the face of whoever digs up the flower beds around the house i grew up in.  my dad would make little wooden boxes and we’d line them with velvet or satin to give the pets a proper burial.  all in all, i was able to deal with all of these losses rather well.  i’m not sure if it’s because i was around wakes and funerals so often, if it’s because my parents always did their grieving in private, or if it’s because i’d been around it my entire life.  but for some reason i was able to keep my shit together and accept people’s passing.  i always felt it was just a part of life. 

so a few years ago when i was checking my voicemail and there were multiple messages from friends back in new england to call them back i had no idea how my life was about to change.  i can remember all of the details as i finally reach my friend JH who began to tell me what was going on.  as i turned the corner and found a parking spot he said it “she’s dead.”  i still get that hollow feeling in my stomach just writing it and thinking about it.  i parked my car the best i could through the tears my eyes had filled up with and that were beginning to pour down my face.  i went inside my place and as soon as i closed the door my legs gave way.  i fell straight to the ground.  i could barely breathe.  i could barely cry.  i just couldn’t believe it.  one of my girlfriends had been robbed of her life.  how could this be?  we were in our early 20’s.  we were kids.  i had trouble understanding it and wasn’t even close to accepting it.  not only was she not old, not sick, but she was the most incredible person.  we were never best friends.  but she always made me feel like i was the most important person to her.  like while she wasn’t my best friend, i was hers.  and i’ll never forget that moment at her service when i looked around and realized that every person in that jam packed church felt the same way.  not only is she brilliant, she’s beautiful, she laughed all the time, she’s funny, and she has this sexy raspy voice that made you want to keep her talking.  i’d dealth with death, but i had never before had to deal with someone being killed.  it just didn’t seem right.  i couldn’t figure out how to twist it or turn it in my mind to be accepted.  i had a hard time with church after that.  i still have days when i’m very mad about it.  and it took me a while to accept it.  but i still don’t understand it, and i’ll never feel it’s fair.  but i have to believe that everything happens for a reason.  there’s no other way to deal with something like this.  you have to believe.

that was 5 years ago and since then i’ve had to figure out how to live in this kind of a world.  a world i see so completely differently now.  i still think about her.  about how much better the world would be if she was still around to touch people’s lives.  sometimes a show will come on where she had a brief part and it’s like the world hits pause.  everything around me stops and i just sit and watch for those few minutes, and remember that there are people that wonderful.  but i’d dealt with it in my own way, the way i needed to, and moved on.  i was able to get back to church, if nothing more than to seek faith or answers (i’m not sure what).  i believed in something again, until last year when i got the call from my mother.  the call that changed my identity.  i struggled with the why.  why that way?  now i haven’t been to church since my dad died because i’m just not ready.  but it’s something i’m still trying to deal with.  my father was not old.  it was a sudden death and none of us got to have any closure.  and while i shut myself off from the world for a little while i still had to live.  all i can live on is that everything happens for a reason.  i have to believe that.  i need to believe that.

this is way heavier than i intended, but my point here is not to bring the world down or to pity myself for what i’ve dealt with.  it’s that i’ve been a friend and a daughter for lives that ended way too soon and completely unexpectedly.  i know it’s almost unbearable in the beginning.  so i can imagine what they’re all going through.  and i really hope that they believe everything happens for a reason.  because it’s the only thing that make sense.  i don’t know about the afterlife.  i don’t know if i even believe in it.  i’ve been thinking about it for 5 years and still haven’t come to a decision on what i believe.  like i said, i still struggle with church on some days.  i just hope that little his girl is able to figure out her identity as a child without a father.  it’s something that i don’t think ever completely sinks in, but i’ve talked to other people and i’ve seen what happens when you can’t deal with it.  it’s not good. 

so while i don’t know them i hope they’re all going to be alright.  and i hope they believe.

  

  

  

~ today i learned… that if you are in the woods and get poison in your system you can burn wood and eat the charcoal.  it acts as a sponge and grabs the poison so it’s gone when it comes back up. ~

germ free; the way to be

hi.  i’m notsojenny.  and i have a problem.

seriously, i realized this morning that it’s a problem.  this morning i got up late.  word of advice: don’t buy an alarm clock with 2 different alarms.  you’ll think you set the early one, when really you set the late one, and you’ll over sleep.  so when i finally got up i got my butt to the dealership where i was supposed to be an hour ago and  i set up my little camp in the waiting area like i always do.  i set down my banana on my day planner, and my juice on the side of my chair (so i don’t kick it over when i stand up… it’s very embarrassing).  since i was in a hurry leaving the apt. i had put my juice in a plastic cup, instead of a container with a lid.  so a few minutes into my waiting a woman sits right down in the chair closest to me.  it bothered me at first because it was like a puff of smoke came from her when she sat down.  she was obviously a non-filtered smoker and that smell irritates me.  sorry smokers, but to non-smokers you stink.   so my nose began to get all tingly as it does when i’m around that stale cigarette smell.  i kept trying to subtly place my finger over my nose in an attempt to filter my air.  and i was getting by with that… then it started.  the coughing.  no, the hacking.  it was awful.  as much as i wanted to look up, gather my elitist attitude, and say “you know you wouldn’t have that problem if you didn’t smoke” all i could think of was my juice.  sitting there between us.  in an open cup. 

i know it’s because i’ve seen one too many discovery health episodes about how germs travel when you cough, sneeze, speak, etc.  so now i can’t help but see it in my head.  i’m bad about it even with people close to me.  but definitely worse around strangers.  i catch myself doing it at work all of the time.  if i have food or drink sitting open and i see someone coming toward my desk i try to casually pull it toward me and either put the lid on or cover it with my hand.  i’m worse about it with some people.  but if i can’t do this slyly without getting caught i’ll just leave it.  and then i’ll throw it out.  it sucks because i really wanted that drink or that snack.  but i can’t get myself to finish it because all i can think about are the germs that have gotten into it when someone was talking above it.  that’s what happened this morning.  i was so thirsty.  and there was this half full cup of my usual morning juice, and i couldn’t force myself to drink it.  but of course i didn’t want to seem rude by throwing it out so i carried it around with me until i got back into my car.  i’m sure no one there would have even thought i was throwing it away because someone was coughing and it skeeved me out, but i’m so paranoid about insulting people that i just didn’t.  yet another problem i am afflicted with.  the only upside was that i now had a good excuse to go to the dunk.

i always think that my germ thing isn’t a big deal.  i’m not like howie mandel or larry david where it’s something that impacts my life in such a way that i have to work around it.  i shake hands with people.  but it does affect me in a way that i throw stuff out when i don’t want to because i’m afraid of the germs it may now have.  i clean my keyboard and phone with rubbing alcohol at work when i’m afraid someone else has used my stuff.  i won’t touch anything in a public bathroom, if possible.  i’ll use my knuckles to punch on a public keypad (at the gas station, atm, whatever).  i guess it’s worse than i thought now that i’m putting it all together, but i feel like it’s not something i need to seek treatment or help for.  i keep telling myself to just get over it.  germs are everywhere.  but i guess i just want to control whatever i can.  surprise, surprise. 

        

              

~ today i learned… you don’t have to pay your taxes when you file them ~